Do Pick Up Lines Work?
by TakeshiKovacs987
Summary: It was still a familiar ceiling, but now it was comforting.
1. Chapter 1

It was a Saturday. Shinji Ikari was waking up to another day. Shinji groaned before glancing at his alarm clock. 7:00 am. He had to admit that the sun was a pleasant sight to wake up to, but then he remembered what he had to do later and proceeded to promptly bang his head against the wall.

No, it wasn't another synch test nor was it another day of school filled with the dreaded 2nd impact lectures and mediating another Toji v. Asuka throwdown. Shinji would have begged to go to either one if it meant escaping today. Shinji groaned again as he recalled the events of the day before leading up to his inevitable doom.

_Begin Flashback!_

"Hey Shinji!"

Shinji looked up from his bento and took a few moments to chew and swallow before answering, "Yeah?"

"Say Shinji, you have a NERV ID card don't you?" Kensuke asked eagerly.

"Of course…why do you ask? You know that I'm not allowed to bring visitors into the Geofront especially you of all people…"

Kensuke's latest NERV related excursion in support of his raison d'être (i.e. obsession) had left vivid marks into the memories of NERV security personnel. The full details of the incident have been sealed by order of resident babe and tactical commander Misato Katsuragi for both legal reasons and posterity. However, it can be mentioned that it involved a rather inventive method of torture using shaving cream, a sack of potatoes and a pair of Kangaroo boxers. To this day, Gendo Ikari is cursing the drain on NERV funds from Section 2 agents' constant visits to the psychiatrist and her sexual assault bear Bobo.

Kensuke grimaced before grumbling "How was I supposed to know that Hannah Montana was banned under the Geneva Convention? But that's beside the point. Do you ever use the card for anything other than getting to NERV?"

"No…"

Kensuke and Toji shared an evil look. Shinji gulped. It was the same look that Asuka and Misato shared when they wanted to drag him off to help with their shopping. And people wondered why Shinji never grew a pair.

"Well. Me and Kensuke had a genius idea for it." Toji said. The grin on his face was unnerving Shinji and every nerve in the poor introvert's body was screaming at him to jump out of the window right then and there.

"You see. NERV pretty much owns all of Tokyo-3. Any NERV employee with high enough clearance could conceivably do anything and he would never be punished."

"Uh-huh." Shinji really didn't like the way that the conversation was turning.

"With our lives in such unpredictable flux, I think that we poor children need something to calm our nerves from this unbearable tension." Kensuke leaned closer and his glasses caught the light from the sun in such a way that his eyes were just shining circles of white and his face was covered in shadow. "A pick me up as it were but these wonderful relaxants of barley and hops are denied to us on the sole and unfair notion that we're too pubescent and immature to handle the inebriating nectar of the gods."

Catching their drift, Shinji shrilly whispered "What?! I-I can't do that!"

"Come on Shinji! I've noticed how stressed you've been these days. You might need this." Toji said softly. Shinji looked at him in surprise. Toji isn't known for his sensitive demeanor, but on occasion he does show a side that oddly enough only a certain freckled brunette can pick up on.

Well, Misato is always peppy and she manages to keep her drinking manageable…barely, Shinji mused.

Seeing the chink in the armor, Kensuke, still in his creepy yet erudite interrogator mode, pressed on. "We're not suggesting that we become a bunch of dastardly drunkards. Only that we experience a rite of passage. A rite of passage that we may never experience."

Shinji rolled his eyes as he thought by that logic, we should also go buy hookers considering my life expectancy, Toji's commitment to the class rep, and Kensuke's…well let's face it, he's never going to get laid at the rate he's going.

Little did naïve little Shinji know that that was next on Kensuke's agenda…

"And from what I figure, any bar will be happy to have you because of your hero status. Especially after they see that their beloved hero is so young and innocent with such feminine features, soft hands, scrawny physique, delicat-"

"All right! All right! Just…stop describing me."

Kensuke smirked in self satisfaction. The scenario was playing out just like he planned.

_Back at the present_

Shinji repressed another groan before getting out of bed to start the day. He did his usual clean up after Misato and fed Pen-Pen before starting on his homework for the weekend. Misato was working late so she wasn't coming home until late that night. Plenty of time to get wasted before she noticed. Asuka dragged her feet out of bed a few hours later just as Shinji was finishing up.

"Hey dork. What's that you're doing?"

"The homework for the weekend."

"Gott! You're so _boring_. Why don't you just go out and get drunk like other kids?"

"Er, me? Go drinking? I would never do that!" Shinji chuckled nervously and sounded like a drowning dolphin with helium in its lungs.

Asuka stared for a few moments, shook her head, and proceeded to pour herself a bowl of cereal. As far as their interactions went, Shinji thought this one went smoothly. Sadly Shinji was right on the money about that.

Soon afterwards Asuka left to go to a sleepover with Hikari, so Shinji knew that Asuka wouldn't catch him being potentially drunk. Before long, the magical appointed time for Shinji and his friends to get blitzed came. Kensuke and Toji were at his door. The three agreed to go to a bar around 3 in the afternoon to avoid having to stumble at night should it come down to it and get in trouble with their parents and/or guardians since for some reason they're all working the night shift that day. The trip downtown was spent in silence as though a reverent awe had struck the boys at their passage into adulthood. Well for Kensuke at least. Toji really didn't care either way but he was willing to back Kensuke's play and thought Shinji could use some time out.

_Downtown Tokyo-3_

The three stooges, as Asuka fondly called them, were standing outside a classy looking bar ironically called "The Three Stooges." They all exchanged nervous glances before walking in. The bar was dimly lit and had wall to wall patrons. Most were surprisingly young and quite a few seemed just barely out of high school. It seems like in times of war, people will always go to a bar sooner than spend time with their families.

Before Shinji knew it, they were sitting at the bar. The bartender eyed them as though to say "Seriously? You brats better be here looking for your mama or papa cuz there ain't no way you here to get soused."

Kensuke looked at Shinji. Shinji sighed and pulled out his NERV ID card and shot the bartender his most intimidating look, which oddly enough was genuinely intimidating. Courtesy of his father's genetics.

The bartender or Moustache Sally, as Toji secretly named him, was immediately cowed and promptly brought out three German brand beers to avoid any trouble. NERV was one of the few things keeping the city together and it wouldn't do for business if one of their pilots decided to have a grudge against it.

As the minutes flew by and Toji and Kensuke proved that they were hardly masters of liquor, Shinji began to understand the bar and dating scene better. Shinji, as it turned out, was no lightweight despite his looks. After several beers, Shinji still remained completely lucid, but Kensuke and Toji…

Shinji looked over at them and shook his head in embarrassment as he observed Kensuke trying (and failing) to hit on an attractive waitress who looked about 17 and made Shinji wonder how she was able to work there. Toji just sat there staring at a big tough guy in the corner for no apparent reason as though to dare him to start a fight. To his credit, the big tough man sighed and looked away before grumbling about underage drinking and then going on to talk about the latest episode of Gossip Girl. Shinji couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. Things really are different from what they seem.

Watching all the unsuccessful attempts to hit on women (even the thoroughly drunk ones) made Shinji sad in that the only way for anyone to get a date was through heavy inebriation followed by copious amounts of guilt and shame in the morning. Shinji always thought that Kaji and Misato's relationship was pretty tense, but in comparison to the orgy of disappointments and failures that he was witnessing, they were practically a match made in heaven.

He leaned back in his stool and stifled a yawn. Honestly, Shinji has never had a cavalier moment in his life, but here he was thoroughly bored despite managing to sneak into a bar and force a bartender to serve alcohol to a minor. Shinji still felt a little guilty about that and made a mental note to give a large tip to him. Money really wasn't an issue with Shinji because of his pilot's salary. He never spent it on anything, so over the last couple of months it just built up in his account.

After seeing the point where Toji (who moved onto staring at a mirror behind the counter for a fight and not realizing it was himself) and Kensuke (who was now hitting on a lampshade) were just barely capable of walking home, Shinji decided to gather his friends and go home while he can. Shinji was honestly disappointed about the whole experience. He expected something more exciting and it just seemed overhyped now. Hell, he didn't even have much of a buzz. Not compared to all the talk that he had heard from guys at the school. Unfortunately he acted too slowly in leaving. Kensuke passed out on top of the bar counter before he could act and Toji was too embroiled in his contest with himself to help carry Kensuke home. For once in his short life, Shinji let loose a scream of frustration.

The rest of the bar went silent for a moment to look at the strange young man at the counter, but went back to business soon enough. The waitress that Kensuke had hit on wandered over in concern.

"Is anything the problem sir?"

"…No. Thanks for asking." Shinji said sheepishly after realizing where he was.

"Will your friends be all right?"

"Er yeah" Shinji realized that he would probably have to stick around a little longer as long as Kensuke was knocked out and Toji was still a basket case.

He felt a little hungry and asked the waitress, "Do you have any raisins or something?"

"No, sorry"

"How about a date?" Shinji asked earnestly without thinking.

It took a moment for the double entendre of his words to sink in for both him and the girl. Oh shit. I didn't just do that, did I? Risking a peek at her, Shinji slowly raised his head from over his drink to look the waitress that he'd inadvertently hit on.

The waitress shook with the effort of restraining from giggling. She was actually turning pink. Whether from the embarrassment or the bad pick up line, Shinji didn't know. What's worse was that even Kensuke didn't manage to provoke a reaction like that. She just smiled and shook her head before letting him down gently, but Shinji was getting laughed at. It remained this way for the next minute or so.

When, like God offering a measure of bliss to the unfortunate boy, all of a sudden Kensuke let out a loud snore breaking the tension and finally Shinji started laughing. Mostly out of nervousness, but hey let's not ruin the momentary impression of security in masculinity here. Soon the waitress started cracking up and unbeknownst to Shinji, most of the bar was listening in and started laughing after seeing that it was okay. It wasn't often that they got a kid in there and even rarer appearances from NERV personnel. The kid was a pilot to boot. One of the mysterious kids who handled those massive robots.

"You're cute, kid. And very interesting. My name's Ran Hinamoto."

With that introduction she kissed him on the cheek. Shinji was sure that his cheeks could fry bacon at the moment. Ran pulled out her order notebook and quickly wrote something on before tearing it out and handing it to Shinji. She left to serve another customer with a small grin. Guys that Shinji didn't even notice surrounding him had patted him on the back and congratulated him for scoring with an older girl.

It felt good to have achieved something authentically normal. Unfortunately, Shinji never learned that he's one of those few living embodiments of Murphy's Law. Shinji was still taking in the shocking knowledge that he had accidentally gotten a phone number through bad word choice when he heard another feminine voice. Numerous feminine voices. Soon Shinji felt dainty hands all over him and constant questions about him, but none of them felt…caring or warm. Not temperature-wise, but in the measure of emotion behind them. He realized that these women were somewhat intimidated as well as drawn by his status and were now comfortable with trying to talk to him. Maybe he could live a normal life. Not to say that he's going to become like Kaji. He knew that he didn't have the natural charm to constantly attract women, but he might as well try to enjoy the brief fame that he has with EVA. Why not try and pull something good out of the mess that EVA had done to him? However, he wasn't about to abuse it because for one he's too much of a pansy to do anything truly perverted and two he actually has standards that go above the type of women that are currently coming on to him. This surprised even Shinji himself since he always had a self loathing disposition and always thought that he only deserved the lowest. It was…pleasant. Maybe, he could make a connection, but first thing's first.

Shinji still stuck by his friends and brought them back as soon as Kensuke woke up and Toji came out of his stupor. To their credit, Toji slurred thanks as best as he could and hoped that Shinji had a good time to come out of his funk (which he did to some extent as far as someone like Shinji can cheer up) and Kensuke managed to get an apology out for taking advantage of him. At times like these, Shinji really appreciated having good friends like them and despite all their little quirks, he knew that he'd stick by them and they would do the same.

After walking the two to their (thankfully) empty houses, Shinji returned to his own apartment where he knew that Misato and Asuka would be out and he would be able to wash up and remove all traces of his little sojourn through his approaching adulthood. Shinji was still perfectly sober so he didn't have any trouble making his way up.

Ready to go to sleep, Shinji eagerly opened the door and found Misato and Asuka sitting at the kitchen table. Well, shit. Maybe it was his experience in the bar or maybe it was just some grit accumulated from piloting, but he stood his ground and calmly walked towards the two lovely ladies…after a few moments' hesitation of course. This is Shinji after all.

"Nice evening, isn't it Shin-chan?"

"Where have you been, dummkopf?!" Asuka demanded.

"Out."

"Oh? Out where?" Misato asked coyly.

"No place in particular" Shinji answered back cryptically.

Asuka growled in disbelief.

"If it was 'no place in particular' then why do I spy lipstick on your face? And your clothes are all mussed up and smell of perfume?"

"…I like to dress up." Shinji deadpanned.

Shinji was surprised at himself, but also felt like he should take some risks. The bar had emboldened him. Not the alcohol, but the experience of knowing that there was a chance that he could reach out and not be rejected. He was still hesitant, but as he saw their reactions, he gained more traction and ground. Needless to say, Asuka and Misato were deeply surprised at this Shinji.

"…I'm not going to ask, Shinji. But you will be grounded for the next month except for just synch tests and school."

"Seems fair"

Asuka was shocked at him and mused, "Another surprise. Maybe he's becoming a little more responsible."

Wait a minute…

"What!? You're letting him off like that!?" Asuka exploded. "He goes off and does god knows what and you let him off with a slap on the wrist!?"

Following this, he seemed to deflate and muttered, "Sorry. I won't do it again"

"Asuka. Shinji's not the type to get into any real danger outside of EVA." Misato replied.

It was a lie. Misato knew perfectly well where Shinji was from the Section 2 reports and was about to discipline Shinji according to Irish Catholic School rules, but seeing him more mature stayed her hand. Something in the bar let him grow up a little. It wasn't the booze. Misato knew drunk when she saw it and Shinji was clearly sober, but some experience in that bar let him open up just a little. Misato always knew that Shinji was a fairly depressed and lonely boy despite being with his friends. Hedgehog's dilemma as Ritsuko put it, but Shinji seemed happier and possibly more stable as a pilot and person after one simple experience. Misato cared for the kids under her care and knew she couldn't be a hypocrite about underage drinking as well as the fact that if anybody deserved the right to get sauced once in a while, it was Shinji for all the things he endured. Hopefully he wouldn't make it his crutch like she did, but from the looks of it Shinji wasn't reliant on it. He enjoyed the socializing more than anything based off of the latest Section 2 update.

"Look at him! It's obvious he was out womanizing or something!" Asuka exclaimed.

Shinji tried to discreetly push the phone numbers he accumulated deeper into his pocket, but Asuka wasn't a university graduate for nothing. She swiftly got out of her chair and reached into Shinji's pants pocket. Normally Shinji would've been embarrassed at having Asuka so close to him, but now he was panicked over her reaction. She pulled out a handful of scraps of paper and held them out to Misato triumphantly. If things weren't any worse, Asuka started to read through the notes. Most just held a number and name, but some had rather…descriptive imagery of what was intended should he call that number. Asuka's eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared. Shinji was vaguely reminded of a dragon preparing to let loose a jet of flames.

"I'm going to bed." Asuka growled out.

Shinji followed lead with a quick smile to Misato. Misato smiled back and hoped that Shinji would continue to open up and grow bolder as he did right before Asuka's disparaging remark.

Shinji quickly caught up with Asuka. Trying to remember the open boldness he felt before, Shinji asked, "W-why did you come home from the sleepover early?"

Asuka whirled around and glared at Shinji. Shinji trembled a little, but held his ground. As Shinji looked straight at into her eyes, Asuka lost some of her fury.

She whispered, "Because I felt something was bothering you when I was leaving."

With those words, Asuka quickly entered her room and slammed the screen door. Shinji could only stare blankly at where she stood before shaking his head in surprise and walking to his own room.

A/N: I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. I kind of wanted to make a comedy, but quite honestly NGE is a heavy weight kind of thing where I can't be very unrealistic. I'm open to ideas and suggestions. This isn't related to the first fanfic preview I wrote. This is just focused on Shinji's growth. Also, I've decided and low key romance, so it won't be fluff on A/S or R/S. The pairing is still up in the air. Next chapter is how Rei reacts to Shinji's small growth. Mind you Shinji's still easily discouraged but he's now found a reason to take a risk where he wouldn't normally. I might rewrite this chapter for grammar and spelling but still up in the air. I bid you all a good night. And don't forget to review because seriously I need some suggestions.


	2. Cooking with Creepez

Almost forgot the obligatory disclaimer. I do not own NGE. Gainax studios does.

* * *

Status. That's what matters in the world. How you measure up to the person next to you and beyond. It's the only way for you to know where your place in the world…no matter how bitter it is. This was the creed of the lovely (and perfectly even tempered) Asuka Langley Soryu. Acknowledgement was all the love that she needed. At present, the girl in question was lying on top of her futon, glaring at the ceiling as if it held all the answers to every question she had, but refused to tell her. The night before held a lot of surprises that no one was all that prepared for. Well, except for Misato, but that was only because she had an entire corps of elite, menacing bodyguards (despite unsettlingly losing track of a psychologically damaged fourteen year old wimp with absolutely no stealth training).

Asuka turned on her side and reflected on the events of the night before. _Stupid baka. Making me worry. Bet he was out with the stooges again. What were they doing anyways? Shinji isn't the type to go out picking up women. I didn't even know that he was capable of getting so many numbers! And what was with his attitude last night!? He was always a bit of a whiner, but now it seems like he's actually got some edge to his whines. Why am I even worried about him? It's not as if I like him. I don't hate him, but I wish he- that he would just man up…like he did last night…even if he does grow a spine, it's not like he'll be worthy of me. He's no Kaji after all. Shinji has status, but it's hardly comparable to mine. Not like Kaji who's so mysterious and rugged. Maybe he's trying to take tips from Kaji. After all, how else would Shinji be able to get a girl? He can't even talk normally to anybody outside of his little group let alone a pretty girl. Pft. Like he'd even get within five feet of a pretty girl before fainting. What am I doing thinking about this? I should just get up and start the-hey what's that smell?_

Hearing the sounds of frying meat, Asuka slowly got out of bed to see what was going on.

In the kitchen, Shinji was busily making a full course Western-style breakfast. He thought he should try and make it up to Asuka and Misato for disappointing them which was actually far from the truth. Shinji failed to realize that Misato was actually somewhat proud of him for taking first steps to independence and Asuka was just worried (not that she'd admit it again after the other night, but at least it's progress from outright competitiveness). Shinji rarely took pride in anything, but cooking was something special. It was the first thing that gave him any sort of courage. As he was cooking the crepes, a wave of nostalgia crept over him.

* * *

_**Another flashback! Holy Smokes!**_

It was quiet in the lonely household. At the moment, there were only three people living in it. Laying in a futon was an eleven year old Shinji Ikari. Every morning he made a routine out of staring at the ceiling and puzzling out why his father left. The ceiling was green and relatively unremarkable, but as time went on Shinji grew to hate it.

"I have no use for you." The words always haunted Shinji since his father's abandonment. _What use was a son for other than to love and be loved at that age? Did father not want to be loved or to give love? It seemed that way. Father was so angry and sad looking. Every time he looked at me, there's always some resentment and fear. Occasionally I think I saw something like care and love, but always with fear. I don't know why. I think it has something to do with Mom._

His aunt and uncle mostly just left him alone. They were nice, but kept their distance. Shinji didn't sense any resentment or anger on their part and supposed that it might have been connected to the picture of a child on the mantle. They always avoided looking at it directly and when they did, he always saw the same look that was on his father's face. That same fear and grief.

Shinji never spoke much in or out of the house. He didn't have many friends and those that he had were at best acquaintances that he only really spoke with inside of school. Strangely, Shinji spent most of his free time wandering the town forest. He supposed that it was due to the isolation and peace that he found there. The boy wasn't necessarily a hermit who sought inner peace. Far from it, Shinji often desired human contact, but was always scared of his fellow classmates. Would they have no use for him just like his father? If it was one thing that Shinji learned through his limited interactions with people, it was that everybody gets used and returns the favor. It was the way the world worked, but did he have any worth to be of use? That was the question that tantalized his thoughts over the last year because of his father's last words to him. So he stuck to the forest where his thoughts could not be judged and that the only things that could hurt him were the things that he decided on.

Shinji got out of bed and shuffled into the kitchen. He saw a note saying "Buying groceries." Concise and impersonal. No signature of "love from your caring aunt" or any sign of personal attention. He sighed and went to pour some cereal, but it was all gone. There was nothing ready to eat in the house. Shinji often felt powerless, but the loss of control over something simple like feeding oneself just ate at Shinji. He opened the fridge and stared into it. A good five minutes passed by, Shinji was about to close it when he espied a book with a bright red spine. After a moment's hesitation, Shinji reached and opened it. It was a cookbook for breakfast foods. From the well thumbed pages, it was obvious that it was used very often before, but the layer of dust on it told Shinji that it hadn't been used recently. The page that Shinji had flipped open was on a Western food.

_Creeepez._ Shinji mentally mispronounced._ What are those? They look like pancakes. They look good…_

Normally Shinji wasn't all that inclined to explore any new, unfamiliar activity, but for some reason the prospect of making crepes or creeepez excited him. Looking at the list of instructions, Shinji felt intimidated. And then a thought struck him, maybe his aunt and uncle would pay more attention if he cooked for them! Feeling inspired, Shinji started reading.

An hour, many egg shells, and several bruises (Don't Ask) later, Shinji had a stack of crepes. They were golden, very thin and soft. Glowing with the pride of having created something all by himself, Shinji placed the jars of jam on the table and stepped back to admire his work. At that moment Shinji's aunt and uncle walked in. They froze and looked at each other as if to ask one another if they made breakfast before leaving. Shinji looked hesitantly up at them.

"D-do you want strawberry or grape?"

A long silence followed the little voice. Finally, Shinji's uncle blinked and said, "Strawberry would be nice."

"I'd like some apricot if you have it"

With those words they sat down and Shinji looked at them apprehensively as they ate their food. Would he now have a use to them? The aunt finished first. She looked up from her chair at Shinji and smiled.

"They were delicious. This is your first time cooking isn't it?"

Shinji nodded and relaxed a little. Shinji's uncle got out of his chair and clapped Shinji on the shoulder before looking at him approvingly.

_**Flashback end!**_

* * *

Of course, Shinji's aunt and uncle went back to the usual routine and Shinji was fine with it. From that day on Shinji threw himself into his cooking. It was the tenuous connection and role he had to his emotionally distant relatives. They never outwardly expressed their affection after that day, but there was always a slight glint behind their stony eyes. Being used was something that Shinji always desired from them, but instead he received something even better. Approval. Acknowledgement that he existed and mattered in some way. However, it wasn't _their_ approval he needed…

He set the table with flowers and food. The crepes smelled wonderful and were in all varieties from stuffed with ham and spinach to a simple jam spread. To balance it, there was a fruit bowl and freshly squeezed orange juice.

Hearing footsteps from the hallway, Shinji returned to cooking and said, "Good morning"

"What's all this about, baka?"

Shinji was still ensconced in his food induced nirvana and wasn't even the slightest bit disturbed. This was where the world was quiet for Shinji. A place free from the harsh judgments of the world. Where he was acknowledged and approved of. The home that he had made from the nourishing approval of his few relatives.

"Making it up to you"

"You think that some piddly little breakfast is going to make it up to me? Also, there's nothing to make up for. Like I was really concerned about you"

A lie, but Asuka still had her pride to take care of. Probably was going to be the only thing she's ever going to take care of if she continued this way.

"Just eat the damn food." Shinji lethargically shot back.

Shinji snapped out of his trance. _Why do I always say the wrong things these days? I hope it ends as well as the last time. Wait, that's not what I meant. I don't think of her in that way._ Unfortunately the mental image of Asuka in the red and white striped bikini (as first featured in episode 10 except even more stripped down) was proving him wrong at the moment. Turning red, Shinji shook himself and chanced a look at the fiery redhead. To Shinji's astonishment, Asuka was actually complying, but not before shooting a look that could melt titanium.

"Mm" Asuka could barely repress the moan of delight at the taste of the crepes. She tucked in and voraciously massacred the innocent French flatcakes.

_Maybe there's one more reason for enjoying cooking._

"Forgot about the benefits of having a housebroken male like you around." Asuka grunted through her food.

_Or not_

At this juncture, a certain purple haired aficionado (addict) of all alcoholic beverages padded into the scene of a smiling Shinji (for some reason Misato's brain couldn't process the image) and a gluttonous Asuka ravaging her food. Was food supposed to look sad and violated? Barely repressing a smirk (and a shudder), Misato grabbed her own pile of goods and dug in.

_Huh, maybe things are looking up_, thought Shinji. _Hm, both of them are ignoring the fruit…how do they keep their figures? Misato drinks beer on a bihourly basis and Asuka never seems to eat anything all that healthy with her addiction to Western food. Ah well, I wonder what Kensuke and Toji are doing._

Not that well for anybody wondering. Ah, the wonders of your first hangover.

* * *

_**Next day**_

Shinji met up with Kensuke and Toji on the way to school. They looked sheepish as they approached him.

"Hey man." Toji said awkwardly.

"Hey…"

An awkward silence filled the air.

"Look. We're sorry that we pushed you to-"

"No, don't." Shinji was surprised at himself, but at the same time he wasn't. He was actually grateful to them for (despite using him) allowing him to see something more.

"But-" Kensuke started.

"But nothing" Shinji interrupted with a hint of steel.

Toji and Kensuke exchanged glances to ask if this was really the same wimpy, unsure Shinji they knew and loved.

"S-so, how was yesterday?" Shinji asked meekly. Alas the moment of courage has passed, but it was good while it lasted.

Yup, same old Shinji, mentally chorused both stooges.

"Urgh, I'm never going drinking again. Mari almost caught me hung over. The headache was killer."

Kensuke groaned. "Yeah, my dad thought that I was going through some male version of PMS. And what's worse is that I rolled with it."

"I got grounded except for synch tests and school." Shinji revealed.

Content in the fact that they were all suffering, the three stooges sighed in unison and trudged onto school.

* * *

_**Same day, School**_

"Upon second impact, more than half the population…"

"Zzzz" went the rest of the class. Well, to be fair only half did that. The other half were staring with glazed eyes at the teacher, not even bothering to look attentive. Shinji was in the latter, but he was fantasizing about making a nice sandwich when he got home. His imagination was severely skewed from years of isolation, so any fantasies about certain red-haired or blunette teenaged hotties were out of his creative range (unlike ¾ of the class, including the girls).

Asuka was staring out the window and studied Shinji's profile from the reflection off the glass. Not that she'd admit it, but she was more curious about Shinji now. He just seemed to grow some backbone out of nowhere. However, she caught herself staring for a good half hour before thinking, _whoa, what am I doing? Just because he finally manned up a little doesn't mean I go all stalker. Keep this up and next thing I know I'm some 30-something cat lady obsessing over emotionally distant men with anonymous lesbian admirers in tow…where did that one come from?_

Somewhere in NERV, a certain bottle blonde sneezed.

Off in the corner, Rei Ayanami was staring outside when she heard the mutterings of her fellow classmates. Normally she didn't care much about their gossip, but she heard the magic words Shinji Ikari. Upon hearing those words, she tilted her head ever so slightly to hear more clearly.

"Did you hear about Shinji going to a bar!?"

"What! No way! He looks too sweet to do anything like that."

"It's true! My brother works as a bartender and saw him at his bar once. Apparently he threatened to kill my brother with his eyes to give him beer before getting like a _kajillion_ numbers from like a _kabillion_ hot girls!"

"Whoa! What a player! Wait, you mean the brother with that wig on his upper lip?"

From what Rei could decipher from the colloquialisms and jabber, it sound like Shinji went to a bar and became a manwhore, a very successful one at that. Rei sat stock still for the remainder of the lesson, trying to puzzle the disparity of her impression of him to what she was hearing now. She will have to make an inquiry into the matter, gritting her teeth subconsciously.

At long last, lunch break was upon them. Shinji and his fellow misfit comrades went to their usual hangout by the trees. This was a time that they could just be like regular kids. Shinji was happily chewing on his lunch while listening to Kensuke geek out about the latest EVA news. Toji shared the occasional exasperated glance with Shinji and proceeded to steal looks at a certain brunette. Truly it was a peaceful part of the day.

Unfortunately for Shinji, a certain blue haired individual decided to intervene at this time.

"Shinji", said Rei in her usual deadpan tones. "How are you?"

Shinji jerked out of his slouch, bewildered that Rei would try to talk to him on purpose.

"Uh, yes. Why do you ask?'

"Because I would think that Pilot Soryu would have harmed you already," replied Rei.

"For what?" Shinji knew that Asuka was a very tempestuous person, but she didn't hurt people for no reason. _Wait, could she be talking about-_

"You allegedly being a manwhore." Rei deadpanned, unwittingly completing Shinji's internal dialogue. There wasn't the slightest hint of humor behind her tone, just a bland statement of fact.

Behind Shinji, Kensuke and Toji spat out whatever was in their mouth when Rei said that. Shinji? A manwhore? Shinji reddened and stuttered, "I-I a-a-am not a manwhore!"

"Then why are all the girls saying you are?"

"What girls!?" Shinji all but shrieked.

"In our class. A brother of one of them accuses you of seducing numerous women"

"What brother!?" Shinji was now panicking. He didn't really think that he had much of a track record with women other than just that one night.

"This brother works at the bar where you allegedly received 'a kajillion' phone numbers from 'a kabillion' girls as well as extort alcohol." Rei spoke with a completely straight face the entire time, but Shinji got the impression that something behind it. Now Shinji isn't the most confident of people (understatement of the year), but he knew all about hidden emotions. After months of staying with Asuka and Misato, he learned to detect hidden rage in women. A useful skill for the years to come, but at this moment Shinji, having the limited social capabilities of an awkward teenager, was scared stiff.

Shinji opened and closed his mouth several times. There was no response to that without lying. He did get a lot of phone numbers from girls at that bar and he did go drinking.

Finally, he slowly said, "Technically, I did, but it was a 'kabillion' girls. It was closer to maybe five at the most."

Shinji was actually lying on that point, but for some reason his male instinct was telling him to tread softly around this. Back in the peanut gallery, Toji and Kensuke were flabbergasted. Shinji was successful with women!? More importantly could he give either of them any tips!?

"I see", Rei said in her usual soft monotone. Then she turned about face and walked away.

_Is it just me or is all this is beginning to feel like some shoujo manga…not that I read them. Ahem! Wait, Toji and Kensuke are still aren't they? Oh, this is not going to be good._ Shinji grimaced before turning back to his friends for the inevitable onslaught of teasing. To Shinji's surprise, they were looking at him with what looked like…respect?

"Dude! You have got to give us some advice!" Toji exclaimed.

"For your wooing of young Miss Hikari Horaki?" teased Kensuke.

"Hey, that was supposed to be secret!"

"Pft. Some and the class rep ogle each other whenever the other isn't looking. Even I could notice it." Kensuke inadvertently insulted himself, but he didn't seem to notice.

"That's-she's been looking at me? Why didn't you tell me!?"

Shinji started laughing and rolled on the ground. Tears of laughter and relief came to his eyes as Toji and Kensuke proved once again that it was worth being friends with them.

"Hey! Just cuz you're now some hotshot pimp doesn't mean you get to laugh at us poor schmucks."

"Actually, I think it technically does."

"…Shut up, Kensuke."

Still laughing (and a little red from being called a pimp), Shinji shepherded his friends back to the class room. It was odd. He was feeling happier than he has in years. All because he gave into peer pressure. Who knew underage drinking could promote mental health?

Meanwhile, back at the classroom, Rei was back at her seat. She looked exactly as she usually does with the messy mop of powder blue hair and blank expression, but inside her mind was massively confused. Since when was Shinji good with women? Even Rei could tell that Shinji was not all that sociable.

_Is Shinji not like me? I could always tell that he thought his purpose was always EVA. What has changed? No matter how much he hated it. No matter how much pain it caused him. He always came back…because it was the only thing waiting for him…Just like me. He is connected to EVA just like me. Pilot Soryu appears to do nothing but berate him so it is improbable for him to have developed a bond there and Captain Katsuragi is just as devoted to EVA as Shinji, so why has he desired to reach for other attachments? He should not. He could not. There is nothing but EVA for him…isn't there? Shinji is like me. He longs for connections to other people but can't. He is too afraid and hesitant while I'm...Am I afraid? My bond is only with EVA and the Commander…but I have felt connected in some way to Shinji through EVA. If he leaves it in pursuit of other bonds, then…I will be more alone…as well as the world being less well protected, of course. _

Maybe said a traitorous voice in her head. Shinji should not be allowed to make other bonds outside of EVA. Maybe, you should…intervene.

Rei couldn't think of a logical argument against it other than disappointing Shinji. And that was something that Rei was surprised to find unacceptable. Rei was a creature of logic, not emotion. Logically, Rei should keep Shinji bound to EVA for the sake of the commander and the world. The fact that he would remain connected to her in some way was just a coincidental benefit. Other connections with other things and people will just detract from his focus on EVA. But there was the urge to defy reason for the sake of Shinji's feelings and wellbeing as well as his impression of her. _I have to keep Shinji close to EVA and away from any other distracting bond…don't I?_

A/N: Still don't know my direction here, but I think it's closer to a bildungsroman than anything. It will remain Shinji-centric, but I want to characterize Rei and Asuka's growth a bit more. In this chapter, Asuka and Rei are just discovering that they can go beyond their limited perspectives. With Asuka, it's about her skewed ideas of hierarchy being the dominant power in the world. With Rei, it's about her desire for bonds and refusal of her emotions for the sake of those bonds. Of course, both will be interested in Shinji, but keep in mind, I don't want it to be pure fluff, so no outward cries of love just yet. Till then, good night.


	3. Shinji King of the Pimps?

Normal disclaimer: Not affiliated with Gainax and writing for pure pleasure rather than profit.

Chapter 3:

Shinji…King of the Pimps?

_**In Rei's apartment**_, _**Four Days Later**_

_My rest was inhibited by concerns about Shinji. It shouldn't have been. The solution is clear, but…I still hesitate to implement it. Why am I so personally disturbed at the thought of Shinji leaving EVA or about manipulating him to stay? I should only be concerned with the continuation of Commander Ikari's scenario. And yet…I cannot stop thinking about how Shinji could be breaking his bonds with m- w-with EVA. It has been over five days since I was informed Shinji's activities and I am still…What matters is the scenario. Yes, Shinji must be kept bound to me. EVA._ Rei woke up as lucid as she did coming in. The ceiling was a dull grey, but she stared at it nonetheless. She felt that it perfectly reflected herself if she fancied herself a poet. Grey was bereft of taste and flavor, but served its function by sheer existence in the color spectrum. Just like she was free of desire and persona, but only existed for her purpose. Not pure. Simply there…just like all the other empty people in the world. She turned her head to look out the tiny crack of light her window allowed in. The construction workers were at it again as well as the trains rolling by. Rei never complained about the noise or attempted to block it out. To her, it just seemed like another aspect of life that had no bearing on her ultimate purpose. She was expendable and in her perspective, being expendable meant that it wouldn't matter anyway if she was comfortable or not. Without the slightest sound, Rei got off her bed and prepared for the last school day of the week.

_Perhaps I should escort Shinji to school…to ensure no other bonds are created of course. Shinji has proven himself to be quite lascivious when it comes to the opposite sex and he might compromise his commitment to NERV. In order to prevent such an event from occurring, I need to directly intercede. Yes, this is the right course of action._

* * *

_**Misato's Apartment, Same Day**_

Despite being grounded, Shinji was quite happy all things considered. He was even cheerful when Asuka did her daily routine of shrieking in incomprehensible (and curse word laden) German. _Sometimes_, Shinji thought. _I don't think the day would be complete without the shrill sound of guttural German…_

The redhaired girl in question was looking into the mirror and checking for any minor imperfections in her appearance. _None as usual. What else would you expect from Asuka Langley Soryu! If only Shinji would start looking at his own appearance. I mean he only wears the same thing every day! Even on weekends! And is it just me or are his legs like freakishly disproportionate to the rest of his body!? _Asuka internally sighed. _I doubt he even knows the meaning of the word 'accessorize'! Ugh! I'm doing it again! I'm thinking about the dummkopf. Absolutely useless! That's what it and he is! _

At last prepared and primped for the school day, Asuka bent down to reach for her book bag before hearing Shinji say "R-Rei! What are you doing here?"

She froze and in the blink of an eye she bolted out of her room to see what was going on. As Asuka skidded to a halt, she was treated to the sight of a flustered Shinji greeting an indifferent Rei at the door.

"I have come to walk with you to school, Shinji."

"I can see that, but why?"

Rei cutely tilted her head and looked at him with innocent eyes. "Are we not acquaintances?"

Under Shinji's tenure as Misato's ward (personal maid), he was no stranger to women trying to manipulate him with cuteness (or in Misato's case, age-inappropriate sex appeal), but he was nonplussed to see it tried by Rei. Not to say that it wasn't effective, but it was still surprising.

"Ahoy farrl" Shinji was tongue twisted for the umpteenth time that week.

"Oy! Wonder girl! You trying to make a move on the dork or something?"

Rei blinked. Why would she think that?

"I-it's not like that…is it?" Shinji timidly asked. These days Shinji really couldn't predict anything about women. As of late he had accidentally used one of the worst pick up lines in existence and somehow someone with XX chromosomes and curves (very nice ones at that, but Shinji would be too coy to admit it) fell for it. On top of that Asuka was actually worried about him for once and Misato didn't castrate him for underage drinking. Quite frankly, Shinji made a mental note to be more attentive during Angel attacks. With omens like this, he was almost certain that the apocalypse was coming.

"No."

Asuka released a breath she didn't know she was holding and Shinji relaxed, but was oddly a little disappointed. "I simply thought that it would be efficient since we have a synch test in the Geofront this afternoon and my route to school is not too far from your home."

"And you couldn't have informed us over the phone?" Asuka asked skeptically.

"The landlines are not secure. There are religious extremist groups that would pay dearly to know when we meet for our tests."

_Thank god. Not for the religious extremist part, those terrorist bastards. This dummkopf doesn't need any more women hanging off his arm let alone Wonder Girl…because he doesn't even have the right to have that many women! He's so timid that it's any wonder that he's still here as a pilot. Such a boring little boy doesn't deserve such a high synch score!_

"Well all right. Let me get my bag. Are you coming with Asuka?"

"And risk being seen with two freaks like you? No thanks." Asuka snapped.

* * *

_**Tokyo-3 High School**_

God is a fickle being. He gives and takes like nobody's business. Unfortunately for Shinji, God was giving a little too much for comfort with regards to attention and notoriety. When Shinji got to the school, everybody was whispering and taking quick glances at him. As many can expect, Shinji was on edge about this. A few months ago, he might have been shy and afraid but the fame of being a pilot had gradually set in and he learned to ignore talk about him. As it turns out, this was a mistake. A big mistake. Intentional obliviousness had cost him dearly as he was about to find out.

"There goes the pimp of Tokyo-3 High."

"Hey, do you think he can hook me up with somebody?"

"Is that Ayanami he's with?"

"Wow. He really is a pimp if he can bag Ayanami."

"Don't blame her. He's got a cute butt."

Shinji blushed a shade of red that would've made a fire truck cry. Rei, for her part, wasn't even fazed in the slightest bit. Like Shinji, she just ignored the attention, but took it to an extreme where her classmates might as well have been mute when they were talking about her. To Rei, it was a waste of energy to be concerned with the opinions of a bunch of schoolchildren.

_Hm. Shinji appears to be flushed. Why? I've seen this color on his face before. When he first came here and fell on me after I showered. I nor is anybody else around us naked, so why would he present this facial color now? _

Behind the two about twenty meters, Asuka was just coming up on the school when she heard the chatter.

"Ooh. Here comes the jealous girlfriend."

"Wait, are Asuka and Shinji going out?"

"Well they live together, don't they?"

"And with that hot purple haired woman. Hoo-boy"

"I take it back. Shinji is the KING of pimps."

Upon hearing this, Asuka's eyes widened in shock. Of course in true Asuka fashion she clenched her teeth and her left eye twitched with restrained rage. _Where is that idiot!? He better not have been spreading rumors about us! If he did, I'll be sure to teach him his place. Hope the Commander wasn't expecting grandchildren._

Fortunately for Shinji, he went into the school building just before Asuka came to the entrance and heard all of the gossip. Seeing Asuka act positively sociopathic, the kids in the courtyard quieted down and made sure to keep their distance from the 2nd child. They could almost see the air around her distort from the sheer heat of her fury. Needless to say every person there was scared beyond all belief (although a few of the more masochistic ones were little turned on.)

In the classroom, Shinji was back in his little group with Toji and Kensuke. Thankfully, Toji and Kensuke had enough sense to know that Shinji didn't want to talk about all the rumors flying around. For one, they knew it was their fault for Shinji's newly minted reputation as a pimp (they didn't know whether to be proud or ashamed) and two, they were actually sensitive enough to avoid the issue while Shinji was still shaken. So they talked about something that any teenaged boy would talk about.

"Dude, there is no way that John McClain can take Batman in a fight!"

"Au contraire, my bespectacled friend. Granted, Batman is badass, but he doesn't use guns! Now my man McClain-"

"What! Batman doesn't need guns. He has his kung fu prowess!"

"Oh yeah? McClain would shoot him before he even got his little tights on. That's how badass he is."

"Batman wears body armor, not tights. A gun wouldn't do any good! Shinji, back me up here."

"Well, I always thought that Dirty Harry wou-"

"Oh, you did not go there!" Toji and Kensuke shouted in unison.

The three clashed like there was no tomorrow. There was no ground being given on the great debate. Before Shinji knew it, school was over and luckily he unwittingly avoided Asuka for the day. Asuka and Shinji may have been in the same class, but that day was (rather conveniently) a free study day for the upcoming finals, so the trio slacked off and spent their time wandering around the school embroiled in the argument. Soon, the three managed to drag others into their fight which created crowds around the school. All arguing the same thing: Dirty Harry v. Batman v. John McClain. With the cover of the crowds, Shinji managed to slip unnoticed by anybody to Asuka's disappointment.

Unbeknownst to Shinji, because of the boys' argument, the snowball effect kicked into overdrive. As Shinji and his friends were about to walk home, they came across a tense (and awkwardly creepy) situation outside the school.

"JOHN MCCLAIN!" bellowed a mob of barefooted men with undershirts, touting signs stating the aforementioned action star's famous catchphrase.

"BATMAN!" shouted a crowd of Batman cosplayers and fanatics. Posters of Gotham's savior were held up with all pride mustered.

"DIRTY HARRY!" All of the supporters in this camp were wearing 70's era suits and touting (fake) .44 Magnums.

Shinji and Toji stood slack jawed at the display. It was amazing how easily a childish fight could grow to epic proportions. Toji turned to say something to Kensuke when he noticed that he wasn't there anymore.

"Hey, where'd Kensuke go?"

"Um."

With that eloquent response, Shinji pointed at the Batman crowd. Toji looked and saw Kensuke eagerly getting into a Batman suit.

_Why are we friends with him again?_ Both boys thought at the same time and each came up with their own answer. Shinji's brain came up with the sum of _He has his moments._ Toji came up with the same answer but also tossed in _Because he can and will hack into any porn site out there._ (A dirty little part of Shinji thought that too, but if asked he wouldn't admit to it.)

As Shinji and Toji stood there, they failed to notice the whirlwind of German fury approaching them.

Asuka had a very trying day so far. From the very beginning of the day when she started thinking about Shinji (an event happening with greater frequency) to hearing all those degrading rumors and then missing the wimp by mere seconds every time (rationally she knew he didn't start the gossip, but she still wanted someone to blame…and beat the living crap out of.) By now she had heard about a dozen different theories about Shinji's relationship with her (including one where she's a lesbian and Shinji looks close enough to a girl or that Misato and her were in a ménage a trois), so as one can expect she was not pleased. However, once she spotted the familiar slim frame of Shinji Ikari, it was the one ray of light on her day (albeit a ray tainted with bloodlust and potential PMS.)

Shinji felt a shiver run down his spine. Knowing only one person who could elicit this, Shinji tentatively turned around to confirm that it was indeed who he was thinking of: a thoroughly and incomprehensibly enraged Asuka.

"Dummkopf…" Asuka's voice was barely above a whisper. However, the killing intent behind it could've made an elephant's heart stop.

"Yes?" Shinji nervously asked.

"Where have you been?" Asuka's voice was still at a low volume and that in itself was creeping Shinji out.

"At school?" Shinji said slowly, confused as to why Asuka would want to find him.

"Oh? Then why couldn't I find you so that I could _rip your balls off and feed them back to your esel!_" Asuka's voice sounded positively demonic.

"W-w-what? W-why would you want to do that?"

"YOU DON'T KNOW!? What are you, stupid!?"

Shinji gulped and made sure of his bladder control before replying "N-no, but I don't know what you're talking about"

Asuka took a deep breath and calmed down a little. Lord knows that the boy isn't bright. "For all the rumors about us being in some kinky sexual relationship with over a dozen other women. Including Rei!"

Shinji stared blankly at her and then looked at Toji who just shrugged. Toji knew about the rumors, but he didn't want to burden Shinji (and he wanted to get his hands on Kensuke's video camera when he finally told him.) Seeing no support there, Shinji, in a shocked and blank state of mind, said, "I'm sorry?"

"You're sorry? Is that all you have to say? Because of your drunken skirt chasing, I have to be the object of abuse here."

Feeling a little indignant, Shinji shot back "I'm sorry, all right!? I didn't mean for you to get caught in my crap! Also, only once! I have only gone out drinking and gotten phone numbers from girls once! In all of the months I've been here and all the freaking temptations, I've only done it once!"

Shinji didn't know where his indignation came from. Pride was a foreign mental construct to him. It still is, but now he can actually feel it a little and could understand why Asuka was so addicted to it.

"You still did it! Have you no shame, idiot!?"

"Hey, I have plenty of shame" Shinji pitifully retorted before realizing that he had just put his foot in his own mouth. "I mean-"

"Shut it!" Asuka ordered in harsh, hushed tones. She leaned into Shinji's face with her teeth cruelly bared like a lioness spotting a slow, plump gazelle. Shinji could only see her eyes, which were currently narrowed in a predatory fashion. Normally Shinji would've been embarrassed (and a little turned on) at a girl as attractive as Asuka within this close of proximity, but at the moment he was terrified. Seeing Shinji satisfactorily spooked at that point, Asuka half growled and half whispered "You're going to make it up to me."

Shinji quickly nodded. Anything to get away from those awful eyes.

Asuka thought for a moment and came up with the perfect idea. _That idiot won't know what's coming to him._

"Next time..." Asuka said. Shinji nodded rapidly again as if it could appease her. "You take me with you when you go barhopping again."

"…What?" To say that Shinji was confused was an understatement.

"You heard me! One it's not fair for a boring little boy like you to drink when I, a beautiful young maiden, can't! And two, your womanizing has to be kept under control. Those poor girls need to be protected from perverts like you!"

"I am not a pervert!" said Shinji defensively. It was technically true to an extent (he was a teenage boy after). Women came onto him, not the other way around (and yet he views it with some apprehension and as a bit of a curse).

"I think that mountain of numbers in that shoebox under your bed say otherwise," said Asuka drolly.

"I didn't ask for them. Those women gave to them to me. Wait, what were you doing in my room!?"

"Yeah, right. I had every right to look since you betrayed my-I mean Misato's trust in you! Besides the fact remains that women everywhere need to be protected from the likes of you."

Seeing Shinji speechless and shocked, Toji finally had enough of Asuka's nettling and jumped in between Shinji and Asuka.

"Hold on! Shinji was forced to go out because of me and Kensuke. Not because he wanted to hit on women and get drunk. And you know what? Even after we pressured him to go against his will, he still made sure we got home safely. If I were him, I would've dropped our sorry asses at that bar and left with all those girls, but he didn't. We were piss poor excuses for friends and he still stood by us! So if you wanna insult anybody, do me or Kensuke because he don't deserve what you're dishin'!"

Now it was Asuka's turn to be shocked. Initially she thought that Shinji finally got arrogant and got it into his head that he was some hot shit that no woman could resist. Asuka was beginning to doubt it. _What if he didn't let all his accomplishments get to him? Wait, Toji is Shinji's friend. Maybe he's lying to cover for Shinji. Hikari would do the same for me. _

"I'm still coming with," Asuka resolutely concluded. "After all if Shinji really isn't an arrogant, perverted prick, then you should have no problem with me coming along."

Toji was about to open his mouth when Shinji cut him off. "It's all right, Toji. Asuka…I'm so sorry."

This time, Shinji's apology wasn't perfunctory, but honest and heart felt. _She's right. I forgot about both of their feelings. I completely ignored and disregarded their trust._ The truly surprising part of it was that Shinji wasn't full of self-loathing and disgust as usual, but strangely a part of him took it with shame and accepted it. This was the part of him nursed in that bar and then later tried to make it up to Misato and Asuka for worrying them.

"Wha?" Asuka said.

"I was insensitive and selfish. I forgot about how much worry this could've caused. I'm sorry for not understanding how you felt."

"Hmph. You mean Misato's feelings. I could care less if you dropped dead right now!" Asuka glared and left in a rage while Shinji and Toji looked on.

Asuka was lying and she knew it. She knew that Misato was actually somewhat proud of her little introvert getting out of his shell a little. And honestly if Shinji died Asuka would become just as depressed and strained as she was after her mother's death. Asuka stomped down the empty streets to NERV and stopped for a moment. _What's with all this moisture in the air?_ _Is there rain? No…am I crying?_

Asuka hadn't cried ever since she was a little girl. Not for ten years as a matter of fact. Feeling a different emotion from when she last cried, Asuka embraced it with open arms and let go of all her troubles in the miraculous little droplets exuding from her once angry eyes. _I'm so…relieved_

* * *

_**At the Geofront**_

Shinji was once again ensconced in the foul smelling liquid of LCL. However, he didn't care at the moment. He was embroiled in internal struggles and dilemmas. _I'm such a selfish creep. Why didn't I try to understand Asuka's feelings? I ask that everyone understands mine every time I run away or hesitate to pilot. I'm such a coward. No wonder, everyone's worried about me. They're probably thinking I'm going to try slitting my wrists each time I pick up a butter knife. God, am I that overdramatic? I made everyone worry just because I was an insensitive prick. I should make it up to her by just giving into her demands…even if I don't like drinking. _

Back in the control room, Ritsuko Akagi and Misato Katsuragi were looking over the synch scores.

"Shinji's score has increased by five points now." Akagi remarked, astonished at the rapid progress. "Has anything happened to bring this about? I've noticed that he seems less…inward these days."

_Aside from discovering the healing powers of the local grog?_ Misato thought sardonically. "Nope. Just seems to be a little more happy these days"

"Well, whatever it is. Keep it up"

"Sure thing, Ritzy" Misato said earnestly. However, inwardly she was thinking _Way to promote underage drinking. What next banging your mother's ex-lover?...Where did that one come from?_

"So how are things with Kaji?"

"What makes you think that there are 'things' with that playboy?" Misato said brusquely.

"Well, you seem more cheerful these days. Thought you might have gotten laid."

"What!?"

"Come to think of it, Shinji's been more stable lately, so maybe you and Shinji-"

"Finish that sentence and die" Misato snarled. Misato considered Shinji as her wayward little brother that just needed a little guidance and confidence so (despite constant teasing) she wouldn't try to come onto him.

"All right. All right"

After the tests, it was roughly 5 pm. Shinji had just showered and was on his way to the elevators. Looking forward to a quiet night, Shinji eagerly pushed the up button.

"Hello" Rei said quietly.

Shinji jerked in surprise. How did she get behind him so quietly?

"H-hey Rei. How's it going?"

"It is going well."

After this exchange, an awkward silence set in. At last the elevator chimed and interrupted it to Shinji's relief. Once in the elevator, a voice spoke up. Surprisingly it wasn't Shinji trying to stutter some conversation out of nervousness. It was Rei.

"You appear troubled. Is there anything the matter?" Rei thought that it might have been her presence. If so, it could work to her advantage at keeping Shinji bound to EVA.

Shinji was taken aback by Rei. He didn't know if he was more surprised at her perceptiveness at his emotional state or her concern at it. "Now that you mention it…Asuka snapped at me."

"Does she not normally?" Rei asked softly.

"Well, yeah, but I really messed up this time. I completely ignored how she was feeling and now she wants to come with me the next time I'm going drinking. I don't know why, but I'm going to make it up to her." Shinji said with determination that he never knew he had before.

"I see." Rei took in the new information about Asuka and Shinji's relationship. It didn't bode well for the scenario. Asuka and Shinji could potentially make a bond that draws them further and further from EVA. _What is their relationship? Shinji must be compliant and loyal to the scenario. I must ensure that Asuka and Shinji stay at arm's length from each other. But how do I implement this?_ Another voice spoke up. _Create a new bond._ Rei examined the idea._ I am empty and EVA fills that void. Logically, I am my purpose. I am an extension of EVA. If Shinji were bound to me, he would be bound to EVA. I must make a deeper connection with Shinji if I am to prevent him from creating other bonds that will separate him from me-I mean the scenario. I must remain loyal to the scenario. _It was a mantra that Rei found fainter and fainter in her head ever since getting closer to Shinji, but she still upheld it. For it was the only thing she had deep in her heart.

The elevator doors opened and Shinji was right at the gate while Rei was still standing there, finishing her last thought. Rei walked faster and caught up to Shinji just outside the gates. It was raining outside. An opportunity to be had.

"Shinji."

Shinji around and saw Rei standing with a perfectly innocent (and very cute, Shinji had to admit) expression.

"Yes, Rei?"

"It is raining."

"Um, yeah…" By now (and after so many bad coincidences), Shinji developed a sense for trouble. Right now it was ringing like crazy and was kicking his heart rate into overdrive.

"My home is far from here and I do not possess an umbrella." Rei said in the most vulnerable voice she could muster. It sounded the same as usual, but with a slightly higher pitch that only the most sensitive of dogs could catch. "May I come with you to your home in order to wait out the rain?"

"Sure…" Rei was a friend of his, right? It isn't unusual for friends to come over to other friend's house, right? Rei is a friend…that he's seen naked. This is not going to end well.

Soon enough, the two were inside Shinji's apartment. Once again, he was left alone since Asuka had some outing with Hikari and Misato was at work. Normally this wouldn't be a problem for Shinji, but this time he had company. Awkward, silent company. And. It. Would. Not. Stop. Raining! The constant rain made it impossible for Rei to leave just yet. Rei, for her part, was taking notes on Shinji's living conditions. _It appears that Shinji lives fairly isolated. Perhaps my direct interference is unnecessary, but in any case I will bind myself to Shinji to ensure that he will not stray. From the scenario, I mean._ These Freudian slips were coming more frequently than Rei would've expected. She normally ignored them, but the amount coming up with regard to Shinji disturbed her.

Shinji was trying to find something to do other than watch TV and stealing nervous glances at Rei. Fortunately for Shinji, Rei provided the distraction he was looking for.

"Shinji, do you play the cello?"

"Yes, how do you know that?"

Rei dryly raised an eyebrow (a massive expression of emotion for Rei) and pointed at the cello in the corner of the room.

"Oh…right. I was practicing yesterday and I forgot to put it away." Shinji laughed nervously. It sounded like a cat hacking up a wet hairball.

Rei looked at him steadily with her eyebrow still raised. Then she asked, "Perhaps you could play a little…to make the time go a little faster until the rain went away."

Shinji complied. He would do anything to make time less excruciatingly slow. He sat into position, readied his bow, but hesitated. He was about to play the Prelude by Bach, but felt that it was too late for that for some reason. Taking a deep breath, Shinji started playing. It was Bach's Cello Suite No. 1. For some reason, Shinji felt that it was right and made a conclusion and a beginning to something. To what, Shinji didn't know, but all he knew is that at this moment, he was playing. He kept playing and playing. Drawing all his emotions and feeling that he's somehow imbuing his strings with them to resonate into the air and letting them breathe. Like cooking, this was a little niche for Shinji to find his calm center and express himself. At the last note, Shinji opened his eyes and was calm. Waiting for any sign of disapproval from Rei, he looked up and saw. Rei was smiling. The same smile that she gave him after the fifth angel but it had so much more feeling behind it. Shinji smiled back and shared in the moment of closeness.

Both didn't realize that Asuka was home. She was in the hall, but stopped and pressed her against the wall so that they couldn't see her once she realized Shinji wasn't alone and was playing. _Shinji plays cello? How come I never noticed?_ A traitorous voice answered back. _Because you never cared enough to do so._ Asuka clenched her teeth at the thought. Here she accused Shinji of being insensitive and yet she was just as guilty._ No. _She adamantly rejected. _Shinji is just a jerk and a dummy. _

Rei looked out the window and the rain was gone. It wasn't sunny, but it was less cloudy. Before departing, Rei said, "Thank you for being hospitable."

"No problem…if you ever need to just…hang out, then my door's open. I-I mean not that y-you don't have anyone else to hang with, b-but" Shinji was stumbling over his words.

Rei offered a Mona Lisa smile. "I will"

With that she left, but saw Asuka standing in the hall. Rei looked at her briefly and closed the door. Asuka was stunned. Did Rei just not bluntly call her out on something as usual? Pretending to have just gotten in, Asuka made a big show of coming home. She fretted over the state of the apartment, talked about all the things that she and Hikari did, and mocked how much more dull that Shinji was becoming from being confined to the apartment. Shinji just stood and enjoyed the routine. To him, things were coming back to normal if Asuka was still berating him as usual. Finally Asuka retired to her room.

Asuka slowly closed the door, stealing one last look at Shinji who was just about to prepare dinner. She walked slowly to the futon and wobbled on the last few steps. Collapsing onto the futon, Asuka Langley Soryu cried for the second time that day. _He…he's never played his cello for me before… _

* * *

Rei silently opened the door to her apartment and surveyed the mess. The construction workers were still at it and the 9 pm train was right on time as usual. After Rei prepared for bed, she lay down on her mattress, listening to noises outside. It was nothing compared to what she heard from Shinji. From his soul. Finally, Rei got out of bed and shut her windows to block the noise and then found a pair of ear plugs in her desk. She laid down to rest again with the ear plugs on and all noise, but the sound of Shinji's cello was resonating through her mind. _Maybe binding Shinji to me will be…more acceptable than I had first thought. _

The mantra was becoming a little quieter now. So quiet in fact that Rei could sleep peacefully for the first time in years with nothing more than the sound of strings. Of Shinji's cello. His feelings.

A/N: All righty, I think I've got some grip on a direction. It's still vague, but I reckon that my direction is akin to a really retarded compass. I'm trying to make it so that all three are growing up but not too rapidly as it's not realistic. Shinji can't all of a sudden just be self motivated to pilot. That's for later. Also, I'm not going to introduce some horrible shit that is just going to mess Shinji up until way later. I want to establish the grounding where Shinji can recover from the crap he'll soon face rather than becoming a gibbering mess like he was at the end of the series. Juggling all the characters will be difficult, so I'll include them in bite sized increments to make it easier. You'll also note that I did more slapstick. I want to find the right balance of comedy and drama, so expect a little more experimentation. Nothing too far of course. Updating will take a bit and I don't have a ton of free time, so feel free to point (or ignore) any proofing mistakes. Till my next update, good night.


	4. Envying Transsexuals

Disclaimer: I do not own NGE or Hello Kitty

* * *

Chapter 4

Envying Transsexuals

_**Inside Wal-Mart **_

_Ah, I love the smell of resentment in the morning_. Misato thought, smugly eyeing the middle aged mothers around her in the supermarket. All of which were shooting glares of jealousy and envy at the fact she was able to reap the benefits of kids (as evidenced by Misato's amusement at Asuka and Shinji's cordial argument over the nutritional value of buying more veal) and keeping a trim figure (…is an explanation really needed?)

A month after Shinji's little outing, Misato with Shinji and Asuka reluctantly in tow was out restocking their food and cleaning supplies (top ramen, alcohol, and even more alcohol). Shinji, ever the "house broken male", made sure that they also restocked on fresh produce and actual hygiene supplies (aside from the females ones). The reason that they were shopping in Wal-Mart was that one Misato was lazy and…well, that was pretty much it. She didn't want to waste time that she could've spent drinking. In the megastore, Shinji was comparing prices between two cereal brands while Asuka was glaring sullenly at all the middle aged women meandering around.

"Argh! Are we ever going to be done?" Asuka whined. "We've been at this for two hours. Why can't we just go clothes shopping now?"

"That is a wonderful idea, Asuka" Misato chirped, finally fed up with watching Shinji intercept her every attempt to buy more beer. Behind Misato, Shinji didn't even bother repressing his groan of frustration. Asuka and Misato just smirked at each other, fully satisfied in having at least one male to drag off to the million step marathon around the mall. They bought their food and the ladies were speed walking to the car in anticipation of the oodles of clothing, purses, and shoes (an ungodly amount of shoes) they were going to buy. All Shinji felt dread at the phantom pain in his arms from all the shopping bags he'll have to tote. However, Fate was smiling on Shinji that day and chose to scorn the shopping crazy women. When they got to the car…

* * *

_**In the Angelic Food's parking lot**_

Misato was not a happy camper. This was worse than the time she ran out of booze that one fateful day. To this day PenPen always shudders when he hears the Ice Cream Man song. What was the reason for her foul mood? Her beloved Renault was dead in the water.

"Maybe we should just get a tow truck and get it to a mechanic?" Shinji suggested.

"No!" Misato was under the little car's hood, trying to revive the beloved automobile.

"I will not be defeated!"

"Misato" Asuka whined. "We're burning prime shopping hours here. We can just take the bus and get a tow like the idiot said."

Misato looked at Asuka disbelievingly. Leave her precious with some burly stranger with a ridiculous walrus moustache? Sensing Misato's dilemma, Shinji, eager to get away from the mall, said, "Maybe I can hang around with the tow and mechanic? That way you and Asuka can go shopping."

Asuka was in agreement, but Misato was still unsure. "You sure you can handle it?"

Shinji knew that Misato was just concerned about him, but annoyed him nonetheless when she thought that he was as fragile enough to need help looking after a car. "Misato…I can handle it. Just go enjoy yourself."

"Now you're making me feel like the child here." Misato said teasingly, but inside she was a little sad that Shinji had to be so mature at his age. She was loath to admit, but when Shinji was still so insecure and unstable in the beginning, it assured Misato that Shinji was still a kid and just as screwed up as she was. _He's still insecure, but only as far as a kid his age usually is. It's almost unfair that he can stand up and handle the fate of the world with his problems, while I can barely de-…am I jealous? Kid's got the same father issues that I had, but he seems to be handling them well and I had even less troubles at that age and I went mute and then bitched like no tomorrow. Those kids got it tougher than I had and they haven't broken down yet… _ Suppressing the sudden feeling of self-disgust, Misato forced a smile. "All right. You wait here. When they ask for payment, tell them to forward it to NERV, okay?"

Shinji nodded, oblivious to Misato's inner turmoil. He pulled out his cell phone and called for a reliable tow company and auto-shop. Seeing Misato's surprised look at his efficiency, he said, "Don't worry, I've got it."

Over the last month, Shinji has felt…lighter. Looser. Sure there was still the sense of impending danger from the Angels, but now it felt like he could handle it a little better. He was still scared as hell of EVA and of going out into the field to fight a monstrous unknown entity sent from "God." Ever since he tried to reach out just once for some contact and recognition and finally being rewarded, Shinji felt a little more self assured. Asuka noticed it when he stopped listening to his SDAT as often as he did. He still listened to it often, but occasionally he tried to talk to her and was promptly shot down the first couple of times. However, Asuka eventually tired of ignoring Shinji. Tired of ignoring her desire for some sort of camaraderie with somebody like her for some pride…but pride is the only thing that her mama bequeathed to her. The only thing she had remaining of her true mother who thought to only bring light to her child's world…How cruel of her really. For a mother to abandon a child with little more than the most lingering of feelings. _He…he tried to connect before…and I let him in through the tiniest crack…and I shoved him out again and welded the hole shut._

* * *

_**Cue Flashback!**_

Asuka was bellowing at the drama she was watching.

"Scheisse! What the hell!? Doesn't Keiichi have a spine? Just grab her and kiss her!"

Shinji walked into the room and looked at Asuka questioningly. He'd grown used to her jibes to the television, but it was always surreal to see Asuka so caught up in a contrived, overdramatic love story. To Shinji, Asuka seemed like a no-nonsense, grounded kind of person. And yet here she was caught up in an unrealistic romantic fantasy. It was reassuring in a way. Asuka wasn't just some rough and tumble Valkyrie ready to do or die at the drop of a hat. She was also a young girl who very much liked a bit of glamour and mystique. Despite himself, Shinji smiled gently.

These days Asuka was always fully aware of whenever Shinji entered a room and this was no exception. Lately, Asuka often caught herself observing Shinji and more often than not she wanted to talk to him. About anything. Anything that would let her connect to him. To just let her know that same kind of moment he shared with Rei where they both looked so content and together. So she wouldn't be so alone. _Just talk to him!_ She chided herself. _You want to know him. He's changed and you know it! He's actually trying to understand you and has even tried to talk to you. He's even stopped listening to that stupid, outdated SDAT for more chances to be able to talk to you! Of course he always weakens on execution, but at least it's better than when he kept avoiding eye contact those first few months. I should take some pity on him. Talk to him!_

However, another part of her was in disagreement. _He stopped listening to his music all the time because he's probably gotten bored of it. Like he'll become bored of you…and leave you, just like mama and papa. _

Asuka shook her head as if it would convince the little voice of doubt. _Shinji? Leave me?...I guess it could be possible…Who am I kidding, it's probable….But Shinji is like me. He wants contact. Some assurance that he matters and that I, I-I mean the dork is loved. _

The insidious little voice was back. _And he's found it in Wonder girl. You saw how close they were before and how they synchronized so well in the synch training. Why would he want to connect with you when he has someone else? I was wrong. He won't leave you. That implies that you were together to begin with. You're alone. _

Asuka shivered and hugged herself to try and comfort herself. No good. _M-maybe I am, but I don't want to be anymore. Kaji's been so distant lately, Misato has been so preoccupied with work, and as good a friend Hikari is, she's still got her own family to look after…Shinji's the only one who's been trying to get close. I call him the coward, but I…I'm just as guilty. I remember when I first met him. He wasn't boring…he was scared. I hated him for that. I hated that he could allow himself to fear. And now…now, I can tell he's still scared, but he's actually been trying to reach out. To make some relationship and not be afraid, despite being afraid of being hurt. Unlike me. I…I…I am scared. _

A quiet, but more optimistic voice suggested something that shook Asuka. _Make a connection with Shinji. If you're so proud, then look at it like this: he's the only option at the moment. He needs you and if you're so clearly superior then you should take pity on him and connect. It won't hurt that it'll help with your own isolation. _

"Baka!" Asuka barked, internally wincing at her tones as Shinji jumped in surprise from his position in the kitchen. _Maybe I should just dial down on greetings. Shinji may be slowly growing a spine, but he's still too damn timid for his own sake. _Then she cleared her throat and said more softly, "Shinji?"

"Y-yes, Asuka?" Shinji asked, nervous at what fresh hell was awaiting him.

"W-why d-don't-" Asuka stammered. Shinji blinked, bewildered at Asuka's shy behavior. It took a lot to unnerve Asuka, but here it was. Just a boy she thought to be duller than dishwater and more perverted than all the boys at the school combined. _What am I doing? I'm Asuka Langley Soryu, the number one pilot and the hottest girl of Tokyo 3 High!_ With those encouraging thoughts, she gracefully huffed, "Just sit down and watch with me, would you?"

Not the most polite attempt to bond with her fellow pilot, but at least it was something. Shinji understood (and, god help him, enjoyed) the sentiment and decided to sit down.

"S-so, what's the show about?" Shinji asked innocently, but was on guard. Asuka was a little more open than Shinji remembered. To anybody normal, that would've been a good sign and it was, but Shinji was far from normal. Due to years of isolation, his hedgehog's complex was deeply ingrained. For the most part, the young introvert recovered enough to at least attempt to get out of his self-imposed isolation and end his constant cycle of fear and by extension, self loathing (as far as Shinji can stop hating himself anyways). However, the suspicion left over was strong enough to make him wary of any unusual activities.

Asuka brightened up at his question, relishing the opportunity to explain something that she knew and the other person didn't have a clue to. The plot sounded like something a half way decent author had pulled out of his ass, but Asuka was describing with such detail and enthusiasm that Shinji couldn't help but feel enthralled. _She looks so innocent that she,_ Shinji blushed at this thought. _She looks prettier than she usually does. I know she can be…well, bitchy for lack of a better word, but I feel almost…safe around her. And she knows me a little. She also lost her parents in the same way I have. EVA. Mother died because of it and father…that was the cruelest thing of all that EVA did. Maybe she's another person I can connect with…and not get hurt._

Prattling on about the drama, Asuka was caught up in the romance until she saw Shinji's gentle smile. The very same smile that he shared with Rei in that moment she was so jealous of. _This. This is the moment I wanted to share in. And I'm so…content. Is this how Ayanami felt when he played his cello for her? For now, I'm not alone…_Struck by the sudden openness she was experiencing, her pride kicked back into place. _Of c-course,_ _Shinji's a good substitute for now until I can find a real man. After all, he's hardly worthy of the best EVA pilot, not like Kaji…yes…that's it. He…is…just…a substitute. _Asuka mentally repeated this to herself over and over, attempting to impress it into her stubborn mind. However, a small and growing part of her wasn't convinced.

Shinji was confused. Asuka smiled back at him when he did. He was caught in the sheer joy behind Asuka's smile. Almost as if it was waiting for something as simple as a cheesy plot summary to show it's hidden brilliance to the world…or to the right person. _Almost like Rei' smile. It's just as restrained near the end, but full of so much emotion that Rei or Asuka themselves seem surprised at its intensity._ However, to Shinji's surprise Asuka abruptly stopped smiling and Shinji was taken aback at the sudden change in mood until he heard her. She was just talking to herself under her breath, not realizing that he could hear, but it destroyed him nonetheless.

"Just a substitute." She murmured quietly. His eyes widened in shock and disappointment. Shinji looked away from her, hurt at her unintentionally cruel words. _Who am I kidding? I can't be all that important to her. Or anyone for that matter._

Asuka glanced up and saw Shinji's hurt expression right before he turned away. _Did he hear?...Good, he needs to learn his place here. Not the real thing. He's not…he can't be…_ Asuka tried to convince herself of this, but in her heart all she felt was the sickening sensation of guilt and self reproach.

_**End Flashback…**_

* * *

Just as Asuka and Misato were going to depart for the bus station, Asuka gave Shinji one last look. _He's changed. He's still the same insecure, wimpy, perverted idiot that he was before, but…less so. He even talks a little more and walks a little straighter than before…what brought this change? Was it just drinking? I doubt it, otherwise Misato would end up the most stable and fastidious person that we know. I know it has something to do with that bar. I have to know…_

Shinji watched the people passing by in the parking lot and couldn't help but feel a little sad at how closed off everybody was. _I guess that it's natural for people to shut up to themselves when they're afraid. But what are they afraid of? I know what I'm afraid of, but…I don't know, I think I'm more…comfortable. Not with the Angels or how bad things are with my father, but with the fear itself. Maybe they just haven't realized that you might not get hurt…I can't believe of all people I'm the one saying this. _Shinji marveled at how much he changed for the past month. He hadn't changed much, but it was a step up over the depressed, lonely little boy he once was. With his initial experience with alcohol being the catalyst, his isolation allowed him to think over things. Normally isolation just made him even more depressed, but now it made him almost contemplative. He came to the conclusion that in order to really be happy and make any sort of connection, he would have to reach. However, Shinji was still tentative in attempting it. Despite his best efforts, Shinji could always hear that voice of doubt and that tremble of fear of getting hurt for daring to not hate. Daring to be happy and thinking that a silly mama's boy would be worthy of it. Shinji sighed and shook his head to clear it of such moribund thoughts. He looked up from and his shoes and saw…_Is that the tow truck...and Hello Kitty?_

Shinji couldn't help, but stare openmouthed at the gaudy decorations on the truck. It was rather clever, but it screamed that the owner of the company was just a little cracked. It was neon pink with intricate designs featuring the infamous feline and all her animal friends. _Wow, when I asked the operator for a reliable garage, I thought it was suspicious. When he called it 'purr-fect' I thought that he was just some creep trying to hit on me. The evil chuckle he gave afterwards might have been a dead giveaway. Maybe 2__nd__ impact and the possibility of an apocalypse has been affecting people more than I had thought…_

What surprised Shinji even more was the burly, tough-looking mountain of a man that came out of the truck who didn't even blink an eye at Shinji's reaction or to the truck's design. The Mountain, as Shinji dubbed him, was a tall, ursine man in grease covered overalls. His hair was unkempt and straggly wrapped in a thick ponytail, revealing a cragged face with oddly feminine eyes.

"This Misato Katsuragi's ride?" asked the Mountain, looking through the papers on his clipboard.

"Uh, yeah." As Shinji averted his eyes to avoid directly seeing the pink monstrosity, he faced the Mountain.

"Well, come on." The Mountain gestured to the truck's side seat. Shinji got in as the Mountain put the hook in. The interior wasn't much better than the exterior. Shinji's eyes almost rolled back in fear of the gaudy décor. Soon, they were off to the mechanic. Nervously looking for a conversation piece, Shinji fidgeted in his (shag carpet) seat. _How the hell can I not talk about the Hello Kitty?_

"Wondering?" The Mountain said laconically. Shinji blinked in surprise and nodded quickly. "Mind if you're in for a long story, kid?"

_Well, I'm not doing much right now and it might let me take my mind off of Asuka and all that. _Shinji ruminated. "Sure."

"Okay…you sure? It's one hell of a long sob story…all right." The Mountain belched and scratched his gut before starting, but seemed to emanate the tiniest sliver of anxiety. And it was a start that Shinji never expected.

"Let me first start out by saying that I was once a woman." The Mountain rumbled. Seeing Shinji stare goggle eyed at him, he continued. "Yeah. Really. Before second impact, not that you'd remember at your age, I was a real beauty. I was in all these dramas and magazine covers. Even had a singing career. A top model with nothing, but heroin and fluff littering my empty little noggin. But like all shallow, pretty bitches, I was unhappy. I didn't know what I was doing or why."

Shinji was still doing his impression of a squirrel, but the words that did register with Shinji seemed so surreal to him. Why would this man reveal such an intimate secret? Or was it that the Mountain's life was so irrelevant to himself that it didn't matter if he told a scared child a secret? Or was Shinji the irrelevant one? Shinji was inclined to believe the last one, but continued to listen, captured by the coming tragedy he was sensing.

"I had a boyfriend back in those days. He was always harping about how I wasn't there. Not sexually, but spiritually and mentally. The drugs didn't help obviously, but he was…special. He stuck by me even when I always cheated on him with strange men and women alike or went out clubbing and getting my fix every night. He-" The unknown man's breath hitched at this, but continued as if confessing his sins to an innocent boy would absolve him. "He always stood there to clean the vomit from my clothes or make sure that no two bit director would treat me with disrespect. To this day, I don't know why he didn't just leave. I gave him every reason to. I treated him like dirt…yet he always came back. It wasn't money. He didn't care about it. He was a leading businessman in the Sanrio Corporation. Mostly because he loved the Hello Kitty anime when he was a child. Said it was something special that brought joy to people…and in time I came to see it too. Also, he loved mechanics. Claimed that transportation was something that all people needed to get to happiness and that those attempting to fix their ability to do so were noble." He bemusedly chuckled and paused in reflection before continuing. "I wasn't arm candy either. He didn't care much about status and if he did, he could've found better off the street. I spread legs for anybody back then and he knew it, but he was still there…I think the idiot loved me…Too bad I realized it too late.

"2nd impact…I don't know whether to curse or thank God for it. With it, I came to my senses, but also…I lost the one man I only loved…After 2nd impact, relocation centers were set up all over Japan. Because of the centers, crime skyrocketed due to the limited supplies and sheer grief from the catastrophe. The idiot had connections to the government, so we were allowed to maintain our lifestyles…It was one of the few nights that we ever went out on a date and I was sober. It was a fantastic evening." The Mountain gushed, showing a hint of the woman trapped within.

"We just dined at the Truffle and walked through the park. It was so beautiful…until we were about to leave. A group of thugs from a nearby center came to us. Demanded our money and…a turn with me for each of them. I was terrified and he looked like he was about to go along with but I couldn't blame him. I couldn't whine to him about being unfaithful. For once, the thought 'I deserve this' crossed my mind. 'All right.' He said. 'Have your way with her, just don't hurt me.' At that point, I finally realized that I really loved him and felt regret for all that I did to him. Funny that all it took was for him to destroy me, so that I could realize it. I didn't care anymore if they wanted to rape me. All that registered was that he left and I was alone. They advanced and I just waited for my divine punishment, thinking that God was finally paying me back…and all of a sudden, the big idiot came back with a piece of broken glass and told me to run. H-he must've broken a window to get it because his hands were all bloody when he came back. Such a-an idiot" It was here that the man, now looking exhausted and bitterly amused, chuckled grimly. "I was so happy and scared that I did what he told me for once. The one and only time I listen to him was the worst possible time for me to have, but I listened. I got an officer to come with me to help, but it was too late. The gang left and he was on the ground. I held him as he died. He couldn't speak, but just smiled at me.

"I was never the same after that. Whenever I looked into a mirror, I saw a horrible shrew that abandoned and betrayed whomever she loved. My beauty was a lie…so I decided to repent. I would give it up and all that I was so proud of…for him. I changed my sex and gave up my career to become a mechanic, so that I could help people get to their destination sooner…I managed to convince the manager to let me decorate the truck like this. For him. A beacon of joy that comes to get people running again…so that they can go find happiness…" He broke off and stared intently at the road. For some reason, he felt better talking to the kid. The Mountain had kept it inside for years, desperate for any sort of release of the grief he held inside. _I'd like to think I've earned a little peace through towing people to safe harbors. I'm not happy…but it's more bearable…_

Shinji could only stare in disbelief. He wasn't disgusted by the man's confession, but rather in awe. By all rights, this man was once a selfish piece of shit and yet, he of all people reformed. He stared pensively out the window, lost in his thoughts. _I wonder if I could turn like that. N-not switch genders or anything, but be willing to take such radical steps to make up for a mistake and change myself for the better. I don't know if I could or would. I've made so many mistakes so far and I'm so pathetic for being so unsure…I think I envy the transsexual…never thought I'd ever say those words before…_

* * *

_**Kawahara's Auto-Shop**_

Luckily for Shinji, the garage was stripped of any feline related memorabilia and just looked like a typical auto shop. The tow jockey left to pick up another car, leaving Shinji to look over the people working in the shop. Not many to watch. There was just the manager who was currently negotiating with someone on the phone and two mechanics working on the Renault. One was only about 19, gangly, pockmarked, and looked as though he didn't want to be there. The other was middle aged and looked as though he didn't want the youth to help in the first place. Shinji continued to sit from his creaky plastic chair and observe the people until…

"I've got to go, boss. I've got homework to do" The gangly youth lied apathetically. In reality, he wanted to score some drugs before the cops did their regular patrol in the neighborhood he bought them in.

"Hrm. You're fired." The man grunted from under the car. Both the youth and Shinji were surprised at the abruptness of the termination.

"Wh-what!? Why, Mr. Kawahara?" demanded the youth.

"You're lazy, you miss work every day, you're a pathetic little shit junkie, and quite frankly you're the stupidest little bastard I've ever had the misfortune to work with," deadpanned the man succinctly.

The youth's hands opened and clenched as if he wanted to hit him, but instead of attacking the old man, the ex-employee huffed and looked sulky. At heart, he really was a coward. He left in a fury and punched the garage door as he walked out. Shinji kept his eyes trained on the old man though. He was fascinated at how decisive the man was. _He's a little like father…_

"Sorry you had to see that. The car will be ready in half an hour."

Shinji was surprised at how quickly the job was being done. "Th-thanks…um, do you need any help?"

The man stopped working and rolled out from under the car to look at Shinji with an indecipherable expression. "You think I'm going to break bones or something? I'm not that old, squirt."

"What? No. I j-just thought that you might want some help since your assistant just walked out."

Kawahara gave Shinji a long, searching look. To be honest, Shinji felt like he was under an electron microscope, being seeing down to the very last atom and fiber of his soul.

At last, the grizzled old mechanic looked back to car and tacitly demanded, "…Hand me the Phillips head there."

For the next half hour, Shinji helped the old man with the car. It felt good to work on something using nothing more than a simple tool set and his hands. No high tech, ominous robots. No creepy (yet hot) blonde scientist looking over his shoulder. Just simple work unfettered with the normal complications. Grinning, Shinji handed the man the next tool he asked for.

"So…you want a job?"

"What?"

"Well, I just lost an assistant and you don't look like a complete slacker or idiot." The man gruffly said.

"I-I don't know anything about fixing cars."

"Neither did the idiot I just fired, but if someone like him could learn, then…"

Shinji didn't know what to say. It was the first time that anybody thought he was competent at anything. Sure, Misato complimented him on his piloting, but it was EVA; something that he didn't want to be associated with to begin with. Also, he always got the impression that while he knew Misato cared about him, she was just saying it to make sure that he was mentally stable and confident enough to get up and do it all over again. She was the Tactical commander after all. However, despite being a stranger, it actually meant something to Shinji coming from the taciturn man. Maybe it was the fact that he was a stranger and seemed to honestly not care about his status. Or was it that he resembled his father a little and in a way this was fulfilling the void in Shinji's life? Shinji would never acknowledge the latter, but it was always there hidden under the surface.

"Why me? Couldn't you just put an ad out for more competent people?"

"Well, for one, you seem like a good kid. I worked as an officer in the force during the aftermath of 2nd impact. I learned how to tell the good kids from the scum. I need someone young and anybody who would apply for this job is just looking for easy work, so not much selection there…also, you're a pilot. That'll boost customers."

Shinji was surprised and looked down, disheartened at Kawahara's words. _How did he know? Is that all he wants me for? EVA?_

Sensing the kid's reaction, the man said "I don't do favors for stars. Don't whore myself out like that. Saw enough rich assholes out there that cavorted around, waist deep in their promiscuity and depravity while the rest of the world sank into murder and chaos." Kawahara let out a dark snarl at these words, bitter at terrible memories long past in his career as an officer. "The fame it'll bring to this dump is just a bonus. Now you gonna take the deal or not?"

For some reason, Shinji was drawn to the taciturn curmudgeon. He reminded him of his father. The same decisiveness and rough edges, but the old man lacked the streak of cold ruthlessness and the man had a paranoid, wary attitude that his father didn't have. However, they both seemed to hold the same level of brilliance, but were as different as night and day in displaying it. His father showed it cold, clear, and eloquent analysis while this unknown mechanic showed it with blunt, terse, and insightful phrases. Maybe if he understood this man, he might be able to understand father.

"I'll take it."

* * *

_**Misato's Apartment**_

"What did you just say, Shin-chan?" Misato asked slowly, trying to digest his statement.

"I said that I'm getting an after school job at an auto-shop." Shinji repeated for what felt like the thousandth time.

Misato had only one question. "Why?"

"Isn't it normal for any kid to want to get an afterschool job?"

"You aren't normal," said Misato bluntly. "You're one of three teenage pilots of the most powerful weapons on the face of the earth. Weapons thought only to be possible in science fiction and enough to make any leading nation quake in its boots at the mere whisper of them. Also, you never spend your pay, so I doubt you need the job for money. So don't give me that. Tell me why."

It wasn't that Misato didn't want Shinji to get a job, but she was just cautious. She didn't want Shinji to be taken advantage of.

Shinji paused before replying, "…I just want to do something normal. As you said before, I'm far from normal, but…I want to be. I _need_ to be."

Asuka spoke up for the first time since hearing Shinji's declaration of his new profession.

"A dork like you working on a masculine profession? I find that hard to believe. This Kawahara guy must be crazy! Why would this guy hire an idiot like you? Do you even know the first thing about cars or even what a car is for that matter?"

"I can learn." Shinji spoke in a steady and strong voice, unwavering despite Misato and Asuka's unrelenting gazes. _Learn to understand father a little. And…to not be some timid child. I feel that I need to grow up…if I want to survive and be happy. I think…I actually want to be like my father in some ways. Not in the way he leaves other people, like he did with me…and mother. He left mother behind to lead NERV by burning every picture…I'm not sure I could do something that drastic, but I want to be able to say something…and stand by it. To not just chant empty phrases…_

Misato and Asuka exchanged surprised glances; an event happening with greater frequency regarding Shinji. Was their little boy growing up to be a confident young man?

"I think." Shinji muttered under his breath quickly after.

_Guess not, _Both ladies thought. Misato was a little relieved to be honest. She was worried that Shinji might be changing a little too fast for her to keep up with. However, Asuka was disappointed. For what reason, the redhead didn't know, but she pushed it out of her mind nonetheless. _No need for me to feel bad over some stupid man. Boy…Yes, that's all he is._

"All right. You can have this job, Shinji, but if there's a hint of trouble like you getting hurt or the boss being some weirdo pedophile, I'm pulling you out. Got that?" Misato's tone of voice brooked no argument, but Shinji couldn't resist snorting at the thought of Kawahara being a pedophile. The man was too stern for something like that and if anything Shinji's impression of him was that the old man was too stern and irritable to be attracted to anybody.

Shinji was relieved, but with Asuka still in mind, he turned to look at her place on the couch. Surprisingly, instead of the expected outburst, Asuka looked decidedly neutral. Her face and body language were indecipherable. Without any warning, Asuka got out of her seat and headed to her room. Shinji was bewildered. Why was Asuka so off today? Was it because of Shinji's new job? If so, why would she be bothered by that?

However, for Misato the issue was a great deal clearer. She could relate the same way except her experience was about Kaji when he decided to sign up to become an intelligence officer in Japan. That same dread that strum in her stomach and the hope that he wouldn't come back a different person. Shinji was already in a dangerous occupation, but Misato knew that Asuka was afraid of losing him.

* * *

_**Two Flashbacks!?**_

"Wh-what are you saying?" Misato whimpered. It wasn't often that the flamboyant college student felt vulnerable, but this rattled her armor almost as badly as her father's death.

Kaji Ryoji looked away from the weeping woman to his drink as if it offered any better ways to break the news. "I…have signed up to become an officer…for the Ministry of Interior. I have to report to Hokkaido for training in three days."

"S-so, you're leaving me? Y-you bastard!"

Kaji wasn't surprised at Misato's outburst, but others in the bar were. Kaji shot them a look and they got the hint.

"It's not like that. It's just-" Kaji began.

"Bullshit! You just don't want to be around me anymore. You've already soiled the hot chick with daddy issues. Now to move onto plowing other needy women. I'm just damaged goods now. You know you were right all along, you can't love anybody. I was wrong. You never cared anything about me. All you care about is just getting laid. Well, you know what? Fuck you!"

Kaji looked outraged when Misato claimed that he never cared about her. Of course, he loved her, but…he just couldn't admit it. Not to himself, much less to the woman that he loved. _She deserves better…Maybe, I should just…leave it. She'll be happier for it…I don't deserve someone like her. Not after what I've done. Especially not after what I will do if I'm guessing right at the recruiter's intentions. Just leave it…so she can move on with her life. Away from her father and all those that reminds her of him. Away from what causes her the most pain._

Not bothering to dispute her claim, Kaji stood up, paid the bill, and quietly walked out of the raucous bar. And out of Misato Katsuragi's life.

Tears stained the top of the dark drink. Salty expressions of grief soiling and mixing with the odious libation that she clung so desperately to as though it could replace the warm touch she longed for. After realizing that she was drawn to him because he reminded her of her father, she was both repelled and further drawn. _I can't believe it…I'm afraid of losing him…I'm such an idiot._

With those last thoughts, Misato broke down crying on the bar counter, not caring about who would see, mourning the loss of another man in her life.

_**End Flashback…**_

* * *

As Shinji lied down to sleep, Asuka was still up and watching TV despite it being a school night. She was staring intently at the screen, but wasn't paying any attention to what was playing. Misato let her keep this way because she knew that Asuka was going through the same fear of loss that she herself experienced in that dank bar those years ago.

Asuka sniffed and tugged at her blankets on the couch. _Why? Is that idiot trying to prove that he's manlier now? If so, he's got another thing coming. He'll probably just kill himself handling a tire, much less a whole car. He doesn't even need the money! Our pilot's salary is more than enough to sustain for the rest of our lives! Oh no~o, he has to be 'normal.' What's so great about being normal!? You'll never catch me being normal, that's for sure. Mama wouldn't allow me to!_

The young girl clenched her teeth in determination. She quickly changed to another channel. A drama was on. _Heh, look at all those dull people out there and compare them to any character on TV or in books. People on television aren't real, but they're so much better than the average jerks out there. They're not perfect, but they're not boring. Boring like all the normals. Let Shinji lead his stupid, average life. _

Once again the voice of quiet optimism threw in its two cents. _Are you sure? We do need him for piloting._

Asuka shot back. _Let him leave. All we need is me. I am the best pilot after all._

A retort. _Oh? Then why do you feel so uneasy? You know that if he leaves for a normal life…you won't be there. Ever. Not with your ambitions. Not with your pride. _

Asuka licked her lips in nervousness. _So? I don't need him. He's just a substitute. A plaything to keep me company. With my talent and pride, I deserve a lot more than him. A real man. Not this pathetic loser with any more ambition than to just live a dull life. _

_But do you want any more? _Asked the voice. _You might deserve more, but do you want more than Shinji? He's the substitute, but he's your substitute. Are you willing to abandon him…like your mother did you? If he starts having his normal life now by going to work a 'mundane' job at a 'dull' garage…that means you'll stop being part of it. After all, you're too good for that. Where Shinji's going, you can't follow. And right now, you don't have a 'real man.' So what are you going to do when he's gone? He may be a substitute, but he's there for you and who else are you going to turn to?_

Asuka didn't have an answer. She curled up into a ball and held herself, trying to dam the torrent of emotion coursing through her. However, rather ironically, the very same pride that spurred her away from him that was inspiring her at this very moment to take action. _What am I doing? Shinji may be a stooge, but at least he's better than a normal life. I also have use for him at this moment. The moment I find a real man or get Kaji, I'll cut my bond with him, but I'll make sure that he's not going to be stuck as some stupid mechanic. He should be grateful that someone as great as me is looking after him! I'll make sure that he doesn't stay with that job. His place is right beside me! I-I mean at NERV! Beside me at NERV._

Unwilling to admit that she was the one who wanted him to stay; Asuka fell asleep on the couch, dreamily plotting all the things she'd do to make sure that their connection wouldn't break. So she wouldn't be alone again.

* * *

A/N: I can't update for too much so don't expect something like a chapter every three days. I would give frequency to about a chapter every week to a month. Right at the moment in the story, Shinji's going to go through an introspective journey from his exposure to Kawahara. Kawahara is someone I don't intend to be a central figure, but rather a masculine influence in Shinji's life. Let's face it the kid doesn't have many male role models to consult. Kawahara will provide a sort of sense of morality in Shinji, but I repeat that he won't be central. This is a coming of age story for Shinji after all. Rei hasn't appeared yet, but calm down. She'll play a role in the coming chapters. I won't give too much away. (Who loves spoilers anyways?) But I will say that it will get pretty tight from here on out. Don't worry though, there will be some comedy. Till I update again, Good Night.


	5. Eleanor Rigby Hurts Like A Bitch

Disclaimer: I do not have any of the rights to NGE or the Beatles

* * *

Chapter 5

Eleanor Rigby Hurts Like a Bitch

"Dude, the glorious time is upon us now."

"Lunch?"

"Toji, is that all you think about? Your stomach?"

"Well, I also think about sports and women. Speaking of which, did you see that All Super Model's mud wrestling tournament on FOX last night? I had no idea that a woman could make it so smooth and flexible!"

"…Make what?-you know what, tell me later. This is bigger news." When Kensuke was denying the chance to talk about hot women in skimpy bikinis mud wrestling, both Toji and Shinji knew this was big news.

"Bigger than those hottie's-"

"Save it for later. I'm talking about the class trip to Okinawa!" Kensuke gushed, but he was back in the creepy mode that he used to goad Shinji into letting them into a bar. Shinji slowly inched to the door, just in case Kensuke was going to ask him to do something as crazy as last time while Toji made sure to block Shinji from Kensuke.

"And what's so special about it?" Shinji asked slowly.

Kensuke whirled around to face him, looking accusingly at Shinji as if he just mooned the Pope or declared his love for Pepsi over Coke. "What's so special!? Okinawan beaches are rife with the hottest of the hot. Veritable goddesses on every corner. And at least one in four are easy and perfectly willing."

"Kensuke…where are you getting these statistics?" Shinji asked skeptically.

"The Rising Sun Inquisitor. Why do you ask?"

"…No reason." Shinji fought to keep his face straight, while Toji didn't even try to. The Rising Sun Inquisitor was a supermarket tabloid that was infamous for their lewd (and often fictitious) news. However, it seemed that Kensuke was just naïve (and desperate) enough to believe it. Unfortunately for Kensuke as he will find out later, he didn't notice.

"I hope you guys enjoy the trip." Shinji said a little glumly.

"What? Why do you say that as if you're not coming with?" Toji looked concerned.

"I'm an EVA pilot," Shinji said. "I'm supposed to be on call at all times to make sure that the world is defended from Angels. We never know when and where they're coming from."

"Oh harsh." Toji and Kensuke winced in sympathy.

"Sorry man. I swear that I'll bring back some pictures of the babes on the beach to make up for it." Kensuke said solemnly.

Not bothering to burst the otaku's bubble, Toji said "Do you want us to bring anything back for you?"

"Nah. I'm just going to catch up on some reading and sleep." These days, Shinji was actually experiencing a boost in self confidence which did well to translate into his grades. Shinji wasn't stupid in the slightest bit, but he simply lacked the will and confidence to really use it.

"The class rep's making me stay after to help her clean." Toji groused, eager for a change in topic. "Hey, Shinji. Isn't your suspension over?"

"Yeah. It was over two weeks ago, but Misato's still going to keep a closer eye over us to make sure that we don't drink." Shinji replied.

"Eh. I don't mind much." Toji was being entirely honest. Part of him wanted to prove him to be a man by drinking, but now that he'd done it, the jock saw that it really was overhyped as a rite of passage (and a little too much of a pain to handle with considering hangovers). However, they both looked over to Kensuke, seeing as he was the one to suggest it all.

"Don't look at me to complain. Urgh. I still remember the hangover. Remember when I told you guys that I faked having male PMS?" The two nodded in remembrance. "Yeah, my dad went out and bought me tampons and Advil. He also brought a woman coworker from Nerv to talk to me. Needless to say, it was very awkward. I think my dad knew that I was out drinking, so he wanted to 'subtly' impress the consequences."

With sympathetic looks, Shinji and Toji patted Kensuke's shoulders, but then both snickered hysterically. Kensuke sulked for a moment and gave into the sheer hilarity of his predicament.

"Man, Kensuke, what'll your dad do if you decide to buy a lotto ticket?"

Kensuke's eyes widened and he froze in place inside the classroom. Shinji and Toji shared grins. Payback was a real bitch. Both of them satisfied with Kensuke's plight, they kept eating their lunch. Once again, the glory of lunchtime shone.

Happily munching on his sandwich, Shinji noticed a flash of blue. He stopped eating to look for what it was. Nothing. Supposing that he was just imagining things, Shinji turned back to his wonderful blend of rye, turkey, mustard, and cheese…and was promptly scared stiff. Rei was only a scant five inches from his face. Being the manly man that he was, Shinji proceeded to freak out, scream like a little girl, and fall back in his chair (not necessarily in that order.)

"Are you injured, Shinji?" inquired the red eyed ninja.

Extracting himself from his chair, Shinji replied, "Yeah. Nothing hurts."

"Good." Rei continued to stare at Shinji. Shinji awkwardly stared back, wondering if there was anything on his face (and that Rei looked really cute, but as usual he never voiced it.)

"Hey Casanova, you going to finish that sandwich or are you going to get a room?" Toji said so subtly.

Shinji blushed while Rei looked at Toji speculatively. To everybody's surprise, Rei asked something that nobody would've expected from the half angel. "Have you asked the class representative for a social outing yet?"

To say that Toji was shocked and embarrassed was like saying that the ocean has a little water or that China has some people. "N-no"

"Then may I suggest that you remain silent regarding affairs between Shinji and I?"

"S-sure." On the outside, Toji looked blank, but on the inside he was drowning in his own tears of sorrow at his lack of courage. Kensuke sensed this and thought _Pwned. _

Not wanting to get caught in Rei's line of fire, Kensuke slowly backed away while Toji looked for a way to get away from the newly dubbed "Blue haired Shinigami."

"Look at the time! I, uh, have a…appointment…w-with-" At this Toji looked at Kensuke for support. Kensuke caught on and came through…sort of.

"With! A house insurance speculator b-because of our um bad hearts."

Shinji knew a guy retreat from an awkward conversation with women when he saw it. He'd done them all the time whenever Misato wanted to bring up his love life. However, he was surprised at why they would run from Rei. However, Rei was not familiar with guy retreats, so she was confused at the duo's excuse. "Do you not mean health insurance? And is that not covered by the Japanese government?"

Thinking quickly on his feet (glaciers moved faster), Toji answered back, "Y-yes, it is! But sadly Kensuke is…an illegal immigrant. He's really from…Mexico! Yeah. When he first came here, he didn't know a lick of Japanese! He actually walked into the girl's locker room, thinking it was the bathroom."

_I'll get you for that._ Kensuke promised, but went along. Anything to get away from this terrible angel of social embarrassment. "Yeah, si senor. Mi nombre es Pedro! So…adios!"

With that cleverly constructed lie, the bespectacled military otaku and the lovelorn jock sprinted out the door at speeds thought only to be spurred on by the red-haired devil. Shinji and Rei stared at the dust trail behind them. _Wow. I am never going to rely on them if I have to lie to Asuka…which somehow I get the eerie feeling that I soon will have to do so…weird_

"S-so, Rei. Uh, why did you come here?"

A pause. "To talk to you."

"…About what?"

_A valid question_ thought Rei. Rei was the type to plan something to the very last detail, but here she failed. It was due to two reasons. One she had little to no concept of how to conduct social conventions. Two, she was more excited to talk to Shinji than she'd like to admit. Creating her own lie for once in her life as opposed to repeating those of others, she said, "About the misconception of free will existing."

The blue haired girl winced imperceptibly. Even Rei knew that this was not a normal conversation topic. Shinji raised an eyebrow. A rare expression of judgment on his part. There was a stretch of silence while the two looked at each other trying to gauge the other's response. At last, Shinji opened his mouth.

"Well, I've always thought that free will did exist. Assuming that there is no God and that humans are sentient in the truest sense of the word, free will does exist as there is nothing more than chaos and random elements interacting as a result of lacking a higher power. With humans as the only sentient forces out there, they are the only ones to shape the chaos into their own image. Rationally speaking, with those assumptions free will exists to an extent. However, considering the fallacy of determining God's existence or lack thereof, there are certain addendums attached to the rationale. Unless you are talking about free will in the sense that every sentient organism is purely unfettered by any and all forces other than their own volition."

Rei's eyebrows were raised and her mouth was slightly open on closer inspection. She didn't expect a full embrace of the topic nor a response so fully thought out from Shinji of all people. Neither did Shinji, but he decided that since he rarely ever spoke to Rei, then this would be a good opportunity to start especially since she was the first to approach him. As to the actual cogence of Shinji's response, that can be attributed to Shinji's isolation and the fact that his uncle was once a professor of philosophy. However, his uncle had to give up being a professor in the wake of 2nd impact. No one was willing to listen to any justifications of all the death and hardships they've encountered. He became an engineer of all things, but held a substantially large library of his texts (and a decent amount of engineering books.)

Since Shinji lived in relative seclusion, he occupied his time with reading outside of wandering the forest. It wasn't that Shinji was stupid considering his parents (a mad scientist and a domineering commander who would've made Machiavelli weep in joy), he was just shy. As a result of the constant reading and time to himself, Shinji was actually on par with any college junior majoring in philosophy. As for the engineering books he read…well, at most he could build a very crappy bridge or a Windows operating system, but at least it's something.

Rei snapped out of her trance and fired back. Needless to say, the day would've been enough to knock out Toji before you could say "I can has Reiz"

* * *

_**Several Hours Later**_

Asuka was modeling her latest (age-inappropriate) swimsuit to the impassive playboy. Kaji considered himself to be a man of some morality and quite frankly ogling a fourteen year old girl was definitely not toeing the line. He listened to her inane chatter about the girls and boys at the school, the lack of deference that she was getting despite being a pilot, and…Shinji?

"That baka actually had the gall to go drinking!" Asuka steamed.

Kaji almost dropped the shopping bag he was carrying for Asuka. Shinji? The very same Shinji that she ranted about being a pervert and a dull little boy for every second of every conversation she had about him? Kaji respected the kid for sticking with it all, but he's never thought of him as someone courageous or rebellious enough to actually go flout the age limit.

"Well, most boys his age are interested in stuff like that…girls."

"He's not most boys!" Asuka exclaimed.

"Oh? Sounds like you've taken a liking to our wayward pilot." Kaji teased, unconsciously echoing Misato's actions.

For once in Asuka's entire life, she threw a Class Shinji-just-ogled-your-panties glare at Kaji. "Not. A. Chance. In. Hell."

* * *

_**At the Same Time**_

Shinji and Kawahara were coming from a local muffler supplier. Unfortunately, the supplier's neighborhood was one of the roughest in Tokyo-3. Shinji kept looking over his shoulder for any muggers. Kawahara on the other hand didn't look disturbed in the slightest. Then again, Shinji's never seen him without his trademarked grimace in the week and a half that he's been working for him. So far, Shinji learned a substantial amount about engines (and elaborate swears that would make sailors blush.) But that didn't really register with Shinji as significantly as learning more about his new boss. Especially with the particular instance facing them at the moment.

"Give me your money, you old fucker!"

A jittery gangster was brandishing a knife, eyes focused nervously at the duo. He seemed only a few years older than Shinji. Despite being afraid, Shinji took in the youth's ragged appearance. He looked like he hadn't eaten in days. There was a thin coating of sweat around his face and his chest was heaving with the mental effort of keeping a tough appearance. Kawahara wasn't fooled.

"Didn't you hear me? Give me the fucking money!"

"I heard ya. Calm down. I'm just reaching for my wallet." Kawahara's voice sounded almost hypnotic as he slowly reached into his jumpsuit pocket. Then with speed that Shinji wouldn't have expected out of a man his age, Kawahara viciously backhanded the kid before driving his knee into his solar plexus. The would-be thief never had a chance to use the knife and dropped to his knees dry heaving, his eyes closed in hopes of blocking out the pain.

_I guess he really hasn't had anything to eat for a while if he can't even vomit._ Shinji thought. He gazed at the body desperately trying to produce some evidence that it was consuming at least the tiniest scrap of food. Shinji couldn't help but feel an immense pity for him. Then he looked at Kawahara and not for the first time, felt a little afraid around him.

Shinji was understandably nervous around the man. Instead of checking the kid for any serious injuries, he just stood there impassively staring at the gangster he just beat and was an oddly imposing figure in his jumpsuit. The man was of average height and had a compact build, but possessed an intensity that could not be denied. For more than the first time, Shinji was strongly reminded of his father. That same unfathomable drive and unstoppable rage revealed itself in both men in the smallest slivers of expression. The old man spared one last glare at the wounded teenaged gangster. And promptly walked away without as much as a backwards glance. Shinji looked at the gangbanger with pity and hesitated before leaving, quickly catching up with the man's fast stride.

"Bunch of feckless punks" Kawahara growled.

"Shouldn't we help him? He…he didn't seem bad or evil. Just troubled and desperate."

"Just as bad."

"Isn't there some middle ground?"

"No!" Kawahara spat out viciously, eyes flashing with repressed violence. However, he stopped and looked at the boy. Seeing Shinji frightened, he calmed down a little. Just another dumb kid who didn't know how the world worked. "When it comes down to it, you can never choose a gray area. Too weak. Too much compromise. Look at what compromise did to Germany in World War I and the backlash after. Look at what compromise did to the people after 2nd impact. Look at what's happening now! When we help or ignore the scum, we give in. I learned that on the streets after 2nd impact. You think that kid is a victim of the system, don't you? Maybe he is, but he made his choice once he decided to make the world even more cutthroat than it already is! He might have been innocent once, but now he is part of the problem."

"But…aren't we supposed to help others in need?"

"Humans are vicious, panicky animals when you get down to it. What matters is that you keep the corruption out more than promoting the 'inherent good.' Not much to work with the 'inherent good' to begin with. Take a good hard look around you and tell me that it isn't true." Kawahara said in a dull, flat tone. With a hard, nostalgic look, he turned around and started walking back to the shop again. Kawahara shook his head. _Dammit, the kid's not mine. Why the hell am I lecturing him?_ Another voice answered back. A voice that Kawahara thought he buried those years ago in the chaos of second impact. Compassion. _Because he reminds you of your greatest shame._

Shinji spent a few moments looking at Kawahara's back until he reluctantly followed, his thoughts churning over what the old mechanic said.

* * *

_**At Misato's apartment**_

Shinji was practically in culture shock as he sat at the kitchen counter, nursing a can of coke (yes, Shinji could drink enough to drop a full grown man and yet had to nurse a can of one of the mildest drinks in existence). For more than the first time that day, Shinji wondered who this old man was. Shinji knew he was once an officer working to keep order in the immediate post 2nd impact world, but who was he? Shinji wasn't amoral or anything but in some ways it seemed to him like morality was just a perfunctory rationale that everyone was obligated to do. All the things he was asked to do for the sake of the world at the cost of his remaining innocence and childhood. All were supposedly demanded by this faceless and unenthusiastic "morality." But this irascible old man was someone genuinely convicted. He seemed to just ooze quiet confidence and belief in whatever he does…Not like Shinji. _Misato, Kaji, and practically every adult I meet say that everybody has some good in them…but they seem to know otherwise. They constantly promote that it's always right to progress the good in everyone when they don't even fully believe in it. That gangster back there was…a victim, yes. But I'm not sure that he didn't have a choice. I've had plenty of choices, but I chose to not make the world any crueler than it already needs to be…mostly because I chose to give that choice to others… Maybe their lies…are the only way for them to cope with pain. Pain in the knowledge that we're all so weak. And I believed them. I believed them because I thought that if I believed in what they said…that father m-might…. Kawahara is so…honest, I guess is the word. He creeps the hell out of me, but I can't help but respect him…like father. I may not like Father, but I do want to get to know him and I acknowledge that he's done a lot of things for humanity. Well…maybe not humanity. He was never the altruistic type, but…I think...he's doing it for mother and I can respect that… Funny, I was so focused on the Angels and the horror they bring that I forgot about what causes the most misery in our lives…ourselves._

Asuka walked into the kitchen and looked at Shinji. She did that a lot more often. Shinji never noticed either out of disbelief that Asuka could ever be interested in him or that he was simply that oblivious.

"You look like your puppy just got kicked." Asuka commented. _Way to be sensitive, Soryu. You're right on track on getting his attention_

"Oh, um. Just thinking. It's nothing that should bother you." Shinji answered back, not wanting to burden Asuka with anything.

"Who are you to decide what should bother me? Tell me." Asuka demanded. She didn't know why she wanted to know or even why she wanted to help, but it was the overwhelming impulse guiding her. Shinji was just a stand in, but that didn't mean that Asuka couldn't try to help. It just meant she was being merciful like the great person that she was, not out of any genuine feeling on her part, right? And Poland has never ever been invaded in the entirety of history.

Not wanting to get too deep into his own thoughts at the moment, Shinji said, "I had a weird discussion with Rei."

Asuka glowered as her eyes flashed. In another girl, Asuka would have immediately recognized it as jealousy, but in herself she was only willing to admit to a dislike of Rei. She said in a tightly controlled voice, "What about?"

If Shinji looked up from his hands, he would've run out of the apartment screaming 'Mommy! The Aryan devil is going to eat me!!' Thankfully, Shinji didn't and airily replied, "Free will."

Asuka blinked in bewilderment. Since when was Shinji philosophical or Rei ever sociable?

"Free will?" Asuka asked skeptically.

"Whether it exists or not. Rei and I argued about it all through school and didn't even finish before I had to leave for work."

She always thought of him as someone who was more than a bit dreary when it came to philosophy, so hearing him debate something as old as time itself was a surprise. However, at the same time, she was curious about what stance he took. Despite living with Shinji, Asuka never really learned much about him other than the fact that he's a wimp, he cooks, and that he plays cello. Outside of that, Asuka was completely lost.

"What do you believe?" Asuka asked quietly. Shinji paused a moment before answering.

"I…think that free will is something that exists…and that it's horrible in a lot of ways."

Of all the answers Shinji could've given, this was not the one that Asuka was expecting. Pessimism just seemed out of place on a boring, ordinary boy like him. Asuka always figured that he would just take the 'normal' spiel on the greatness of free will and the triumph of the human spirit with it especially since he never seemed like the religious type.

"What? It's what lets us be us! It's what makes us distinct and real. If I didn't have it, I wouldn't be me!"

"Do you have it?" Shinji blurted.

Asuka was nonplussed and shocked. Did Shinji think that she…was fake?

"What do you mean by that?" Asuka demanded.

"I didn-" Shinji started.

"Bullshit! Tell me!" Asuka demanded once again.

Choosing his words carefully, Shinji said, "Well…You don't seem to have free will."

"I surmised that much, but what do you mean by me not having free will? I'm not a robot like Wondergirl, you know." Asuka growled through clenched teeth.

"Forget it. I was just acting stupid."

"I know you were acting stupid, but I still want to know. What. Did. You. Mean?" For reasons unknown, Asuka desperately wanted to know what Shinji meant. Now it felt like her heart was just on the verge of collapsing at his meek words, but Asuka still forged on, desperate for his opinion. Desperate for him not to think less of her…because of her pride of course…of course. What she would never tell herself is that maybe it was in the hopes of…understanding him and finding that bond she longed for. Despite Shinji being 'a replacement', Asuka still wanted to know him.

Shinji mulled over his words for a good five minutes before giving in and telling Asuka. At the same time, Asuka was becoming more and more agitated at the wait. Frantically trying to keep her body under control.

"I…I heard you talking in your sleep."

Asuka's breathing hitched and it seemed like time was slowing down. Her heart was going a mile a minute; a faint roaring was in her ears. It seemed so surreal to see Shinji be so perceptive. He heard her? What did she say? What happened to the boy who would always recoil and retreat inward from the world? But the real burning question was why she was so happy and afraid at the same time?

Seeing her response, Shinji continued, "It was during the synch training and I heard you call for your mother. I knew then…"

Shinji broke off and looked away. Asuka couldn't take it anymore and grabbed him by his collar, shaking him. On the verge of tears, she screamed, "What!? What did you know!?"

"That you were like me."

Her grip slacked as she stared openmouthed at the boy. This loser. This pervert. This…man…boy had penetrated all her hubris and veils. Seen past the arrogant, hotheaded pilot to the young, lonely girl inside. All pretensions forgotten, Asuka began trembling. Not just inside, but on the outside where she swore that she would never show a sign of weakness, least of all to the substitute. _Wait, does this mean that Shinji isn't…real? That he was still bound like me? _

Her voice uncharacteristically quavering and eyes intent on Shinji, Asuka whispered, "Doesn't that mean you're fake?"

"I think…I used to be. I used to just run away and even right now I'm fighting the urge to do so. I gave every choice I had away because I was afraid of messing it all up. If free will makes us human, then I guess I'm…not human. Not unique. Now…I don't know. I'm not making my own decisions. I'm doing it all because…" _I want to be loved. I don't want to be alone. _Shinji didn't know why he was being so candid, only that it felt good to talk to somebody.

For once Asuka didn't press the issue. She was too caught up in the unexpected connection and understanding between them. And…she envied Shinji for realizing that he wasn't making his own life. But at the same time…_What an idiot. Of course, he's making his own decisions. He chose to be here…to be with me and NERV, didn't he? He doesn't have any pride to spur him to stay. I want to do it because of…_At this point, Asuka stopped with her usual standby excuse of her pride and being the best. She refused to acknowledge the awful possibility of it being her mother, but she still didn't acknowledge her pride as motivating her anymore. However, Asuka felt closer to Shinji than she'd ever been. In a rare moment of tenderness and vulnerability, Asuka stepped closer to Shinji and embraced him. Shinji froze, but relaxed after a moment to reciprocate. Once again, Asuka had accomplished what she wanted to do. Once again she wanted to have the same feeling as Rei did with Shinji's cello. She felt content in his arms like they were the only two people in the world sharing in their pain and the injustices committed. At long bitter last, the moment ended.

"Idiot. Of course I have free will. I'm real. I am Asuka Soryu Langley." Back to her normal self again.

"O-of course." Back to his normal self again.

"But…you're real too." Maybe not quite back to normal. With those parting words, Asuka walked back to her room. Shinji was staring at his hands, lost in thought. _Do I? For so long, I've done what other people wanted that…I've never discovered what I wanted. I know I still want to be closer to father, but I also feel like I want to be able to connect to others…like Rei or Kawahara or even Asuka. Maybe, especially Asuka…But other than that, I don't know. Maybe if I find my bonds, I can know. I'll know who I am. And if I do know who I am right now, I want to change. Anything is better than right now. I'm so tired. _

* * *

_**Two hours later**_

Misato had arrived home, demanding beer and food (in exactly that order). She stopped at seeing Shinji act practically catatonic in front of the TV. Normally, this would be quite ordinary for any fourteen year old boy, but this was Shinji Ikari, one of the most unusual people in Tokyo 3, and what was worse was that the TV wasn't even on.

"What's up, Shinji?"

A pause. "…Nothing."

"You know that the TV's off right?"

"…Oh, yeah." Shinji absentmindedly reached for the remote and flicked the TV on, not caring about whatever's on. To make matters even worse, Shinji didn't even take notice of the fact that the channel was on a chick flick and worse than that was that it was Twilight. It took Shinji a full five minutes to realize what he was watching. Once he did, the poor boy yelped, turned the TV off, and threw the remote away as if it were a Hannah Montana CD. All the while, Misato was watching in diabolical amusement and silently wished that she had a camera on her. At last, Misato teased, "I never knew you had a thing for creepy, pale pretty boys."

Somewhere in SEELE headquarters, a grey haired boy sneezed.

"What!? No, that was purely by accident. I'd sooner eat your cooking," Shinji retorted.

Misato frowned at the shot about her cooking, but nothing could deter her from finding out what was bothering her little hedgehog. "What's bothering you, Shinji? Is it girl trouble?"

_How does Misato know these things?_ Frantically creating a guy retreat, Shinji stumbled over his words. "Oh look at the time. I have to…" _Save a puppy? Free the whales? Get Toji to ask Hikari out? Cook? That's it! _"cook dinner for you."

With her experience with Kaji, Misato knew a guy retreat when she heard one. She was about to shoot down his excuse when she heard a dog drowning in sorrow. Misato glanced down. It was her stomach. The purple head smiled sheepishly after realizing that she had eaten nothing over the last 12 hours. Letting the matter drop temporarily, she let him go to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

An hour later, all three were at the dinner table. Asuka was singing praises of the school to have a trip to Okinawa. She had bought a swim suit, taken scuba lessons, and throughout it all drag Kaji into it. Indeed, she was positively buoyant…until Misato shot her mood down with pinpoint accuracy.

"Sorry Asuka, you can't go on the trip."

Shinji could swear that he heard the very sound of Asuka's joy breaking and the demonic roar of her fury. Because of this, Shinji braced himself and covered his ears in anticipation.

"WHY CAN'T I GO!!??"

His ears still popped from the sudden change in air pressure. Misato simply stared back impassively. _Dammit, I knew I should've brought ear plugs when I lost to Kaji over who would tell her. _

"Because we can't have any distractions. As a pilot, you have to stay behind in order to be ready to defend the city. The Angels don't take breaks."

Asuka knew she couldn't refute her logic, but it still rankled. She also knew that she couldn't directly attack Misato since she was just doing her job. However, Shinji was just sipping his tea as if nothing could damage his calm and that more than anything annoyed Asuka.

"Dummkopf! Why aren't you fighting for us to go?" Asuka secretly wanted to hang with Shinji a little more outside of the usual places. It was a little sad to her that she had to be forced into circumstances where she could talk to Shinji.

"Well, I figured that we would have to stay anyways. Toji and Kensuke are going to bring me back some souvenirs." Shinji thought it best not to mention their ideas of souvenirs. Toji promised to have enough fun for both him and Asuka, while Kensuke…let's just say that if Kensuke was ever found out, a new record of restraining orders would be filed that same day. "Also, I planned to just catch up on some reading while they were gone. After all, we don't have school for the three days that the class will be gone."

"So you've given up already?" Asuka asked, a little disappointed at Shinji's regression.

"No." Shinji then turned back to his tea. Maybe Kawahara was starting to rub off a little with terse responses. However, Shinji finally looked back at the redhead from his drink and upon seeing her expression, was scared into elaborating. "That would imply that there was something worth fighting. We're only going to be on the beach for only a day. The rest will be travel. Exchanging a few measly hours of happiness and a whole lot of sweaty, confined time on an airplane for the continued existence of mankind is a small price to pay."

Once again, Asuka was stumped by clear cut logic and from Shinji of all people! On the other side of the table, Misato tritely sipped at her beer. It saddened her that Shinji was maturing so quickly. To Misato, one of the greatest crimes that a parent or any adult could commit was robbing a child of their innocence.

"Besides…we haven't earned it." Shinji said quietly.

At this Misato's head jerked up while Asuka stopped abruptly in mid-stride. Both simultaneously thought _What?_

"Why would you say that Shinji?" Misato always thought that of all the kids in the world, the pilots were the ones who needed a break. They constantly put their lives on the line for adults who should've done better to protect the world and their future.

The blue eyed boy hesitated before explaining, "Because…despite all the good we do, we end up doing equal amounts of harm too."

Asuka blinked, bewildered at Shinji's words. When did they harm anybody not Angel? If anything, they've probably done the most good in the world in one fell swoop, every time they've gone out to fight the Angels. "What? What sort of nonsense are you spouting now, third?

"Are you talking about Mari?" Misato had some idea of how Toji and Shinji first met.

"Yes…and others like her and those worse off." Shinji said quietly, avoiding both their eyes.

"Who's Mari?" Asuka wondered if it was like another one of her dramas where Shinji fell in love with a girl, only to have her tragically taken away by his own actions…not that Asuka cared if Shinji liked a girl.

Misato glanced at Shinji to gauge his emotional state, then replied, "Toji's sister. She was hurt in the first Angel attack."

"She…was hurt because of my mistakes. She's still struggling to make it through physical therapy to regain use of her legs." Shinji's voice trembled a little. The shame and regret was almost too much for him to handle. Asuka could sense his pain, but couldn't think of anything to comfort him. However, just when she thought of something that she hoped would cheer him a little, Shinji left the table to retreat back to his room.

"Why didn't he tell us?" _Me_

"He didn't trust us." Misato left the table, leaving Asuka alone in her chair.

_Shinji doesn't trust me? _Her little voice of doubt answered back. _Well, why should he? You've done nothing to earn it. _

* * *

Shinji closed the door behind him and leaned against it. He breathed out and fought to keep the tears from spilling. Sad to say that he was successful. _If tears cleanse the soul…then I don't deserve to be clean. People who hurt children don't deserve redemption. I'm just as bad as that gangster. I was wrong. I did make a choice once. I chose to join EVA to begin with and I made the world just a little more cruel for it. My hands are just as dirty as any murderer out there. I took life. I stole people's future by killing or crippling the bright years ahead of them. Kawahara's stories…he once told me… _

It was made worse by the fact that Shinji now gained a sense of self worth. Now there was something to defile and denigrate. There existed something to harm now. He looked at the SDAT on his nightstand and frantically reached for it, eager for a way to blot these harsh truths from his mind. Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles was playing and Shinji couldn't help but relate.

"All the lonely people, where do they come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong?" Shinji whispered softly. Tears finally spilled and Shinji hated himself for being arrogant enough to think he was worthy of tears. Of redemption.

* * *

A/N: A regression on Shinji's part there. You have to understand that Shinji's just now gotten over his spiral of self loathing and fear, but now that he's developed some confidence and self worth, he now has something to lower. To take a leap, you have to take a few steps back. The ninth angel is coming up, so hang tight. And don't be concerned about Kaworu. He won't become a romantic interest since I think Shinji really got attached to him because he was just so isolated and alone. Now that he's coming out a little, he doesn't need to be attached to him and Kawahara's influence will let Shinji to become a little more suspicious of things. Also, I want to write for clarity like Asimov, so don't be surprised if it's just laid bare for you to see at times. I'll update later since I have a lot on my plate right now. Strange to think that this story was born out of procrastination. Until then, good night.


	6. Jamba Mayhem

Oh sorry. Correction on which angel. It's the 8th. I got confused for a bit.

Disclaimer: I do not own NGE or Jamba Juice

* * *

Chapter 6

Jamba Mayhem

"I still can't believe I don't get to go to Okinawa!" Asuka ranted.

"I'll be sure to get you something from there." Hikari said, attempting to placate the infuriated girl.

"Oh, it's all right."

Hikari and Asuka were inside the airport, wandering around the shops inside until the class was ready to depart on the plane.

"Hikari, are you going to the dance after the Okinawa trip?" Asuka asked.

"W-well," The brunette pressed her fingers together. "Y-yes."

"What!? With who? That stupid jock!?" Asuka thought that Toji just wasn't worthy of such a sweet innocent girl like Hikari.

"Hey! Toji is a nice guy," Hikari defended.

"Yeah whatever," Asuka snorted in disbelief.

"What about you and Shinji?" Hikari said with a saccharine sweet smile, intending to get back for the cheap shot about the boy she loved.

"M-me and Shinji! Nothing!"

"Oh? What about that time in synch training? When he ran out to talk to you after Rei was synching with Shinji. You looked awfully close!" Hikari looked positively evil. God help Toji if this was any indication of what she would be like when they got married.

"I-I-I, oh look it's the jock!" Asuka pointed in a random direction, hoping to escape. Hikari turned to look.

"It is!"

Asuka was surprised. She was just bullshitting, but nonetheless Asuka turned to look as well. It was the jock and Shinji was with him too!

"How about we go greet them?" Asuka said, nervously looking for an out.

Hikari squealed in a very girly manner. She enthusiastically grabbed Asuka by the hand and dragged her to do so. When they got close enough in the store, they heard Shinji order.

"I want a dirty orgasm."

Asuka and Hikari stopped stock still just outside the open store door. What did he say!? And what was worse was the curvy blonde at the register gave a flirty smile and asked how big he wanted it.

"Oh, Shinji, get me a penis shooter and Kensuke's now and later" Toji said from their table.

Hikari gasped. _P-P-Penis shooter??!!_ Asuka on the other hand was not surprised. _Always thought that the jock was just a little too butch for typical male overcompensation._

"Okay. Did you get that ma'am?"

"Yes. And how big did you want yours again?"

"Surprise me."

Asuka had had enough. "What do you think you're doing, baka!!!??"

"Hey Asuka!" Shinji greeted and innocently asked, "What do you mean by that?"

"What I-what are you doing asking innocent young girls for orgasms!?" demanded Asuka.

"A-and Toji!" Hikari growled.

"What?" Toji asked, bewildered at Hikari's mood.

"I-if you really don't like girls, then you should've just told me!"

"Huh?" Toji and Shinji said unison. Kensuke was in the corner, thanking god that he didn't have any women with hidden crazy streaks (well maybe just for Hikari. Asuka was fairly upfront about her fits, but nonetheless Toji was still screwed.)

Finally the penny dropped for Shinji. "Oh! Are you talking about our drinks?"

"Drinks?" The girls chorused.

"Your drinks, sir." The girl behind the counter said.

Three innocuous white Styrofoam cups were on the counter. Each male there grabbed theirs and took a first slurp. All of them gave a collective "Ah!"

"Thanks, ma'am," Shinji said.

"Oh, don't call me ma'am," giggled the girl. "Call me Yuri-chan."

Shinji blinked. There was something weird about this girl's demeanor, but at least she gave drinks. Ignoring the unusual response, he turned back to Asuka and explained.

"This store has a secret menu of smoothies and the drinks that we just ordered are on it. Jamba Juice isn't supposed to acknowledge them officially but we managed to get the list."

_What kind of pervert would name a drink a Dirty Orgasm or Penis Shooter!?_

"Wait, why are you asking for that kind of drink?" Asuka asked, suspicious of Shinji's motives.

"Toji and Kensuke dared me to the last time we were at a Jamba Juice. And it's really good." Shinji said shyly. Looking for a way to pacify her, he hurriedly asked, "Do you want to taste my orgasm?"

Silence. Toji, Kensuke, and Hikari closely observed Asuka for any reaction. On the other hand Shinji was avoiding her gaze after realizing what he said and mentally smacking himself. _What is it with me and bad word choice!?_

"A-Asuka. I didn't mean it like-" Too late. Asuka just gave the mother of bitch slaps.

* * *

_**Two hours after the Class leaves**_

Shinji was reclining in his chair, thoroughly engrossed in his book. For some reason, he was dragged by Asuka to the pool and even more strangely Rei was there too. Shinji shook his head at the odd sight of the three gathered in one location outside of school or NERV.

"Hey Shinji!" The aforementioned boy raised his head at the familiar feminine tones. Asuka was there…in a bikini. _Huh, that looks exactly like the one I fantasized her in before…_

"What are you doing over there?"

"Reading." Shinji waved his book lightly in Asuka's direction as if to prove it.

"I can see that, but what are you doing reading, when you could be swimming?" Asuka grinned. "What are you afraid of getting in a pool with a girl as hot as me?"

Shinji bit back a sarcastic retort and instead said, "I can't swim."

Thinking that was the end of that, Shinji turned back to his book. He could not be more wrong. Asuka growled a little and got out of the pool to march up to the unsuspecting boy. Ignoring her, was he!? Oh he'll regret that. Fortunately, Rei unknowingly intervened by coming out of the pool close to Shinji before Asuka did.

Grateful for the distraction, Shinji asked, "You done swimming, Rei?"

"No. I am simply taking a break, so my respiratory and cardiovascular functions will return to normal," Rei replied stiltedly.

"I see…" Shinji really did, but thought Rei's phrasing needed a little work. "So were you looking forward to going to Okinawa?"

"No. I did not think it practical in these times."

"Guess so."

Asuka looked at the two of them in disbelief. They were getting along? Asuka has never seen Rei and Shinji interact outside of the necessary communication for NERV or school. Asuka always thought she was the only pilot to interact with Shinji in any real conversation. For some reason, Rei and Shinji getting along irked Asuka in ways that she never really (or ever will in all likelihood) acknowledged.

"Hey, Shinji! Aren't you supposed to be studying for the physics test!?" Asuka asked, hoping to stop any more association. Rei looked curiously at Asuka. _Does she wish to create a bond with Shinji? In any case, it would be a mistake. While Pilot Langley is part of NERV and the scenario, she will prove to be an impediment to Shinji. She is too volatile for Shinji. Yes…_

Rei frowned and her eyes narrowed as she saw Asuka explaining heat expansion through use of her…assets. _Yes, too volatile… _

* * *

_**An Hour Later**_

Shinji walked the familiar path to the shop and whistled "No Reply." Another Beatles tune. He heard a scuffle in the alley he just passed and hesitated. Curious, he looked in. A gang of hoodlums that looked just as ragged and starved as the gangster from the other day. They were struggling to keep a girl down. Shinji would normally have just left and called the police, praying that they would reach in time. After all, what could he do? He was just a scrawny little kid who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag. _Just a substitute that no one wanted to begin with. Especially mother. Why else would she abandon me? Father…I think I just caused him pain more than anything, but mother…she left without any regard to me or what kind of man it would turn father into. _

Shinji pulled out his phone and his finger hovered over the number until he noticed who the girl was. It was the waitress from the bar. Ran Hinamoto. From the looks on the gangster's faces, she would no doubt never be the same after this. He froze, utterly torn over what to do. _It's that girl. She looks so scared, but what can I do? I'm useless outside of EVA._

A voice that Shinji thought he never had spoke up. Courage. Oddly enough it sounded exactly like Kawahara. _I thought you wanted to change?_

_I do, but…I'm not strong. Not like Asuka or Kawahara…or Father_

To which the voice mockingly replied. _You're not? Oh gee whiz, guess that must have been some other Shinji Ikari fighting invulnerable monsters twenty stories high. _

_I…I was lucky. _Shinji weakly protested. _The real strong ones were Rei, Asuka, and all of the NERV personnel. I…just did what I was told…_

"It's called duty, kid. And you did it."Surprised at actually hearing Kawahara's rough tones,Shinji looked up to see the hallucinated old man standing over him. Shinji was unconsciously talking aloud during his internal dialogue and Kawahara caught the last bit. "Now…are you going to help take out the trash or sit there and whine?"

"I…can't fight, though."

"Can't or won't?" The curmudgeon questioned. Shinji looked shocked at the possibility of being unwilling before the old man continued. "I know that you can fight. NERV wouldn't be so irresponsible to leave you without combat training for so long in your fights."

_You'd be surprised_ thought Shinji, his mind going back to the very first EVA fight he had but outwardly he said, "Yeah, but all in the EVA. _I_ never actually did any of the fighting with my own body."

"Now's a good time to learn to. I'll handle the bulk of the idiots, but I want you to pay attention and for god's sake throw a punch or something."

"Um…are you…what I mean to say is-"

"I can handle them. I'm not that old. I can still handle a bunch of pubescent asswipes."

With those heartening words, he strode off into the alley, hands in pockets and looking as nonchalant as can be. _Seriously, was he like Rambo or something in his prime?_

Following close by, Shinji saw him already fighting with Ran watching in numb shock. Shinji had to admit that he wouldn't have believed that a man his age would've been able to fight that well or fast. Kawahara wasn't exactly poetry in motion as Shinji observed him dodging a knife while kicking and breaking the kneecap of another, but he was efficient. Brutally so. If Shinji had to describe it, Kawahara was someone obviously trained in martial arts, but not in any fancy forms. He fought with simple, quick moves that demanded immediate and harsh results. Shinji had to hold back from vomiting as he witnessed carnage that he wouldn't have thought possible to emanate from just bare hands and a simple economy of motion. As Shinji mused, he saw a stray gang member heading towards the beaten and crawling girl. Without thinking, Shinji ran to the aid of the girl, but once he got there he didn't know what to do as he stood with arms timidly raised in front of the large gangster. _Good god, this guy's built like a tank. His arms are like ten times the size of mine. What the hell was I thinking?_

Kawahara's previous words then echoed through his head _Throw a punch or something._ Shinji was inspired. (Not very creatively, but at least he was getting into it.) Remembering back to his EVA lessons, he tensed his arm muscles and let loose. It was sloppy, but then again so was the would-be rapist. It connected and the youth's head snapped to the side. _Hey, this pain in my knuckles and arm feels just the same as in the EVA. I can stand it._ _Maybe I can do this._

As if on cue, the youth's own fist crashed into Shinji's abdomen. What Shinji forgot was that while the pain was just the same, there weren't quite the same results. The EVA was a monstrous robot capable of crushing cars with its bare hand on a whim, while Shinji was a scrawny kid who spent most of his time brooding. Shinji was lean and moderately fit, but he wasn't especially strong physically. Coughing violent, Shinji sank to his knees. _Maybe I can't do this._

"Who's this? Yer boyfriend? This why you kept turnin' down all my generous offers?"

"I'm sure that every lady would love the chance to sport the same black eye every day of her life," Shinji choked out. He honestly didn't know where his smartass comment came from, but only that it felt good enough to negate some of the pain in his gut. _Jesus, it felt like a cannonball was hitting. _

His knees violently shaking and eyes bleary from the sudden loss of oxygen, Shinji unsteadily stood up. The gangster didn't take too kindly to the comment and raised his beefy fist up again…until he was slammed not so gently into the wall. As the youth slid off the wall like Jell-O, Shinji turned his head to see Kawahara, hands in his pockets once again and a nonchalant grimace still planted on his face. He had a nasty bruise on his face and a long jagged cut on his forearm, but aside from that, Kawahara looked exactly as he did coming in.

"I called the police and the hospital."

Right on cue, the police and an ambulance came. Normally they didn't have this kind of response, but once they heard that a pilot was involved with the incident, they hauled ass. Nobody wanted to screw up humanity's chances to survive the Angels. (And yet Section 2 was nowhere to be seen.) Upon arriving at the scene, the paramedics took one look at the beat up gang members and repressed their gag reflex. They'd seen a lot of things while on duty, but this was just a slaughter. Exchanging glances, the officers tried to decide who among them would talk to the man. From the looks of things, it seemed extremely unlikely that Shinji did all of it.

"Sir…"

"It was self defense." Kawahara shot the poor officer a glare, daring him to say otherwise. Wisely, the officer kept his mouth shut.

Shinji was at Ran's side and held her hand, silently trying to tell her sorry. Sorry for being so weak. Sorry for being too late. And most of all sorry for being such a selfish coward when she needed help. However, the cruelest part of it was when she struggled turned her mangled head and when she did; she offered a smile that thanked him for his heroism in her time of need.

"…You…never…did call…" The poor girl rasped with a painful smile. Shinji looked stricken, feeling more ashamed than he had in his entire life. When there was someone else to blame him other than himself, it hurt just that much deeper. A scene like this would normally be almost romantic, but to Shinji it was just another push on the dagger in his conscience.

An hour later, Ran was on her way to the hospital in the ambulance with Kawahara and Shinji looking on. They'd already given their statements, so they walked slowly back to the shop to complete a short day's worth of work. _I was so weak. _Shinji thought._ I got knocked out by only one punch and the one hit I did give didn't even give the guy a bruise! If I was just a little less cowardly, I could've saved Ran from being hurt so much. I'm so pathetic. I was so insensitive again! I completely ignored Ran…I should've been there without her being in trouble! _The voice spoke once again, but it was in encouragement. A_t least you tried. At least you were there for her at the last moment. You may not be all that tough or useful now, but you gave it a try. And Kawahara seems to know what he's doing, so if you really want to become as strong as Asuka and the rest, then…ask him._

"Mr. Kawahara." Shinji started.

"I'll instruct you in some fighting starting tomorrow. We'll spend two hours each day. Half will be in physical conditioning. The other in technique. It's going to come out of your paycheck." Kawahara anticipated that Shinji would ask. He'd seen too many cadets in the academy that had that same look in their eyes when they saw the instructor kicking ass. _Why do I care that this kid's a wimp? _Same voice of compassion replied. _You don't want him to end up like your mistake._

"Th-thank you!" Shinji enthusiastically stuttered. _Maybe…I can stand on my own feet now. I actually asked for something rather than just being forced into it! And maybe…the lessons will let me be…more decisive….decisive enough to have saved Ran…decisive enough to have prevented Mari from being hurt…_

Kawahara quietly observed Shinji for the rest of the walk. He'd lived long enough to recognize the burden that Shinji was carrying. Guilt. Regrets to haunt somebody enough to drive them to do something drastic. Shinji wasn't quite at the breaking point he'd seen other officers go to…or that he himself had gone past. However, from what he'd gathered about the kid, actively trying to look for ways to defend his own life and others was a hugely drastic change in behavior. What happened to the kid must have been something big to bring about this change. Was it the girl in the alley? The kid seemed to have known her. Or was it just the accumulation of grievances finally taking their toll on the weary pilot? Whatever the case was, Kawahara just wanted to get the kid rolling. He'd seen enough of his own mistakes born out of neglecting people to fail Shinji now.

* * *

_**Misato's Apartment**_

When Shinji got home, Misato was in a tizzy over the newly discovered Angel in a volcano. Apparently from what Shinji could surmise from Misato's babble, the Angel was still in an embryo state, so they'll be preparing the entire night for the attack…wait. _They_ were attacking _it_!?

"So be sure to catch some rest for now. Because in two hours we'll be heading to NERV to fully brief you guys. The EVAs are being prepped as we speak especially for the type of environment you're going into."

Shinji numbly nodded and obeyed, but before he headed out to bed, Misato noticed his bruises and scrapes.

"Shinji…where'd you get those wounds?" This time Misato really didn't know what Shinji was up to during the day. The discovery of the ninth angel had occupied most of her thought processes, so she never bothered checking in with Section 2 over what Shinji or Asuka was doing. And to prove Shinji's existence as the embodiment of Murphy's Law, Asuka walked in just as Misato said this. She just came back from shopping at the mall, but eventually found it too lonely while everybody was gone.

Bewildered at Misato's question, Asuka looked at Shinji. _Mein Gott! How the hell did he get so many bruises?_

"Uh…" Shinji thought he was off the hook. "Fell on a doorknob?"

Misato and Asuka raised an eyebrow skeptically. Shinji fidgeted nervously, playing with his fingers until he spilled.

"I sorta kinda…"Shinji took in a deep breath. "got into a fight."

"No… Here, I just thought that the doorknob got abusive." Misato drawled. "What was the fight over? Some matter of honor? Ooh, a girl?"

"Yes…a girl."

Asuka's breath hitched at this.

"Oh my…you fight another suitor of hers for her hand?" Misato was excited at the prospect of Shinji finally getting a little girlfriend…that she can use to tease her little ward even more.

"She was about to get raped by a group of assholes," Shinji deadpanned. "So I suppose if you count those as suitors, I guess I did fight for her hand, but for her hand to not be defiled in any way."

Misato and Asuka were taken aback. Shinji fought a gang!?

"Wait, how does a wimp like you fight off a bunch of guys!?"

"…Mr. Kawahara did it all. He told me to just stay back and watch since I didn't know how to fight."

Misato had to interject here. She read his background files and while he was once a respected officer, she couldn't believe that anybody at fifty-five could kick ass. "That old guy!?"

"Well…" Shinji felt like he had to defend Kawahara because quite honestly he thought the same of him too at first, but was proven wrong on multiple occasions. "He did make sure that they wouldn't hurt anybody anymore."

That was an understatement on Shinji's part. In truth, if Misato bothered to check the hospital logs, she'd notice that each gang member had broken legs, arms, hands, and ribs as well as muscle and ligament damage on every part of their body. Concussions and contusions were shared all around. In other words, the 'old man' beat the gangsters in finely pureed pudding.

Asuka on the other hand couldn't believe that Shinji was actually in a fist fight nor was he so chivalrous to jump into to stop an attempted rape. He was always so mild during EVA missions.

"And…he's agreed to teach me how to," Shinji said timidly.

Both Misato and Asuka stared at Shinji for a considerable length of time, but for different reasons. Misato mused, _Is Shinji becoming more altruistic? I mean I never thought of him like his father, but any normal person would just call the police and leave. _

Off in the corner, Asuka thought_ no…he can't be going away from me. He's growing so many connections that he's drifting away from me…But he's my substitute. The one who makes me…Well, let him! Might as well let him get a spine. Won't last, I'd bet!_

"Hmph! I doubt you'll be successful at it! I'd pay to see that. Someone like you trying to fight." Asuka maintained a frown, but inside she was scared. _He…has to stay at my side! He's the…substitute._ Asuka never took notice at possessive she was becoming at Shinji's loyalty or how she was hesitating more and more at referring to him as the substitute.

"Well, I think that it's good for you, Shinji. It's good to know how to defend yourself." _Especially with all those religious nuts out there, thinking that NERV is doing the devil's work for killing Angels. Seriously who thought up that name!? It brings some seriously bad karma!_ Misato continued on with the new Angel mission. "Okay, I want you all to go to sleep, while I coordinate the divisions on how to handle it."

Shinji and Asuka obeyed with little complaint, knowing that it was sound advice, considering their previous experience with exhaustion during the seventh angel. Once in his room, Shinji dropped like a stone from all the excitement of the day, but Asuka was an entirely different case.

_What am I doing? Worrying over that idiot again? I promised myself that I would just have him as just a way to keep loneliness away. _

_Oh? And why did you think that he was a good way to keep loneliness away? To have Kaji's place when you were in Germany?_ Doubt rose from its shadowy corner of Asuka's mind.

_Well…he's an idiot! He can't hurt me since all he can do is just being there! All I need is someone to just be there! No need to understand or-or care for me!...not like Kaji does_

_Does he? Kaji kept his distance all that time. He's still fixated on Misato you know?_

_So what? I'll get him in the end!_

_Really? Is that what you really believe? Or is that he was simply the first one to be there for you and you latched on because you were lonely like now and he was handsome? Maybe he was the replacement._

_What!? What kind of nonsense is that? _Asuka weakly protested.

_You know it. Maybe Kaji was the replacement in your mind, but you just hadn't found the real thing at that time._

_Kaji is not the substitute. And even if he is, it doesn't mean Shinji is the real man I need._

_Who said anything about Shinji being the man you need? _The voice answered slyly.

_I-I-I_

The voice pressed its case. _Shinji is like you. He knows your pain and he does understand you whether you like it or not. And secretly you do like it. _

_B-but does he care for me? _At this point, Asuka gave up all pretence and finally gave in. She liked 'the idiot', but she was still in a vague state of denial about it. _I-I mean as a friend._

_That's up for him to decide. And to be honest, you're batting nothing here. You've hardly shown him anything worth befriending or caring about._

Asuka gripped her pillow tighter to herself, her confident façade slipping back into place again. _Well, I'll have to make sure that he understands that I am completely worth caring about. I mean of course I am. He just doesn't know it yet. I am totally friend worthy. He should be grateful that a girl like me would want a baka like him around!_

* * *

_**At the Volcano**_

Shinji drummed his finger nervously on the controls of the cockpit. He was anxious to the point of nearly hyperventilating, but fortunately hyperventilating doesn't work very well in a pool of breathable fluid. This was how he normally felt before every Angel encounter, but this time Asuka was going it alone and he didn't like it one bit. When Shinji went alone, it felt perfectly normal because he was used to it. Hell, he was practically expendable as someone with limited will and training and the only appreciable skill he had with EVA was his synch score. Asuka on the other hand was well trained, had a high synch score, and real grit to carry out the good fight. _What can I do? I can't even…save a little girl…or help someone from being hurt…_ His mind going back to the events of the night before.

"Shinji!" His head lifted from his chest. Misato was on the view screen. "Asuka's about to be dropped into the volcano. Look lively. We have to make sure she's safe on this."

_What am I doing? I'm so pathetic, but…at the very least, I can be there…_ Feeling strong tendrils of determination gripping him, Shinji nodded and listened to Asuka's radio chatter. So far, so good…

* * *

_**Inside the Volcano**_

Asuka felt incredibly uncomfortable in her D-Type plug suit. Everything chafed and it felt like she was wearing about two hundred pounds of deadweight (and looked like it too, but she would never have said it in front of Kaji or Shinji for that matter.) Where was that Angel?

* * *

_**Back in NERV**_

Rei sat quietly in her EVA, ready to be deployed if the operation was unsuccessful and the Angel was headed towards Tokyo-3. She listened to the radio chatter of the bridge bunnies. All three of which were completely unaware they were making small chat over open channels.

"Shinji's one tough kid. I'll tell you that." Hyuga.

A hand twitched in surprise. Rei raised the radio volume higher to hear. Shinji was a lot of things, but tough?

Now Makoto was speaking. "What makes you say that? He seems kinda…wimpy to me. Nothing against him, but he looks like he could barely punch through a paper bag."

"Got it all wrong, dudes. He actually fought a gang! All for some girl!"

A new voice joined. It was Maya. "Wow! That's so romantic!"

"Not according to the reports. Shinji got knocked down instantly for defending the poor girl. The boss at his new job handled the majority of them."

"Well, the kid did try at the very least. That buys him marks in my book."

Rei looked as blank and impassive as ever, but anyone keeping an eye on her synch score would have noticed it dipping a tiny amount. _Shinji…fought? But he does not like to fight. He has proven this point on many occasions. Why would he defy it now? The bridge personnel stated that the cause was for a girl…Shinji has formed an attachment to another. This does not bode well for the scenario. _Rei's hands tightened over the controls, unaware of exactly why she was so uncomfortable at the thought of Shinji leaving for a normal life. Like Asuka, Rei didn't want that for Shinji. However, Rei believed that it was because Shinji was needed for the Commander's scenario rather than Shinji a way to stave off loneliness. Believed being the key word. _The situation demands that_ _I become more…aggressive. I must sever any bond he has other than to me…and EVA. That way, the scenario will remain safe._

In an unusual display of emotion, Rei narrowed her eyes in determination. Shinji will remain connected, whether he likes it or not...and by any means necessary.

* * *

_**Back at the Volcano**_

Asuka grinned as she lugged the cage back to the surface. Now Misato had to make good on that hot spring promise. _Who cares about Okinawa!? I'm going to a hot spring reserved all for myself! I haven't been to one since I was a child…when…_Asuka frowned. Since her mother was around and still cared for her. And what about Shinji? _He…probably doesn't even care about me. I'm just that girl who always nags him to cook her food. No reason for him to care…_

"Asuka." The girl was torn from her thoughts. It was Shinji. "Are you all right?"

"Why wouldn't I be? We're going to a hot spring after this! Forget Okinawa!"

"Oh…well, you were kinda quiet, so I…thought something was bothering you…my mistake." Shinji said apologetically.

_There are just some things you can't break Shinji out of. Wait…how did he know I was feeling bad?...Probably just too empathetic for his own good. Side effect of being a housebroken male…not out of any real feelings…_

Asuka was about to answer back when something rocked inside the cage. She looked down. The Angel was hatching!

"Misato!"

"I know! Get back to the surface as fast as you can! Leave the Angel!"

"Roger"

All of a sudden the cage burst with something almost amphibious looking came out. And it came out fast. Asuka immediately felt a trickle of trepidation. This thing could survive unbelievable pressures at this depth and move at that speed?

"All right, get ready for Shinji to throw you the knife. Not much to fight with, but at the very least you could hold him off until you get back to the surface."

Shinji ran to the mouth of the volcano to throw Asuka his progressive knife. _God, I hope she'll be able to get back._ Shinji stopped praying a long while ago and because of the Angels, he would never do so as long as he lived. If this was how God ran his kingdom. _All's right with the world, my ass!_

Asuka looked around calmly for the Angel. _Quiet the world. _Asuka whispered to herself, but then thought. _Where is that knife!?...if Shinji cared would he throw faster from some desperation to see me again...if he cared, would he jump right down here to try and save me…I can't focus on that now! _

"It's down!" Shinji yelled.

Asuka sighted the knife and grabbed it, just as the Angel reached for her. She gritted her teeth and stabbed it at the core. No dice.

"It's not working!"

At that point the Angel started raining blows on Asuka. She screamed as she attempted to retaliate, but the Angel was still in its element and it finally realized that the cords she was connected to were the only thing stopping her from certain death.

"Dammit! It's destroying the cords. This might be a one way trip for me!" Asuka trembled a little. _I'm so scared. It's been so long since I've felt this. I should be pissed. I should be angry enough to be able to fight back! But I'm so afraid of not seeing. I-I might not see anything but this monster for the last time…Oh god, I'll never see…Shinji. To finally become…friends with him. This is the end and I have so many regrets. I swore to myself that I'd never regret anything since Mama…_

Asuka briefly considered pulling the self destruct mechanism of the EVA to stop the Angel, but stopped thinking about it when she saw another figure in the magma with her. It was Shinji! Feeling relieved, Asuka smiled. _He…does care….baka._

In a sudden burst of impulse, Shinji jumped down the volcano, not uncaring if he wasn't wearing any protection. The only thing in his mind was that Asuka was in trouble. _No! I will not let Asuka go! I'm so useless, but at least I can try. At least, I've learned that much after so much time. If I don't want any regrets, I better start trying. I don't want to just 'sit there and whine.' Kawahara was right. I refuse to let Asuka become like Ran or Mari. I don't know how to stop it, but…at least I might die knowing that I wasn't useless for once. _

As Shinji descended he saw the Angel and used his descent to drop on top of the Angel. Not his best idea. The Angel immediately bucked and swam as fast as it could to repel the unwelcome intrusion. Shinji was barely holding onto consciousness as both the crushing heat and pressures of the depth and his improvised rodeo riding were quickly draining him. However, with a sudden burst of energy he rained blows on the Angel, luckily it hadn't gained full control of it's AT field since it just hatched. The Angel swam back to Asuka, but the German was still reeling from her proof that Shinji did give a damn about her.

Seeing Asuka not responding to the Angel's way back to her, Shinji racked his brains for any thoughts on how to fight the Angel. _What can I do? We can't fight it here! I'm barely any good here and Asuka's stuck in that stupid D-Type suit to do any real fighting. And to think I was worrying about physics tests just a day ago to worrying about how to kill a lava monster…wait, physics!_

"Asuka! Think physics!"

Catching his drift from the incident before, Asuka ripped her coolant cord and spread the coolant on the Angel just as he came into range. _It's dead…I may still be dead, but at least I got to see Shinji. _

However, Shinji leaped from his position on the Angel to closest wall. His main focus was on Asuka's safety. He grasped for the torn last cord and held on for dear life. Asuka looked up speechless, smiling all the while. _Maybe I can be…friends…with him. _

* * *

_**An Hour Later**_

Asuka finally got out of the plug and went to look for Shinji. He was talking to Misato, who looked especially angry at Shinji for taking such a risk, but Asuka could tell from the little grin on Misato's face that she was a little proud of him. _That pervert, bet he likes the attention. Maybe I should just let him enjoy his moment in the sun. After all he did rescue the best pilot in the business!_

Intending to thank Shinji, she walked towards him. Suddenly, Shinji collapsed. _What!?_

Asuka felt afraid for more than the first time that day, but it was a different kind. It wasn't fear for her, but the kind of fear that she felt when she saw her mother in the hospital. _No…I can't lose him! I won't!_

* * *

_**Inside Shinji's Mind**_

Kawahara and Shinji sat next to each other in Misato's Renault. Kawahara was driving quite placidly until Shinji spoke up.

"It's all my fault."

Kawahara shot Shinji a look. "Bitterness is something left to the old and tired."

"I feel old."

"Don't. When you do, they win."

"Who wins?"

"God." Kawahara said calmly.

"It's not God that makes us miserable."

"Tell that to those monsters out there."

"They didn't name them Angels because they're from God."

"No, it was a cruel twist of irony."

The two sat there in a moment of silence.

"God leaves us with so many regrets and regret is pain," Shinji whispered painfully.

"Pain is what makes us grow"

"Maybe we'd have better off just living in innocence."

"Don't ever say that!" Kawahara said firmly.

"Why? All we end up doing is suffering for all our 'growth'"

"Because it's worth it. We lose what little 'bliss' we have, but in return we get the truth."

"That the world sucks?"

"No…that life is there and for all its horror and chaos, there are things out there worth it…you don't believe me. Is there anything in your life worth living for?"

Shinji didn't answer back. He had none.

"Life is made of so many infinitesimally small moments. Yet in these tiny moments, they are all regrets, epiphanies, sorrows, tantrums, and happiness. All of these little seconds in time come together to create what we know as life. In a way, our lives are just microcosms of the universe. All those bits of time like atoms. And like the Universe, just one of these tiny atoms can change everything. Just one." Kawahara said serenely, uncharacteristically eloquent.

"So…can I find an answer?" _Do I even deserve one?_

"…Yes."

For once ever since his father left him, Shinji felt some hope in his life.

"Now better get back Shinji. I think somebody's calling for you."

* * *

"Shinji! Shinji!" Asuka sobbed hysterically. He looked so lifeless and…no! She refused to accept the worst!

"Asuka! Get back and let the paramedics work!" Misato ordered. She too was on the verge of tears.

As the paramedics started to work on Shinji, he woke up and coughed with a gasp.

"Shinji! Are you okay?" Misato asked.

"I-I think so," Shinji shakily said, but there was a stronger sense of serenity about him. He still gave an air of insecurity, but it was reduced somehow.

"Why did he collapse?" Misato demanded the medic.

"Probably just a mixture of stress and the constant pressure and heat at that depth."

Asuka ran back to Shinji.

"A-Asuka, are you all right?"

And was rewarded with a resounding slap. Feeling the sting in his cheek, he was about to ask what that was for when Asuka hugged him. "Idiot, don't ever try that kind of thing again. You're no hero, you know?"

Asuka hugged him for two reasons. She wanted to be comforted after her brush with death, but also she didn't want him to see her tears. Shinji paused and reciprocated.

* * *

_**Back in NERV**_

The bridge bunnies were praising Shinji while Rei clenched and unclenched her hands.

_No…I am failing. Shinji is now closer to Pilot Langley than me. He may leave…I cannot let that happen. F-for the scenario, of course…not for me….never for me…_

Rei sat in her pilot's chair and began to plot, never noticing the tears tracing down her cheeks amidst the LCL.

* * *

A/N: No, Shinji doesn't have some horrible disease. The kid went through a shitload of pain with the pressure and heat. So Shinji is still burdened with a sense of weakness and guilt, but so far he had been steering with no aim. Mostly because he doesn't believe he deserves or can even find one. Now because of a near death experience Shinji thinks he might be able to find a direction, but as far as thinking he deserves one…

Also, I want to thank all the reviewers on my little story so far. I really appreciate you guys. And not to sound needy or like I'm pressuring you guys, but I would really like for more reviewers to give me an idea of how I'm doing. I mean so far I've gotten thousands of hits, but only a sparse amount of reviews comparatively. Not to complain or demean the reviewers I do have, but it is a little disheartening. Not putting any pressure, but if you got an opinion on this, do share it. I would like to know how I'm doing.

I've enclosed a little crackish oneshot I've been toying around with since I came up the idea of Shinji learning fighting. Don't worry, he won't become some Gary Sue/Bruce Lee knock off, but he will know how to defend himself and maybe get a little grit. So no worries, he'll still hold a very timid and shy side. Also, Asuka and Rei may be changing a little, but it will take time before either of them start admitting that they like him. Enjoy!

Omake:

Asuka was watching TV with PenPen who was chugging a can of beer (not his first one for the evening…or ten minutes for that matter) in the corner. Glancing at the door, she grumbled to herself, "Humph, Shinji's late again. He's always getting back black and blue. Sheesh. Is that boy a glutton for punishment?"

"Wark" _Since he hangs around you all the time…_

Asuka grabbed the penguin and hugged him. "You know for a drunken crime against nature, you're pretty cute. And best of all I know that you wouldn't dare annoy me like that stupid Shinji…or I would do unspeakable things…"

PenPen sweat dropped; thanking the fact that he didn't have any vocal cords. At times like these Asuka really showed her psychotic side, but since she was cute, it came off as oddly adorable rather than creepy. Asuka sighed and was about to change the channel when she heard a knock on the door. _Who could be visiting at 9 pm?_

She got up to the door and saw some grizzled old man holding up a very woozy Shinji.

"What the?"

"Nice to meet you too." Kawahara said briskly. "The kid's got a concussion."

"Shouldn't we go to a hospital then?" Asuka asked slowly, trying to figure out who the old man was.

"Already did. It's minor. Doctor said for him to get plenty of rest tonight and tomorrow morning. Tell him to take it easy for tomorrow. He can't go to school or work." The old man's tone brooked no argument.

Asuka looked blankly at him, not even bothering to be offended at his brusque manner and completely forgot to ask for his name.

"So…you his girlfriend?"

That trite comment snapped Asuka out of her daze.

"What!? Why would you think that!?"

"Well, you're living with him aren't you?"

"I-I'm a fellow pilot!" seethed Asuka.

"Really? Didn't know that."

In truth, Kawahara did know that she was a pilot, but just wanted to get her wound up. From what he heard from Shinji, she could do with a couple jibes. Especially since in his experience, girls like Asuka tended to berate the men they liked. (By berate, Kawahara meant redirect any sexual frustration to less satisfying activities such as oh say using the excuse of boredom to kiss a certain boy.)

"Well…have fun." Kawahara turned to leave.

Asuka looked at the tipsy Shinji. _What did he mean by have fun? _Unbidden, mental images and scenarios played through her head. _Wow, Shinji looks hot in a caveman getup. Wait, I mean what the hell am I thinking? I should be thinking about Kaji in a loincloth with his lean figure, cobalt eyes, bowl cut…ah! Why am I doing this again?_

Shinji finally spoke up. "You look pretty."

"What did you say?" Asuka was absolutely caught off guard.

Shinji leaned forward tipsily and slurred (in an astonishingly suave manner strangely enough) "Just being honest. I thought girls liked honest guys?"

"Well, yes, I would say-wait, what happened to you?"

"Just some training that Mr. Kawahara promised me. I thought I was doing okay, but then I saw pretty lights. Hehehe. Pree~etty!" Shinji giggled hysterically.

_If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Shinji is drunk, but judging from all those stories he's no lightweight. _Asuka shook her head and lead him to the couch where he fell on it. She sweat dropped as he hugged the cushions and whispered sweet nothings into their nonexistent ears.

"Hey baby, do you like the way this feels? I can make it even better you know?" Shinji cooed. "Don't worry; you're the only one for me."

_I guess we'll have to order takeout then. Man, I'm kinda thankful that Shinji can't get drunk if this is how he'll get. _When Asuka reached for the phone, Shinji undressed, blissfully unaware of how Asuka would react. It was until Asuka finished ordering the pizza that she noticed Shinji. He was clad in Captain Planet boxers…and nothing else. So what did our fair European maiden do?

"Aaahhh!!!!" Asuka turned back around and covered her eyes, blushing a shade of red that only Shinji had achieved before. "Why did you take your clothes off? Where are your pants!?"

Asuka didn't ask about the shirt. She was just so shocked at the loss of pants. (Of course, she _never_ noted the results of the constant physical workouts at the garage and learning fighting. She had every reason to complain about the lack of shirt…)

"But it's hot," Shinji childishly whined.

_I'll say._ A dirty little part of Asuka's mind whispered.

"That's no excuse, pervert! Now put on your pants!" Asuka shrieked.

"I don't know where they are." Shinji slurred.

_Oh, I'm going to kill that old man!_ Asuka stomped into Shinji's room looking for clothes, all the while cursing Kawahara and promising creative forms of torture. Asuka finally found the elusive trousers and walked back out to begin the arduous task of convincing a man to put his pants back on. (The secret that only the most successful of housewives learn.)

"I don' wanna! It's so comfortable." Shinji mumbled as he fought back.

Asuka growled and saw no other option through diplomacy. She stepped back from him for a moment and then pounced. As she manhandled Shinji's weakly resisting form, she saw a figure at the door. It was Rei.

"Oh, great! What are you doing here, Wonder girl!?" Asuka grunted as she struggled to bring the pants up, which actually looked more like she was trying to take off Shinji's pants.

"I knocked several times. I thought there was trouble when I heard the noises." Rei said blandly, but her eyes were wide and her cheeks had the slightest tint of pink. "Are you 'having your way' with Shinji?"

"NO!" Asuka wailed. Why was she the villain here?

"Oh, then I suppose I'm the only one to do that tonight." Rei said.

Asuka then noticed that Rei was in a trench coat.

"Wonder girl, what are you wearing underneath?" Asuka asked suspiciously.

"That's for Shinji to know." Rei gave an honest to god giggle.

_What the hell's going on tonight!?_

While Asuka was distracted, Shinji escaped back to the couch. He was fondling the nonexistent curves and escalated to whispering dirty nothings to it.

"I wonder if you like being spanked. You do, don't you? Naughty leather!" Shinji giggled creepily again.

"Shinji…would you like to come with me for a little while?" Rei said in the most coquettish manner that she could muster, which for Rei was just a slightly higher tone of voice. Emphasis on slightly.

However, unfortunately for Rei, Shinji ignored her and continued to sexually harass the poor furniture. Rei looked jealously at the couch. _Am I being rejected for…upholstery?_

Asuka felt like she was losing her mind. Was Rei of all people really trying to seduce a boy as dull as a butter knife? Even worse, was she actually jealous!? No matter. Asuka decided that Shinji must wear some pants (any upper clothing optional.)

"Baka! Get back here!" Asuka growled.

"Indeed. Get. Back. Here." Rei agreed with dangerously narrowed eyes.

Seeing no response, Asuka attempted to tackle Shinji again and struggled to get him back under control. To Rei, it looked like Asuka really was trying to take advantage of Shinji, so she decided to take her share. Er, 'rescue' him.

"Wondergirl! Stop pulling on my hair!"

"I am attempting to prevent Shinji from being able to grip anything when you try to consummate with him."

"WHAT!?"

"I can taste the moo~oon," sang Shinji, completely oblivious to the chaos around him.

Of course, at this time Misato decided to come in from work. She walked in on the scene.

"Huh, if I'd known you were that frustrated, I would have bought you guys some hookers."

Needless to say, that it wasn't the most pleasant evening. When Shinji came to, he was on the couch with Misato still laughing her ass off and Asuka in the corner moping over the loss of her innocence. Rei was nowhere to be found, but he later found out that she had been arrested for assault and indecent exposure. The strangest part of it was that whenever he came near the couch, it sounded like it was purring.


	7. Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

I do not own the rights to NGE or any of the martial arts styles mentioned here.

* * *

Chapter 7

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

_**Three months later in Kawahara's Auto-shop**_

Shinji was bent over, sweat pouring from every pore of his body. _Crap, I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but man, Mr. Kawahara is freaking insane. _Indeed, Kawahara was a harsh taskmaster. This was made even worse by the fact that Shinji missed the first training session. Kawahara never showed any change in expression, but his dissatisfaction with Shinji's supposed lack of commitment was palpable. On the first day of training, Shinji was forced to endure a significant amount of running and weight training. It was only until the 12th day that they actually got into fighting techniques. To Kawahara's surprise, Shinji started showing some aptitude for it. He always looked so gentle and delicate that it was a shock to see him moving with fluidity through each technique after only seeing it once or twice. This wasn't to say that Shinji was absolutely brilliant. Far from it, Shinji knew how to copy movements, but implementing them in a real spar or with any will to follow through on the threat of harm was beyond his abilities. In fact, Kawahara never gave any explanation on the style he was learning except for a one sentence response when Shinji first began.

"Mr. Kawahara," Shinji started. Kawahara insisted on Shinji never calling him 'sensei' or anything other than Mr. Kawahara. To Shinji, it seemed almost disrespectful, but Kawahara just said that it was a title he wasn't worthy of. "What am I learning? I mean, I don't know anything other than simple hand to hand techniques and some weapons training with the EVA."

"Something like Xing Yi Quan and Tong Bei Quan, but not quite." This was all the answer that the old man gave before starting the lesson.

Shinji thought that fighting required more talking in instruction, but Kawahara just demonstrated a form before attacking Shinji, expecting him to replicate that same move in an instant to defend or counterattack which Shinji had failed at first. From the very beginning, Shinji lacked the proper reflexes or knowledge of his own kinesthetics, but Kawahara insisted on teaching this way. At first, Shinji thought that it was out of some unknown deep well of sadism that Kawahara was teaching this way. However, after the first few days of this crash course, Shinji started noticing that he was actually learning…albeit through several dozen cuts and bruises (and a concussion that led to one very awkward and hazy incident with Asuka and Rei, but luckily he didn't remember it.) Little did Shinji know that few teachers taught this way, but the ones that did had only the highest expectations of their students…or a sadistic urge to see them humiliated. In a way, Kawahara was paying Shinji immense respect (or see him be his bitch, whichever one.) Through it all, the unlikely duo was bonding. Three months later and Kawahara was as cheery as Shinji had ever seen him (which wasn't saying much, but Shinji took the increase in words for Kawahara's responses to be a sign of cheerfulness.)

"Hrm. Your form is good."

"..Thanks." Shinji huffed between heavy breaths.

"But you lack intent and will. There is no clarity or force in your mind."

"Am I supposed to be angry when fighting?" Shinji was confused. So far the fighting style proved to be very direct and aggressive. Something that Shinji lacked.

"No. I could give you some Chinese babble over the river flowing, but no. Figure it out."

"…okay." Shinji mumbled sullenly.

"Hm." Kawahara then stepped up his speed and complexity of his moves.

_What the hell!? I can barely see his hands! Let alone block! Wait, he's using elbow and knee strikes…is that intentional for me to pick up? _

Kawahara smirked as he saw that Shinji picked up on it. Shinji then focused his attention to Kawahara's torso and abdomen to tell which direction he was about to attack. He hadn't gained enough experience to tell Kawahara's moves just by touching him, but he quickly learned to watch. It worked! For up to 30 seconds, then Kawahara went even faster and threw in a palm strike here and there. Unconsciously, Shinji started drawing on more techniques he learned in more creative combinations. Even techniques he just learned only a few days ago.

_Kid might have a bit of talent after all…_Kawahara grunted to him softly. _But there is still a wall…_

All of a sudden, Kawahara switched to another style. It was the same one that he used on the gangsters. Tong Bei Quan. A style whose entire philosophy is intended to kill and harm with the most efficiency and simplicity possible. Often masters of it recommend that those learning it cannot be kind people for it requires a very unkind and cruel mindset to practice it. Shinji could barely stand up against the flurry of attacks on him. For once, Shinji started getting angry in a fight with a fellow human. Angry enough to start putting actual will behind his attacks. No success. As a matter of fact, it just made things worse since Kawahara took advantage of the gaps in his positions created from his anger.

_Goddamnit! This guy's like a brick wall!_ Shinji swore.

"This all you got?" Kawahara nettled. "This really your limit?"

_You really this pathetic? _Shinji's head snapped up. That wasn't Kawahara's voice. That was his thoughts.

Somewhere in Shinji, it felt like something was draining. Emptying. Shinji didn't know what was going but he noticed that his movements felt more deliberate and focused. Not quite that his emotions were going, but…

Kawahara gave an imperceptible approving nod as he went on the defensive. Shinji's eyes weren't focused as he weaved sharp shapes in the air. For the first time since training, Shinji wasn't angry or pained, but focused and determined. However, the moment ended as soon as it began. Shinji was soon back staring at the ceiling again.

"That…was good progress." Kawahara intoned.

"Good?" Shinji huffed in between breaths. "I got beat…again."

"What? The fact that you're younger and more spry than me guarantees victory?"

"Yes," Shinji said thoughtlessly, but realized how it sounded. "I mean, no!"

Too late. Kawahara's eyes narrowed and stepped closer to the tactless boy.

"I didn't mea-"

"No, but you thought it. You thought that because I'm aging that a punk like you could beat me," Kawahara leaned in menacingly. "That I can't handle. That I can't deal. That I was weak!"

By now, Kawahara was only two inches from Shinji's face, his teeth bared and eyes flashing with barely repressed violence. However, he saw Shinji's terrified expression and stopped, disgusted for going off on an innocent kid.

"…I'm sorry," Kawahara quietly said. "I…didn't mean to harm you for my failings…"

Failings? Shinji was bewildered at why this man would think himself to be a failure. And Shinji said something Shinji himself should've heard those years ago when his father left. Something that would've made all the difference in his childhood. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Kawahara stared at Shinji for a while, giving him the same searching look when he first met the introverted boy back in that garage those months ago. At long last, he spoke up, "Yes."

For the first time since Shinji met him, Kawahara's voice trembled in emotion other than anger or droll amusement. He waited patiently, letting his mentor gather his thoughts. Funny, the way that he thought of the man as a mentor. He was hardly a great role model considering his lack of social skill, irascible demeanor, and frank attitude, but for reasons unknown to Shinji, he cared about his opinion. What was even stranger to Shinji was that Kawahara was willing to take on some emotionally crippled, socially awkward kid as a mentee. _I've…never realized it, but…I'm grateful. I know Kawahara has some rough edges, but I've felt closer to him than I have to Misato or Uncle. _

At the same time, Kawahara was thinking _Why am I spilling my guts out to this kid?_ Once again his voice of compassion softly whispered back. _Because he is a way to repent. Help him and you might make up for your mistakes…_

"I am a failure…I know you think that I'm some tough old son of a bitch that'll outlast even the Angels…and that you look up to me. Don't. I don't deserve it."

Kawahara broke off, looking away. "You know that I was a detective working on the relocation camp beat once, right?"

Shinji nodded, not making a sound lest he break the man's confession.

"Before that I was a soldier in USSOCOM. I was already familiar with the usual hellholes like the Middle East, the India-Pakistan border after second impact, and working recovery efforts on Japan's coast, so they figured that I would be among the best candidates for this assignment. I was…sent to Dreamland."

Shinji gasped. He didn't even know that the UN was insane enough to send any troops there to investigate. Dreamland was the moniker given to the devastated region of Tasmania, Australia because all that remained there were the fantasies of an untouched land. The energy wave of the original blast had just destroyed Antarctica which gave rise to tsunamis that drowned South America, substantial portions of Africa, New Zealand, and Indonesia. However, the most mysterious and perhaps the most horrific event were in Australia. All of the coastal cities were wiped as in the cases of the other countries, but there was something else at work then. In the island off of the coast, the coastal city Hobart was oddly untouched. No tsunami even came near it and yet no contact came from there. Any expeditions there by sea were never seen from again. Satellites couldn't get a clear picture due to constant interference with their lenses. No one had the intestinal fortitude to brave the trek inland because the rest of the island was the most devastated region of Australia. With the sheer futility of attempting to explore it, most wrote it off as a modern day Roanoke.

Kawahara saw Shinji's shocked expression and mentally shook his head at the boy's awe at an 'explorer.' What he did wasn't exploring. That implied that there was hope and optimism involved. It was rediscovering old, buried horrors. The horrors that every human knew but refused to acknowledge. "It was me and a team of 40. I was lead investigator since I had a stint with the MPs. The rest were either jarheads or eggheads.

"I was such an asshole then. I thought that every member of the team dreaded the mission as much as I did. Instead, more than half of the group wanted to suck up to the bitch who asked for the expedition. I didn't know her name, but the eggheads kept calling her Yui-chan. I didn't really care. It was an eerie place and I wanted out. I was planning on just retiring and opening a mechanic shop after that assignment. Those idiots didn't bother feeling any sympathy for the people there. We came by the mainland to Burnie and traveled inward across Tasmania. The things we saw…"

Kawahara was breathing more heavily. Shinji was almost afraid to see him on the verge of tears. It scared the hell of Shinji to see such impassive, stoic man so vulnerable. "You ever see a child eating his own father? No…of course you wouldn't and a good kid like you never should…Food was scarce there after the tides. When we first landed in the port, they were all so desperate, but defeated. Only a handful tried to mug us and even then they only went to try to get us to put them out of their misery. Families sacrificed themselves to each other to feed their children in that hell. The look and sound that those kids had…I saw that they just wanted to die…die in their own vomit, coated in the blood and flesh of the ones who loved them so…I saw a little of them in you when I first met you."

_How could a kid eat his own father…did the child's father love him that much to give up everything...father could never do something like for me…sacrifice himself…for that matter, could I do such a thing?_

Courage slid roughly into place again, but it had more solid ground than before. _He could. Why else would he devote himself to his work so much? When a man gives up everything except duty, it's often because of love._

_Mother. _Shinji reflectively answered back. _Father loved mother. I can't remember her face…but I remember his when he looked at her. It had so much open love and joy._

_Without a doubt. However, you are his child. You remember the way he looked at you. They were always stoic…but you always sensed some fear didn't you?_ A pregnant pause before his optimistic inner spoke again._ He was afraid of you. He was afraid of what you represented. Change. The final acknowledgement that the mother you loved and the wife he worshipped were gone. You know that he loved you, but he's a lot like you…you're still afraid of others. Your mother loved you…but she left. Your mother loved father…but she still left. In the end we're all abandoned…but we're all found again…or we find them… _

Not wishing to dwell on these thoughts any longer, he continued. _Why I reminded him of them? Why? Was I really that…miserable? That pitiful? Am I still?_

"Numb. I didn't feel contempt or sadness…just nothing. Didn't even feel disturbed at the fact that I was so apathetic. Everybody else in the group tittered about the state of things before heartily digging in the rations we had. Not one thought of trying to help the lost…myself included. So much apathy and not enough compassion. Except for one. It was a young jarhead. He was fresh from spec ops training. Not scarred enough by the world. Still had a heart. Every night he went out to give some rations and help scrounge food and make shelters with the refugees. He thought we didn't know…called him a bleeding heart, a sissy. I didn't pay him much mind…until he asked for my help one day. It was about six days in and we were ¾ of the way through to reaching Hobart. The idiot was trying to help a group of orphans. When he found them on one of his recons, they worked like a gang, trying to protect their cobbled family. Tried to rob the idiot and you know what? He let them. Man learned at least a hundred ways to kill somebody with a toothpick and he let a bunch of prepubescent punks take his food. Even taught them some survival skills." Kawahara had a faint smile around the corners of his mouth, fondly recalling the earnest, idealistic young man under his command.

Shinji listened to his story silently, trying to make sense of the man's past. _How did Kawahara survive there…I don't think I could. _

"I came to admire the kid. He was naïve as hell…kinda like you, but he didn't mind anybody's opinion…unlike you. He took all the guff we dished over his bleeding heart antics. I originally thought that the kid was just inexperienced, but despite all we saw, he still believed…In the midst of all the horror and chaos, this kid was still merciful and retained his soul. Through him…I realized that morality weren't just a bunch of recondite principles created by an unknown and cruel god. It's something that each of us is inherently bound by. There is no Id. There is no superego. There are only us. In constant flux, so easily tempted by iniquity and the chaos. However, so pretentious to assume our lofty ideals are a constant…honestly, I saw more than a little of him in you…when I first met you. What shames me about all of it was that I didn't care. I thought I was a tough guy back then, but compared to that kid I was weak. As pathetic as the scum. I _was_ the scum. I…hated myself for not caring about all those suffering people there. If I was just at home seeing some footage of this, I would feel less guilty…but I was there. I could've helped…but I was so selfish…"

"What happened when you reached Dreamland? What happened to him?" Shinji asked, riveted at the story and no longer able to restrain himself. _Kawahara hated himself? Is he like me?_

At this Kawahara fell silent and looked away in…shame? Anger?

"…I'm sorry. I can't tell you. It's too…"

"…I understand."

Shinji really did. In his lifespan, he'd learned more about regret and painful memories than any child should have a right to. However, the silence that followed wasn't awkward, but rather of contemplation and reflection. Both were immersed in memories that they weren't proud of, but knew to be the ones that defined them as the men they were today.

"Kid…"

Shinji tore his eyes away from the floor to look at Kawahara. Was he going to berate him for getting him to open up?

"You hungry?"

Seeing his nod, Kawahara continued "The mall's just a short walk from here. Why don't you get us some lunch from the food court? I got paperwork to finish."

Shinji nodded and quickly ran out, but before he exited the door, he heard Kawahara mutter something. Just two words, but it was enough to make Shinji give a small smile and leave feeling good.

"Thank you."

_I…had use…a purpose._

* * *

_**At the Same Time in the Mall**_

_Where is that girl?_ Asuka thought as she sat alone on a bench in the mall, drumming her fingers. _Honestly, she was the one who wanted advice on what kind of shoes go with her dress! _

Everywhere, people were milling about, looking to satisfy their desire for more useless goods. Unfortunately for Asuka, a substantial amount of those people was men looking to pick up women.

"Hey sweetie," said a plump, homely middle-aged businessman. "What's an innocent, young gaijin like you doing so alone?"

Asuka didn't even spare a glance and promptly ignored him in favor of staring at the rest of the crowd. _A toad like this is beneath my notice. _

"Come on…don't be like that. Young girls like you might be taken advantage of and might need some good Japanese men to protect you…for a price, that is." The man said unctuously, his lascivious smirk giving no room for imagination as to what that price would be.

Asuka had had enough. She waited for half an hour for Hikari and had to put up with stupid come-ons from disgusting perverted men both old and young. Finally fed up, Asuka got up and walked away.

The businessman however didn't take this too kindly. "Foreigner bitch! Whores like you are always invading our country, stealing our jobs! Least gaijin should do is pay off some debt."

He strode after the girl and grabbed her arm, mistaking its slenderness for lack of muscle rather than tone. The man thought she would be easily overpowered. However, Asuka was an athletic fighter of celestial monsters trained from childhood in combat whereas the man was a portly CPA who hadn't even seen the inside of a gym for 30 years (and even then he barely passed P.E.) If anyone asked Shinji whether he would rather face a dozen Angels at the same time or a pissed off Asuka, the answer would've been very obvious.

Asuka whirled around to face the pervert as she grabbed the offending arm and pulled it downwards. He fell down and was treated to a knee in the face. The scuffle was over in less than five seconds. The businessman rolled in agony on the ground clutching his bleeding nose and Asuka's heart rate hadn't even picked up in the slightest.

"Pathetic pervert," She muttered as she walked away. People around her looked disapproving. A fine young woman shouldn't get into fights, but at the same time they couldn't feel any sympathy or pity for the man. At the same time, a familiar boy was walking into the mall and noticing the commotion. The familiar flash of crimson hair was enough to convince him. _Was that…Asuka?_

Asuka hurried to the nearest bathroom to clean up and wipe off any traces of the fight since she didn't want Hikari to worry. She stared in the mirror for a while, searching the young girl that stared back.

_Who am I?_

_You're Asuka Soryu Langley_

_I don't know who that is anymore…'Asuka' would've scorned Shinji. 'Asuka' would never have cried over a boy. 'Asuka'…doesn't care about Shinji…_

_Asuka…or Mother?_

_What's that supposed to mean?_

'_Asuka' might not have been real, but you are. _

_But I am Asuka…_

_Didn't you just say that you didn't know who you were? 'Asuka'…is a façade. Fake. No free will. Bound to someone else's._

_Whose?_

_Who do you think?_

Asuka had no answer. Or rather she had an answer, but it was one she didn't want to face…otherwise it meant that her life up to this point was all for nothing. Despite feeling so many conflicting emotions and being tugged by so many different desires, Asuka still wanted to keep to what was familiar. In that way, she was like Shinji. To never want anything to change and stay the same because there was always the risk of getting hurt again. However, for Asuka, being in her mother's embrace and hearing her proudly whisper 'liebchen' was the most comfortable she felt before she met Shinji. The only thing that she did acknowledge was that having Shinji around was unfamiliar…but pleasant.

While Asuka was searching for herself in the public bathroom, a group walked in. There wasn't an XX chromosome in the lot.

"Hey there girlie, saw you take that oldie down. I like your style," The oldest and tallest of the group said.

"Great, another dweeb who needs an ass kicking." Asuka grumbled.

"Hey now I'm offended. How about you make it up to me by joining my crew?"

Asuka growled, having had enough of men today. "No! I won't join your lame ass crew because you're all a bunch of stupid inbred bastards! You're all so pathetic with your faux gangster clothing. I bet that every one of you is just some suburban kid who wanted to act cool! Newsflash, you're not! Now you're trying to get a pretty girl to join for 'street cred' to brag to other pathetic 'gangsters' like you! I see how you look at my pure virginal body, you pervert! I have no doubt that the moment I joined you would start bragging about fucking me along with the rest of the crew and undoubtedly attempt to do so…" She left the unspoken words 'at your own peril' dangling in the air like a knife.

_What? What is it with girls these days? They always think that a group of guys asking them to join them are always looking for some action! Hell, I may be a little…unruly, but I got principles! _

To his credit, the leader of the group didn't flinch, but he had his pride. Plus it really didn't help that Asuka made all those accusations about him. He only joined a gang to feed his family! However, now he didn't care what the cost was as long as he made her pay. The leader nodded to his crew and they advanced on her, pulling out whatever weapon was on them at the time. Fortunately, none of them were in any way connected enough to get a gun under Japan's strict regulations, but unfortunately Asuka really couldn't deal with the number facing her. She might have been well versed in fighting, but she never had to deal with that many at one time. Keeping her breathing calm and steady, she readied her muscles and assumed a standard Krav Maga stance.

The leader made the first move. He stabbed forward with his knife and missed by a scant few inches. Asuka swiftly kicked the back of his knee and as he dropped she immediately slammed her elbow into the back of his head. Seeing their boss taken down so easily and quickly by a delicate looking girl was disconcerting enough to make them hesitate. Alas the collective brilliance of brutes and thugs made the rest soon realize that they outnumbered her. Exchanging grins, they all rushed her. Dumb decision. The bathroom was limited in space, so they all stumbled around each other. Asuka made efficient use of the advantage by dealing with each thug one at a time and knocking each out with a vicious chop to the head or punch in the throat. It seemed to be going swimmingly for Asuka, but as the room cleared of space with each person she dispatched, the easier it would be to maneuver for the remaining thugs. Catching a sudden blow to the side of her head, Asuka dropped to ground dazed. Sensing a victory, the thugs quickly pinned her. The remainder of the group was ones that the leader was not very proud of having. They were only useful as muscle and not for any executive thoughts considering their morality could've been outstripped by most hungry coyotes. Surprisingly there was a code among gangs since Tokyo 3 was under military control. The code states for them to keep activities to just people that nobody would miss. No unnecessary muggings. In fact, in another time, the leaders of the gangs would probably have made excellent healthcare insurance executives. The biggest of the remaining group unzipped his pants and smirked in anticipation of their ultimate victory. _This'll teach that foreign bitch!_

"Get. Away. From. Her," growled a voice from the doorway. All turned to look. It was a lean silhouette clad in mechanic overalls. "Didn't you hear me?"

His voice was steady and sounded oddly like Kawahara's in tone.

"Oh yeah? What's a skinny ass bitch like you going to do about it?" One foolish punk answered.

A long pause followed the empty words. Finally Shinji answered in the form of a brutal punch to the liver. The rest of them blinked in disbelief. They didn't even see him move! Shinji himself was unaware of how much Kawahara's training had done to him. Kawahara had designed Shinji's training to be a way to cultivate speed and quick, strong blows. Shinji had a wiry body that would grow into something lean and strong if his father was anything to go by, so Kawahara made sure that Shinji would utilize speed and meaningful blows. For Shinji's type, he would have to fight quickly and brutally efficiently because a drawn out battle for Shinji's current endurance was the worst thing he could do since Shinji had only a slight build. Shinji however didn't know this and if he did at that moment, he wouldn't have cared.

_Asuka! ...No…I refuse to fail again! Not like Mari. Not like Ran! I will win!_ Shinji mentally proclaimed, unaware that this was the first time he had ever thought positively about an outcome.

After the initial blow, Shinji went to make quick work of the remaining thugs. Like Kawahara, Shinji wasn't overly complicated in dealing with them. Kawahara taught Shinji to make every blow count and these thugs seemed hopelessly slow compared to the daily spars he had with the old man. There were only four left, but they were the most muscular of the group. However, Shinji was fast approaching a mental state that was beyond reason, beyond words, so it really didn't matter to him even if they were Chuck Norris with a BB gun. It almost rivaled the berserker state he entered during the third angel's attack. Now, normally any martial arts master would tell students to keep a relaxed and calm center when fighting for maximum effectiveness and inner peace. On the other hand nothing but pure rage fueling your fighting works just as well too.

Shinji ducked to avoid a sloppily thrown punch and grabbed the thug as he fell forward. With the most primal of grunts, Shinji spared no time in slamming the thug's head into the wall. Once. Twice. Thrice. Sanguine.

_One down. _Shinji thought savagely as the thug slid off the wall, blood trickling from its surface.

Two of the remaining three decided to attack as a team. This wasn't the smartest of ideas again. The two had no idea of how to coordinate their movements so Shinji could just as easily shift between the two and let them exchange blows to each other. Unfortunately Shinji was still inexperienced in dealing with multiple opponents like Asuka and didn't count on the two throwing another punch at the same time. Winded from the sudden attack on his temples, Shinji reeled back. _Shit! _

Sensing weakness, the duo closed in and started pummeling as much of Shinji's body as they could. Shinji for his part was desperately trying to hold onto consciousness under the hail of assaults. Finally Shinji fell to his knees, coughing violently and his vision was blurring. Tasting blood in his mouth, he weakly raised his head. The two were smugly grinning.

_Dammit!...I'm a failure. I can't do anything…Asuka deserves better and all she's got is me of all people at the moment…not Kaji…_ Shinji turned his head to look at the girl he had failed to silently apologize for being so weak. So insignificant. So…disposable…like the replacement he was…

Asuka was still on the floor in blissful unconsciousness. However, Shinji's attention wasn't on the girl who he wanted to protect. It was on the asshole standing over her with a smug smirk, speaking volumes of abuse and cruelty soon to follow. Once again Shinji felt the familiar rage overtake him. Except it was rage beyond what he experienced in the training session with Kawahara and even what he felt a few minutes ago.

"Ran!" Shinji unconsciously shouted, his mind presenting images of Mari in the hospital bed and Ran crying in terror superimposed over Asuka's form. With a primal roar, Shinji charged the thugs who were still basking in their victory over somebody half their size. He slammed into one, ramming him into the wall and instead of cracking the thug's skull like the last one, Shinji stepped back and kicked with every last drop of his strength into his spine. Hearing a distinct and loud crack, Shinji turned and met with the second man standing. Shinji blocked a sidekick, his arm hurting like hell from the effort.

_That's going to leave a mark…_Shinji thought absentmindedly. Stepping inside the man's reach, Shinji dodged the next uppercut, grabbing the arm and letting loose a vicious elbow strike into his solar plexus. He was still leaned in close to the brute's torso and quickly stepped back to avoid having him fall on him. The thug fell with a resounding (and satisfying) thud. The boy stood for a moment mentally running through the fight, but soon his head snapped to glare at the last one. The last man standing froze, his breath hitched in sheer terror. This kid's eyes…they were so livid and sad. However, all that emotion was concentrated to such intensity that it was almost palpable as a distinct heat on his skin, communicating the message 'You want to leave this room right now.' He complied; fly still unzipped and practically sprinting out the door.

Raggedly breathing, Shinji limped to where Asuka was still lying, emerging from dazed confusion. "Asuka! Are you okay?"

"Shinji?" Asuka asked groggily. "What happened?"

"You got in a fight."

"Did I beat them?"

Shinji hesitated and lied. "Yes. But the last one standing got a lucky punch in. He ran off as soon as he saw me coming. Th-they probably thought that I was some cop looking in."

"Heh. You become a cop? That'll be the day. Bet you couldn't even punch your way through a wet paper bag," Asuka said as she slowly got up from the floor, holding her head in her hands. She took no notice of Shinji's bloodied knuckles or disheveled appearance. "Speaking of punches, that was some lucky hit."

"Yeah…listen I gotta-"

"Scheisse! I forgot about Hikari." With that sheepish admission, Asuka ran out the door, not even sparing the faintest of thoughts of the boy who had just saved her unbeknownst to her.

"Go…" Shinji finished dejectedly. He dragged his feet along the linoleum and walked to the nearest sink to wash his hands of the violence. _What did I expect? A congratulation? A pat on the back? What I did wasn't something worthy of praise…even then I didn't even tell her…why didn't I?_

_Because you're not proud of it… _

Shinji nervously glanced at the door again. He didn't want anyone to see this scene. However, the sheer horror and regret from causing so much harm to someone finally hit him as he surveyed the broken wrecks of flesh around him. His legs felt weak and his knees wobbled as his leaned back against the sink to find purchase to stand. Stumbling across the unconscious bodies, he dipped his head into a stall, missing the toilet by a few inches. Bile plastered the floor. Shinji was bent over on his knees, heaving every last scrap of food he'd had for the day, hands trembling in self reproach and shame.

_What have I done? I lost control. That feeling. This feeling. I was so angry. So out of control…over Asuka…over Ran…over all my regrets and pain…is this what I sought after when I asked Mr. Kawahara to teach me? I'm no better than an animal. Strength isn't this…I wanted what Mr. Kawahara had. What Father had. Conviction. Belief. _

_You do. You had the will to carry out protecting Asuka. _

_But at what cost?_

_Are you really that selfish? ...You are pathetic if you think that way._

_What?_ Shinji knew that he was being selfish before, but now? All his work to stop being what he was before was for nothing?

_Yes. You are being selfish. Do you know why you admire Kawahara, Asuka, and Father? It's because they had will. They had the mental fortitude to shut up and do what was necessary to get the job done. _

_I…couldn't do that. I can't do it. I WON'T do it…I'm sorry, but that's one boundary I can't cross. I won't hurt anybody that badly again…even for Asuka. I-I can't hurt another person like that again…I'll stop them…but I won't do something like this again…because of my weakness._

A stretch of silence before his inner self answered back._ Keyword. Won't. It means you can…but you lack the determination to follow through…but don't worry. You will. _

At last the voice disappeared and left Shinji alone to deal with his new responsibilities and burdens that came with his control of violence. _Is this what father felt towards me after mother died? If so…I think I can understand him a little. I've always been scared…but never of myself…I…have to take responsibility…_

Shinji pulled out his cell phone from his dirty overalls and his finger hovered over the emergency number before he was interrupted by a flurry of men in suits storming in. It was Section 2…on time as usual.

"Sir…sorry we're late. We were-"

"Incompetent!" Shinji spat out, completing the man's sentence. It was like a switch had been flipped in his mood. His frustration with the inept security force was finally spilling out. "You almost let a pilot come to harm!"

"But we-"

"Inexcusable! What use are you guys!?" Shinji growled. He stepped in closer to the agent, subconsciously adopting Kawahara's mannerisms. Shinji was right in the agent's face and his eyes were narrowed, promising pain if he gave the wrong response.

The agent gulped and took a step back. He took a nervous glance around and regretted it. The bodies on the floor were still out cold and looked in terrible shape.

"Well!?"

"To protect you," The agent answered in a calm manner, but a cold trickle of sweat ran down his back. The kid had taken out half a gang! Despite the agent's training, he doubted that he could take on that many meathead assailants all at once.

"Bang up job," Shinji said caustically. "I'm sure that you're all very proud of yourselves for leaving your job up to a fourteen year old boy."

"I apologize, sir." The agent didn't know why he was calling a boy half his age 'sir', but at the moment, he was scaring the hell out of him.

"No excuses!" Shinji had had enough of the incompetence of Section 2. If they were doing their job, none of this would have happened. "If I see another slip up again, I'll personally make sure that every agent on duty then will be fired."

It was a promise. The agents knew bluffs when they saw one and Shinji definitely had the authority to back it up. It wasn't very well known (and Shinji only learned about it recently), but due to certain politics Shinji had to be accorded as a member of the military since he was technically working for NERV and receiving pay from them. Shinji's official rank (in order to be privy to the secrets of EVA and be a pilot) had to be up to First Lieutenant. A rank that could extend power beyond his division and it didn't hurt that he was probably the only one who could pilot Unit 01.

"I…"

"Just go. Remember what happened here…or else." Shinji said quietly.

"Y-yes sir!" The unlucky agent exclaimed and nodded to the other men the okay to leave.

Soon Shinji was alone again in the bathroom, but despite venting some of his tension Shinji felt worse than ever.

_What did I just do?_ Shinji asked himself in horror.

_You grew up a little…congratulations…_A part of him answered back with faint bitterness.

…_Is this what I want to become? A lowlife blackmailer? Someone who just goes off at any time? A sociopath with no regard for anything, but…what I want? _

* * *

_**The Next Day at School**_

"I can't believe it! I wish I had been there with you taking down those assholes!" Toji pounded his fist against his palm. "I mean I don't like the Red Haired Devil, but even she doesn't deserve that! And they called our bud 'a skinny ass bitch?' I oughta show them how to treat my friends!"

Shinji smiled faintly at the display of solidarity at their friendship, but was still held down by his internal struggle over what he had done.

Kensuke was hunched over in his seat, his fingers stilted in a manner vaguely reminiscent of a certain sunglass clad man. "For the crime of harming our dear comrade, these ruffians must endure a high penalty."

"They already have," said a voice behind the three.

It was Kaji! To Shinji it seemed a little surreal to have someone from work at school outside of Asuka and Rei.

"Heard the story from Section 2. Apparently you chewed them out." Kaji said lazily.

Toji and Kensuke shot Shinji a grin. They were proud of him for actually having the stones to rant at a group of large imposing men. That day Shinji earned infinite man points in their books.

"It's…not something I'm proud of." Shinji broke eye contact from Kaji, his cheeks coloring in shame of his actions that day.

"Why not? You fought a gang all by yourself and saved the girl. Speaking of which, why didn't you tell Asuka that you saved her? According to the report, you told her that she beat them all by herself," Kaji inquired.

"Like I said…I'm not proud of it," Shinji said. His voice was barely above a whisper, still avoiding Kaji's gaze.

"That's not right, Shinji." Kaji said disapprovingly. "Asuka deserves to hear the truth."

"And what the fuck would you know about truth!?" Shinji snapped. However, he instantly felt guilty about taking his frustration and fear of himself on the spy and the sense of shame only increased. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…"

Kaji recognized when a man was near his breaking point and knew perfectly well that even before coming to Tokyo 3 that Shinji was already teetering near the edge. It seemed that with everything that had been happening, he was so close to the edge that even the slightest breeze could tip him over…however, there seemed to be only the most slender of threads keeping him grounded. _A lot like his father in fact._ Kaji repressed a shudder. He had heard about the man that the infamous commander was before the death of his wife. While Gendo Ikari wasn't the greatest of men (far from it), he at least retained some humanity and emotion even while working for SEELE. Now...it took all of Kaji's willpower to even look into the man's glacial, inhuman eyes hidden behind reflective lenses.

"It's all right," Kaji said soothingly.

"I…would rather you _not_ tell Asuka about who really took the rest of them down." Shinji asked.

_Oh really?_ Kaji thought sarcastically. "All right…but you will have to tell her sometime. It can't be a secret forever, you know. Everything comes to the light sooner or later."

_If only that were true_ Shinji thought absentmindedly, but outwardly he answered, "Just not now. So why did you come here?"

"I came for Asuka actually. I got a message from her father to give to her. He insisted that I go personally and since I have a trip to Kyushu, this is the only time I can pass it along. She…hasn't been speaking to him lately." _If you defined lately as not so much as a letter or word in the past decade…_

At that opportune moment, the aforementioned girl walked in with Hikari.

"Kaji! What are you doing here!?" Asuka hadn't seen the playboy in weeks, so she was enthusiastic to see him…until she was struck by her thoughts the previous day. _Is Kaji another replacement? _A part of her gave a reply that shook her._ Another? There's more than just the one…?_

Detecting Asuka's subtle change in mood, Kaji's smile dimmed a little. Why was she less happy to see him now? Pushing aside those thoughts, Kaji went straight into it. "A message from your father."

Asuka definitely wasn't happy now. She frowned and her eyebrows furrowed in exasperation. "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not going to celebrate that verdammt woman's birthday!?"

"Asuka. She's your mother."

"_Step_-mother," Asuka corrected through gritted teeth. "That woman is not my real mother."

"All right. That's all I had to pass along." Kaji said in a placatory manner. He turned to Shinji and shot him a look reminding him to tell her. "Oh yeah, Shinji, the commander wants to see you today."

"F-father wants to see me?" Shinji stuttered. It was just unreal that he would want to talk to Shinji out of his own volition. _It's probably just about EVA…like every other conversation we've ever had…_

"Yup. Right after school. Well, I gotta catch my flight. See you guys." Kaji said cheerfully and left whistling.

Asuka wasted no time in grilling Shinji for all the details of Kaji's talk with him. "So what'd you guys talk about?"

"Nothing." Shinji said simply.

"What do you mean nothing, stupid!?"

"I meant the state of which no matter, concept, and/or purpose exists."

"Don't be an ass! Scheisse! When did a boring little boy like you get a smart mouth?"

"Like to find out how smart?" Shinji said, hoping that the sheer abruptness of it would get Asuka angry enough to be distracted about the conversation. _I can't believe I'm actually trying to get Asuka angry! But anything is better than telling her about…that. _Kawahara once taught a valuable lesson to Shinji.

* * *

_**Flashback…we missed you so**_

Shinji was barely keeping on his feet. So far Shinji had beaten silly by Kawahara's…energetic training methods. In the month and a half that he'd been under Kawahara's tutelage, he hadn't even managed to get one hit! _I have to keep my distance! Otherwise how else can I take him on? I'm not strong enough!_

This logic proved faulty as Shinji was still being hit by the older man's fists.

"Kid…why are you staying away?"

"Because I'm too weak." Shinji replied tiredly. "There's no way for me to even get a single hit on you."

"Moron. You're weak right now, but any idiot can score a hit."

"Not this idiot," Shinji muttered under his breath.

Catching that self disparaging remark, Kawahara sighed. The kid's defeatist attitude was starting to grate on his nerves. He knew that Shinji would never just up and decide to take a risk to attack as long as he thought that he was weak. Kawahara changed tack and decided something more…unconventional.

"How do you know what you know?"

Recognizing one of the major introductions to epistemology, Shinji continued the dialogue as he frantically tried to dodge a leg sweep. "You recognize it through perception, which is inherently biased and flawed."

"On what basis?"

"Our own. Human perception is seminally accepted as incomplete as we are not perfect beings."

"Are there any alternatives available to glean knowledge from the world besides our own perception?"

"No. It is intrinsically flawed as our perception is the only lenses that we may use to understand the world."

"Are you human?"

"Yes."

"Then how do _you_ know what you know about this fight?"

"…I don't" Shinji said wondrously. Shinji felt more hopeful

Taking the hint, Shinji started to get closer into the man's range. With a sudden burst of animation and energy, Shinji threw a haymaker with all his might. It connected! Kawahara fell back onto the ground.

With a proud grin playing around the edges of his mouth, Kawahara spoke up, "Nothing is sure here except for your moral lines. Those you cannot compromise…for in the end they're all you have. The moment you accept a possibility as an absolute, you will fail."

Half paying attention, Shinji was still fascinated by his small victory. Shinji looked surprised at his own fist. _I…did it!_

* * *

_**Back to the Present**_

Shinji never fully internalized that particular lesson, but what he did learn then that doing any actions had risk, but for enough reward he might've gained he was willing to do anything. In this case, Shinji recognized that pissing off Asuka would have serious adverse effects on his health, but…if it meant keeping the shame away and the disgusted look that Asuka would undoubtedly give. Asuka was still standing with the rest of the class watching as if this were a deadly ping pong match, going back and forth with each response the two gave.

Asuka opened her mouth at last. "I-I-I"

'_What?'_ thought the class collectively. This was the exact opposite of what they were expecting (which was for Asuka to go on a rampage in her EVA and do…unspeakable things.)

Shinji braced himself for what _must_ be the biggest rant and beat down that Asuka had given in her life judging from the lethal stuttering.

"BAKA!!!" Asuka shrieked before dashing out of the room with oddly pink cheeks.

Still braced for an attack, Shinji tentatively rubbed his eyes in case he hallucinated what he just saw. Huh?

"Shinji…you player!" Toji proudly roared. He may not have understood Shinji's taste in women, but he sure was suave! Who knew that the wimpiest kid in the class (and in a secret poll most likely to be jailbait) could be so awesome at women to even get Asuka?

_What just happened? And…is 'player' an upgrade or downgrade from 'pimp'?_

* * *

_**After School**_

Shinji fidgeted as the elevator went down. He felt like he was Dante descending through the nine rings of hells. He'd done this trip hundreds of times, but he still felt as apprehensive and anxious as he did the first time went to the Geofront. Barely registering the chime indicating that the ride was over, Shinji automatically walked out. He already went on it so many times that he instinctively knew the duration.

Trying to keep his breathing under control, Shinji tried to think of it like another spar with Kawahara. No matter of life or death, but just a test of ability and cunning. If it was anything that Shinji learned, it was cunning. Against opponents like the ones in the bathroom and Kawahara, he couldn't overpower them, so he had to trick them with feints and shocking speed. Before he knew it, he was right in front of the door of Gendo Ikari, commander of NERV. Taking a deep breath and occupying his quiet space, he knocked.

"Enter," commanded a cold masculine voice.

Shinji tightly gripped the doorknob for a good five seconds before screwing up all his courage to turn it.

"Shinji…" Gendo said, an imposing silhouette wrapped in shadow behind his massive desk. His outline was outlined by a window behind him, but it showed only bright light that made Shinji squint a little from the glare. "I was informed that you threatened your bodyguards by pulling rank. Normally this would be perfectly within your seldom used powers as a pilot, but they filed a complaint against you and demanded that I speak with you personally over your behavior. Apparently, you are 'intimidating.'"

Gendo raised his eyebrow by a fraction of an inch, disbelieving the words as he surveyed the slight boy before him. Shinji couldn't believe the words too, but acknowledged it with a faint grimace. Intimidating? _I always thought that a teddy bear would be more intimidating than me…and a lot more cuddly…not that I care…because men aren't cuddly. We're tough a-and…manly!_ Despite growing a great deal in the last few months, Shinji still held rather…chauvinistic ideas of how to be a man which really wasn't a surprise. His few male role models were hardly fully functional themselves. Kawahara only spoke when necessary and Shinji (while very unobtrusive) was not someone who was shy enough to keep his opinion to himself at all times anymore. Feeling himself on the verge of shaking uncontrollably, Shinji clamped down on his emotions and calmly spoke.

"And what specifically would you like to speak to me about?" _Was that really me?_

"No subject that they insisted that I discuss with you. Their concerns regarding your authority are irrelevant and moot point." Gendo was surprised at his son's cold demeanor. There was no love lost between them, but Shinji normally stutters or flusters about. "However, I must impress upon you the responsibility of power…"

_Calm. Controlled. And silent in attack._ Shinji reminded himself. These were the major tenets that Kawahara taught him. Sucking air through his teeth and breathing out his nose, Shinji replied, "I suppose you'd know all about responsibility"

_Best defense is a good offense. Find the weak point and stab at it with precision and as much force mustered. _Kawahara said in Shinji's mind.

"…What are you implying, Pilot Ikari?" Gendo said frigidly.

"That a grown man who can't even handle a five year old child would know nothing about the ability to handle important tasks." Shinji said. _I know that I'm scared and that I'll regret this later…but what's the point of being forced into this if I can't take a risk? This is my chance to tell father how I really feel and think about him…If I don't do it now, I'll never do it…and I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I don't want any more pain. After all…isn't telling father my feelings more important than the punishment?_

"How dare you!?" The commander roared.

"NO! How dare _you_!?" Shinji roared back. "You _left_ me! You couldn't deal and you left!"

For more than once, Gendo Ikari was reminded of exactly how much Shinji resembled his mother in the way he could see into the heart of the matter. He knew that he couldn't refute the point, so he didn't.

"Leave the room."

"No." Shinji ground out. "Listen to me for five minutes…you owe me that much."

"I don't like your tone, Pilot Ikari." _Why is he showing resistance now? ...I do owe him this much…_Gendo Ikari wasn't especially fond of his son, but as much as he buried his emotions, the sting of guilt and shame was just under the surface. The memory of the happy days with his wife and child together just made it all that much more painful. This was why Gendo Ikari burnt every picture of his wife and sent his son away. Seeing Shinji always reminded him of his greatest failure. He failed to protect the most important thing in the world, his wife.

"Tough." Shinji snapped. However, for all his outward lack of patience, Shinji didn't hate his father necessarily…but he couldn't say that he cared for him.

Gendo had had enough and buzzed for security to come in. Shinji's attention was elsewhere when three guards came in. Two of them clapped their hands on Shinji's shoulders to forcibly escort him out of the office. One of them thought, _Poor kid. Can't even talk to his father without being strong armed in or out. _

Unfortunately months of training under Kawahara left Shinji's reflexes and reactions…explosive when something took him by surprise. Without thinking, he gripped the hands on his shoulders and twisted them forcing the guards to their knees from the painful clinch. On instinct, Shinji rammed his knee for the kill shot into one of the kneeling guard's face.

_NO!_ screamed a voice in Shinji's mind.

Shinji snapped out of it and stopped an inch from the guard's head. _What was I doing!? What have I done!? What could I have done!!?? I-I almost killed him without a second thought! _

Stumbling back through the door, he mumbled in horror, "I'm a monster…"

Gendo sat behind his desk, impassively observing the events. However, inside his mind was in complete disarray over the turn of events. Little did Shinji know that he repeated the same words that Gendo himself had said when he realized the path he was walking. _He's more like me than he knows…no…he can't be. He has to stay like his mother…not me. I cause too much pain to people and get the favor returned…he can't become like me…otherwise, my work…my aversion was for nothing. If he changes into what I am, he'll threaten the scenario…and should I fail to revive Yui…then Shinji might start my work again if he continues this path…Yui wouldn't have wanted that future for him. I wouldn't want that upon him. To be like me, where all I touch recoils and I recoil back…_

At times like these, the loss of his beloved wife was just short of unbearable. Yui was the only person who didn't hurt him or that he didn't hurt back by just being around her. Shinji was an extension of Yui to Gendo. He wanted to keep that last part of her that he had from being hurt.

* * *

_**Flashback…**_

Sniffling slightly as he brought his collar up higher against the cold wind, Gendo Ikari stood on ruins of the Antarctic base. He sighed at the fresh pain of leaving his son so soon after watching his mother's death. This would undoubtedly leave indelible and inveterate marks on the boy's fragile mind. _I failed Yui. I didn't protect her…or him. I just cause both of them pain. The thing is that nowadays all Shinji and I give each other is pain…I used to feel so happy around them when Yui was optimistically talking about the future. Now…I feel like a failure around him…he's so much like his mother. Shinji…is better off without me. I don't want to live with the shame for the rest of my life, knowing that I ruined his life…I already ruined Yui's…I poison everything I touch…Yui learned that too late when I failed to get her out of the entry plug that day…However, if I'm right about what SEELE is hiding, a scenario can come to fruition and I can-_

"Sir! We've found it!" A young technician shouted.

Feeling his pulse racing, Gendo rushed to see. _Yes…this is it…_

Later on the ship, Gendo was poring over the transcripts of the scrolls and the beginning of a plan was forming. _I-I can't believe it! I knew that the being we found was of ungodly power, but…could I really do this? I can see the clear line. From the despair we're in…to the brilliant future with Yui alive and well again…I owe this to Shinji…to bring his mother back…and to bring back the only woman I had ever loved…However…what I'll have to do! The line to follow! Could I do it? I'd have to be some sort of monster to do what is necessary for all our happiness'…I'm no moral paragon and I've made a lot of mistakes that led to people's deaths…but Yui…I couldn't bear to see her in pain…in disappointment of what I'll have done to get her back. And Shinji…undoubtedly for the scenario I'm imagining, he will be in such pain…but it could be worth all our pain for this…a perfect world of only us…_Gendo shook his head, baffled at the moral conflict. He was hardly the most ethical person other there, but he had a line that even he dare not crossed…however, ever since Yui's death, he felt himself getting so close to it with all that he had done for SEELE. Once again, he repeated. _I'd have to be some sort of monster…_

"Give me it," snarled a shadow from the doorway. Gendo's head jerked from his hands. How did an intruder get in?

"I…don't know what you're talking about," Gendo replied coolly.

"Don't act innocent. We've been tracking you for some time."

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're mistaken." Gendo stood up off his bunk and took one step before hearing the distinct click of a hammer being cocked.

"One more step…" warned the silhouette.

"You're obviously a man of ability if you were able to penetrate the ship security without even raising one alarm," Gendo drawled, heeding the words, but remaining as calm as he did when he was back on the ice. "Perhaps one wasted on the likes of the Japanese Interior Ministry."

The intruder gave an imperceptible start. "Where did you get that information?"

"Just a postulate that you just confirmed." Gendo smirked.

"Give me what you found!" demanded the unknown spy.

"I'm sorry, but…I'm afraid you're mist-" Gendo broke in mid-sentence to lunge at the man. In his experience, with situations like these, surprise is the one and only weapon that he had. The two struggled with the gun, desperately trying to gain control of it. A shot rang out. A body dropped to the ground. It wasn't the spy or Gendo's. It was the form of the young technician sprawled on the ground, blood leaking out of his temple. He had heard the commotion and come down to investigate. The unknown man was spooked and ran off before throwing his gun into the water through an open window. He couldn't be connected to the incident. Gendo gaped at the innocent he just killed, shaken to his core.

_I-I-I killed him. _While Gendo had gotten into numerous fights and scuffles, he had never killed anybody. Second impact hardly counted since to both Gendo and Yui, the sacrifice of the southern hemisphere and the environment was well worth compressing Adam to a smaller form. With Adam in a more readily studied form, they could study and derive inventions to benefit all of humanity. In the rationale of the people at GEHIRN, the people who were sacrificed hardly had lives to begin with considering all the turmoil in those regions leftover from European imperialism. Under the new research, they could lead the way for a brighter future for humanity and possibly space exploration for humanity's continued existence beyond Earth.

_I killed a man with my bare hands…all to continue the scenario that I don't even know that I'm going to continue with!...I'm disgusting…vile…a monster…_

A new insidious, selfish voice spoke. _That should make doing what is necessary even easier…_

* * *

_**Same day, outside the Movie Theater**_

Shinji leaned against the brick wall waiting. He glanced at his clock. It was something he was quite used to after two months, but he was always still nervous before going out with her. She was the one who (rather aggressively) insisted that he take her out, but not on an official 'date' per se. A social outing as it were for them to get to know each other better and for her to interact with the world at large. Shinji just figured that she might be a little embarrassed to be seen with him considering her reputation. It was still a surprise to Shinji that she chose him to be her escort on her outings, but she might have been embarrassed to be with him in public since she asked that he keep it secret. _Like any girl would want to be anything but friends with me…_Shinji thought self deprecatingly.

"Shinji," An unassuming voice said, interrupting his reverie.

He turned around and gave a small smile. A girl stood behind him wearing a simple white blouse and a conservative blue skirt that matched her hair.

"Hey Rei."

* * *

A/N: Not a lot of humor in here I know. Don't worry, the comedy will make a return, but at least you got some kung fu fighting, right? Also, Rei isn't going out with Shinji. The pairing is still up and it ain't fluff. The full explanation of Rei's approach will be in the next chapter. You'll note that Shinji is actually going in the opposite direction of what Kawahara described, but is walking the same one as Kawahara did. Shinji is being drawn to the harsh morality of utilitarianism, which will be immensely beneficial to his overall psyche, but it will strip him of a great deal of his happiness. Despite it all, I'm going to make Shinji sustain a core of compassion, so that makes his potential utilitarian guidelines even more painful. Shinji is just now discovering his capacity to be like and how much he already resembles his father. In short, Shinji is starting to find his dark side. Asuka will continue to have clashes of identity from what is expected of her to what she really is. I've changed a few details about Asuka's past. Here Asuka still pretends about the happy family, but in this case she doesn't speak to her parents much and stays with Kaji as a guardian. Also in case you're wondering a CPA stands for Certified Public Accountant and MPs refers to the Military Police. Since I've been neglecting Rei's development, the next chapter will heavily feature her, but Shinji will still be there. And the mystery of Dreamland will be unveiled a little.


	8. Steak It's what's for Dinner

Disclaimer: I do not own NGE or Kobe beef (unfortunately).

* * *

**Chapter 8**

**Steak. It's what's for Dinner.**

"You ever notice that the plug looks like a giant tampon?"

"…I beg your pardon?"

"Sorry…I got nervous and everything." Once again, Shinji was suffering from diarrhea of the mouth, a condition that afflicts many hormone riddled, teenaged boys. That particular observation had been on Shinji's mind for a considerable length of time. He never voiced it before because it just seemed socially inappropriate…well, until now.

"Okay." At this point, Rei had gotten used to Shinji's slip ups and constant anxiety. She usually eased his tensions by bringing up a philosophical topic. Ever since their first real conversation, their usual interactions consisted of awkward stuttering (Shinji), stony silence (Rei), and deep debate (both to their collective relief). Shinji just enjoyed having something to talk about, while Rei felt that their discussions were…informative. Rei often lacked the proper knowledge of social interaction or its underpinnings. "What does it mean to be alive?"

Recognizing Rei's attempt to comfort him (however strange it was), Shinji smiled gratefully. He then frowned, furrowing his eyebrows in thought for a good answer. Honestly, Shinji didn't know. For all his reading and hours of thought in his little room, Shinji never once came up with a good definition to be alive. For once in all his talks with Rei, he didn't have a reply. Shinji thought about cobbling together some half assed answer, but knew Rei was good at sniffing out intellectual bullshit, so he settled on the truth. "I don't know."

"I see." Rei didn't sound disappointed. She was almost relieved. So far, Shinji had given back nothing but clever ideas to which Rei was able to offer a view of her own. It seemed to just deepen the fact that the two had something in common. To Rei, having a common ground to stand with another person was something of a miracle. Rei wasn't an emotionless creature, but she simply refused and didn't know how to express them outwardly. When you were open and honest with what you really are, you get hurt. The commander was a perfect example of that. Up to that point the commander was the only one who could have any connection to Rei and the only role model in her life.

"Um…Rei."

"Yes, Shinji?"

"The movie is over. Y-you can let go of my hand now." Shinji uttered nervously.

"Oh, my mistake. I had forgotten to relinquish it." Rei said with a straight face before slackening her right hand on Shinji's. In truth, Rei didn't forget nor did she do it by accident. Before approaching Shinji, Rei consulted a number of psychology manuals in order to bring Shinji closer to her. One of them said that physical contact was a strong bonding tool. Rei had little concept of sexuality and she had observed other people their age just holding hands and looking so happy and close. His hand…felt warm.

"I-i-it's all right." Shinji had a burning question on the tip of his tongue that had been sitting there ever since Rei asked him to do this. He figured that after this much time, it wouldn't be awkward to ask. He steeled himself and took a chance. "Rei…why did you want me to hide our time together from Asuka and the rest?"

Rei stopped walking and stood with her back to Shinji. Why indeed…it had no significant operational relevance…

"I…was embarrassed."

"I see…" Shinji cast his gaze down, crestfallen at her words. "I'm sorry, Rei. I have to go. I haven't visited Ran this week, so…good bye. I hope you had a good time…"

_Just another convenient stand-in…she probably wanted ask my father. Instead she has to settle for his loser of a son…_

Trailing off, he walked away without another word. Rei's eyes never left his retreating back. What did she say? Why was he so offended? Feeling her emotions catch in her throat, her face remained as blank and clear as ever. No sign. No trace. She didn't want any more pain.

_And you think Shinji is going to hurt you?_

_Yes…no…I…don't know_

_So why hide? There's no one to hurt you if you express your emotions. No one who cares enough about you right?_

Rei made her way home and without realizing it slammed the door with enough force to shake the desk in the dingy, unsanitary room. There was the distinct sound of glass breaking. The red eyed girl glanced at the window and saw no breakage, but then looked on the floor. It was the Commander's glasses. They were broken into jagged pieces all over the floor. Feeling a distinct coldness in her right hand where she held Shinji's, Rei scrambled to gather the pieces, ignoring the new cuts caused from the edges of the glass.

* * *

Asuka shuffled sullenly across the street in a red dress that complimented her figure. Just another face in the sea of nobodies. On her shoulder was a small purse filled with only her wallet, cell phone, and NERV ID. That was all she needed. Hikari had set her up on a date and she was promptly disappointed. The boy in question were a nationally ranked student and a top athlete scouted by numerous universities, but Asuka still found him deeply boring. No matter how handsome or intelligent or funny her latest suitor was, Asuka was off somewhere else, staring at an unseen figure.

_Where's Shinji? He never seems to be around on Fridays…could he have a girlfriend?...nah…That part of Shinji will never change._ Asuka told herself, trying to maintain the illusion of Shinji's status as a wimp. Sighing, Asuka decided to call it quits and leave for home until she sighted a familiar boy. Shinji? What was he doing in New Harajuku? The boy looked rather plaintive from where Asuka could see, but suddenly he snapped into focus and strode with purpose towards the train station. Without a second thought, Asuka followed, making sure that he didn't notice her.

_What's a boring idiot like him doing sneaking around?_ Asuka mused, not taking notice of the fact that Shinji wasn't sneaking around and the irony that she was. She closely observed Shinji's expression which remained earnest and somber. At last Shinji got up to leave at a stop. Asuka swiftly fled the train just in time to see his figure disappear out the gates of the station. She hurriedly followed him, never thinking about how she was technically stalking him. Asuka tailed Shinji for at least four blocks before she saw where he was headed. It was a hospital. Was the idiot sick or something? She didn't see any injuries on him so why would he go to a hospital? Moreover, why such a swanky hospital? There was an actual Zen garden in the middle of the reception area and the décor was sterile but familiarly like a Japanese Teahouse.

Shinji walked up to the front desk and asked the attending nurse something. Asuka strained her ears from her hiding place behind the plants.

"I'm Shinji Ikari to see Ran Hinamoto in Room 331."

"I know. You've come every Friday for the past three months. In fact, I was the first nurse to let you up when she first came here."

"Oh, sorry. I-I just"

"And you were none too kind with that NERV badge of yours."

Shinji looked at her apologetically and guiltily. "I'm not family, so…"

The nurse smiled teasingly. "Because of you, she was able to get treatment here. No need for apologies."

Shinji blushed and rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. "C-can I go up now?"

She nodded and pointed to the elevators. When she turned back to her papers, a very pretty foreign girl of what she guessed to be fourteen or fifteen was right in her face.

"Y-yes? What can I do for you?"

"Let me up to Room 331."

It wasn't a request. It was a demand. Asuka punctuated her words by jabbing her NERV ID in the nurse's face.

"O-okay." The nurse glanced through her computer records. "Third floor."

Asuka didn't bother to thank her. She was about to find something that Shinji obviously didn't want anybody to find out. Asuka didn't know why she was zealously pursuing Shinji's personal life, but it was something.

Before she knew it, she was in front of Room 331. The door was ajar. Asuka could hear a voice. She leaned in to look through the crack. Shinji's back was to Asuka. He was sitting at the side of a bed. On the bed was a pretty girl who looked about 16. She was hooked up to a heart monitor and other machines meant to record her coma. However, that didn't capture Asuka's attention as much as the fact that Shinji was holding the comatose girl's hand.

Asuka was shocked. Since when did Shinji have a comatose girlfriend? _He has somebody? Why didn't I know about this?_

_You never asked…You didn't care…_

Her musing was interrupted by somebody speaking. It was Shinji.

"I'm sorry. I know that I've said that every time I've come here, but…I'm sorry. It's my fault that you were here. If I was just a little faster. If I was a little braver…," Shinji whispered in self reproach.

Asuka blinked, bewildered at his behavior. She knew Shinji was no stranger to self loathing, but guilt? _What does he have to feel guilty over? From the sound of it, Shinji probably didn't personally send her to the hospital. So why? Does he like this girl that much?_

Asuka clenched her fist at that last thought. At this point, she would be willing to admit a little possessiveness for her fellow pilot, but only in the way that a friend doesn't want another friend to leave of course. At least, this is what she told herself.

"You know…I'm writing a classical piece for you. I-I want to play it…when you finally wake up. It's not very good and only half way done right now, but…it's the only voice I have…" Shinji said in a small voice, desperately not trying to let his anxiety and doubts about her recovery show. His grip tightened over her limp, inanimate hand as though she were the only one in the world he had left. This was not the case as much as she was the only one in the world who he could feel truly comfortable and open with by virtue of being unconscious. He could tell her that he just murdered a schoolhouse full of children and she would still hold his hand…and not recoil from his touch.

Shinji still sat there in the same position for another half hour with Asuka still watching in stunned silence. At long last, Shinji stood up. Asuka jolted out of her reverie and jumped from the door to quickly hide behind a gurney. Shinji took no notice of anything as he walked out of the corridor.

Asuka stood from her crouch behind the gurney and slowly walked back to the train station, her thoughts in disarray. She didn't know what to make of the situation…only that there was a burning sensation in the back of her throat. It felt like the ones she'd get when she saw Kaji flirt with Misato.

* * *

_**The Next Day, NERV headquarters**_

The new employee was named Kaede Agano. Apparently she was there to extend their hand to hand combat skills against the Angels. However, they failed to realize the Angels really didn't have hands as much as weird…paper…things for arms or tentacles or giant laser beams. Come to think of it. If the Angels are supposed to be similar to humans, then what the hell was nature thinking with these things? Shinji mused on that for the entire ride to NERV when he was told to report for more training in the morning.

The gi felt a little uncomfortable. Artificial. Shinji knew perfectly well that when you were raring to hurt somebody, clothes didn't matter so long as you hit the other person.

"All right! Let's get started. I've read your files on what experience you have and I'd like to test it myself!" chirped the perky petite brunette.

Asuka grinned in anticipation of a good fight while Rei just looked blank as usual.

"All right. First up, Asuka!"

Asuka's grin grew wider. She jumped from her spot next to Shinji and quickly assumed a stance, anticipating a good fight. Unfortunately Asuka was mistaken. It was not a good fight at all. As sweet and petite as the woman looked, she was a beast in combat. Asuka was on her back (no off color jokes please) more times than she could count. With a sour taste in her mouth, Asuka was finally finished testing. Now it was Rei's turn.

Rei adopted a standard Tai Chi stance. Her balance was perfect. Shinji thought that the style fit Rei like a glove. Tai Chi Quan was an art that demands fluidity and smoothness, well suited for using finesse over raw strength. At the same time, it was also at odds with Rei's personality. This particular form emphasizes being merciful, but from what Shinji could see, Rei was the type to always go for the jugular.

Agano made the first move. She led with a palm strike, but Rei moved with the blow and threw her own.

Asuka and Shinji were surprised at Rei's display of expertise. They knew she had to be trained in some way, but to this extent was just breathtaking. Now Asuka felt like sparring with the pale girl to show her up.

"Finally, Shinji!"

Shinji walked stiltedly to the mat. He wasn't afraid as much as apprehensive. From what he could see, Kaede Agano was an extremely competent martial arts practitioner. He took a simple stance. He didn't know what the style was since Kawahara never told him, but the sheer act of taking it was enough to calm his nerves. It was something familiar where Shinji had taken on Kawahara! Agano was intimidating, but Kawahara was just terrifying. Shinji just wanted to end the fight as quickly as possible. He didn't like to fight. Not since…that incident.

Shinji didn't waste time and to everybody's surprise he threw a punch, but it was too slow. Agano easily dodged it, but Shinji already knew that she was fast, so he enacted a leg sweep at the same time as the punch. Agano fell to the ground in surprise. Shinji wasted no time in setting his foot against her throat. Asuka and Rei openly gaped in envy and shame (well Rei's eyes were a little wider…which still counts!) Of all of them, Shinji was the only one who actually downed the sensei for once. However, both Shinji and Agano knew that it was really more a matter of underestimation than pure ability. Agano was fully expecting a half hearted attempt with a little skill mixed in, but this full frontal, experienced assault came out of nowhere.

Kaede was delighted. "Where have you been learning? This isn't a style I've learned of yet."

Shinji shrugged embarrassedly before he lent a hand to help her up. "Mr. Kawahara's auto-shop and I don't know what the style is."

"This Mr. Kawahara is obviously very impressive! I might need to meet him. How long have you been training under him?"

"Um. Three months."

Now it was Kaede's turn to gape. Three months!? It took her at least a year before she got to where Shinji was when she started out.

"Wait, an auto-shop? I wasn't aware that they taught martial arts at auto-shops…things sure have changed since I was a kid," Kaede muttered.

"They don't. Mr. Kawahara did it as a favor for me."

"I see. When do you see him?"

"Uh…this afternoon. I work there." Shinji didn't like where this was going. It was the same feeling he got when Kensuke asked that fateful question those months ago.

"All the better! I'll come with! Unless you have any objections?" She asked innocently, her smile expressing a hidden death threat.

Shinji didn't think it was a good idea to refuse a woman who could kick his ass 8 ways from Sunday (a prime reason as to why he constantly kowtows to Asuka or Misato.)

"N-no," Shinji answered dejectedly, knowing that Kawahara would not be very pleased.

Now that burning feeling in Asuka's throat was just short of unbearable. She interjected, "Why are you so down? You embarrassed that you'll lose face or something?"

"Well I-uh, guh," Shinji stumbled over his words.

"I'm coming with too!"

Once again the reasonability of not pissing off a kickass woman raised its head again.

"…yes, ma'am."

"I too wish to see Shinji's training. It appears…effective and I would like to learn," Rei said quietly.

Wondergirl too!? Asuka was a little surprised that 'the doll' would try to come along.

In the end, Shinji had to bring all three of the girls to his work place…until Misato caught wind of this and attached herself along (to see what kind of man Shinji had as a role model now…not an especially good one, but better than most)

* * *

"Kid…you looking to create your own cheer squad or something?" Kawahara asked sardonically as he surveyed the group of attractive girls in front of him.

"Wh-what? No!" Shinji vehemently denied. "Th-they're from work!"

"You moonlighting at a modeling agency then?"

Shinji just barely held back a frustrated groan. "No! NERV!"

Kawahara stole another glance at the group. "…Your bosses do know that this is just one big sexual harassment suit waiting to happen?"

Shinji shrugged, not knowing what to say. At the entrance of the store, the ladies were deeply amused at the unexpected comedy of the two.

"Hi, I'm Misato Katsuragi, Shinji's guardian. That's Asuka Langley Soryu and that's Rei Ayanami. They're both pilots like Shinji. And that's their Karate instructor Kaede Agano. We wanted to see who you were," Misato introduced, pointing at each person.

"Didn't that dossier you have in your records tell you enough?" Kawahara asked glibly.

Misato was taken aback. She didn't expect that to just be thrown in the open.

"Expected that you did a background check on me. Normal paranoia, don't fault you. Undoubtedly there are a few blacked out sections you don't have access to. So naturally curious. Potentially dangerous? Coincidence of someone like me coming across your boy and then training him? See your point, no such thing as coincidence. Don't worry. No sleeper cell. Just someone with a past much like yourself…or doesn't your last name sound a lot like some fellow down in the Arctic?"

"Yes, that was my father," Misato said tersely, surprised at his analysis. The dossier did indeed have a lot on him, but the blacked out sections covered months or even years at a time. This practically screamed former black ops. And what did he mean by 'like yourself?'

Kawahara grunted and gestured for Shinji to go to the changing room for his jumpsuit to work. Shinji quickly complied, wanting to escape the tension. The group stood in silence for the next few minutes, waiting for Shinji to get in his jumpsuit. Kaede and Misato were silent because they were closely observing the man for any scrap of information as to Shinji's changes in the past few months. Asuka couldn't really think of anything to talk about. The biggest surprise was that Rei was the one who thought of something to ask.

"Is Shinji happy here?"

All of them took a collective blink of bewilderment. Of all the questions that they thought to be asked, Rei's was the most shocking. Since when was Rei interested in Shinji's welfare?

Kawahara stared frankly at the girl and answered, "Ask him yourself."

At this moment, Shinji walked back into the scene, still zipping up the last few inches of the suit. He stopped abruptly.

"What's going on here?"

"…Nothing," the girls chorused. Kawahara just shot Shinji a glare, demanding compensation for having stuck him with that group. Shinji looked back sheepishly and offered a weak smile.

"So, what's the job?"

"Nothing. We have to wait on delivery for parts before getting to work."

"What are we going to do then?"

"Spar."

_I have to fight…again…forget Shoujo, my life feels like Shonen. Misato's the hot sensei. The generic tough, gung ho guy is Toji. Rei's the creepy yet attractive emotionally distant girl. I would be the heroic buttmonkey. Asuka's the…scratch that. _ Shinji thought. He had had enough beat downs today. However, Murphy's Law just wasn't letting up. Soon Shinji found himself in the makeshift dojo that they had in the shop. It was a former, fairly large storage room. The girls were in the corner, watching very closely.

To Shinji's great relief, the day was soon over and Kawahara was done treating Shinji like his personal sand bag. Unfortunately for Kawahara, the parts hadn't arrived by day's end.

"Might need a word with that delivery company," Kawahara snarled, his eyes promising pain on the unfortunate receptionist who would receive his call.

"Thank you for your time," Asuka said, remembering her manners. Misato and Kaede had left on some alert that NERV gave to all technical personnel, while Rei had gone home shortly after Shinji's first fall to the ground.

Kawahara just grunted and waved his hand at the two teenagers to go. As soon as they were out of earshot, Asuka spoke up.

"Shinji, do you really spend time with him every day?"

"Yeah…why? Do you think he's bad or something?"

"No…he just seems…coarse." _Stoic enough to make Rei look like a real ditz. _

"He's rough around the edges, but he's taught me a lot."

"…Why don't you hang around the stooges more than this old fogey?" Asuka asked seriously. She was puzzled at why Shinji would enjoy the company of somebody whose idea of a conversation was a couple terse syllables strung across a few minutes.

"Like I said…I've learned a lot," Shinji said quietly, his mind on the violent encounters he's had and the lessons he was given.

_Wait, why did he change it to "learned" instead of "taught"?_ Asuka didn't press the issue though.

Looking for a distraction, Shinji remembered that neither of them had dinner yet.

"Hey Asuka, do you want to eat out today?"

"I want a steak," Asuka replied automatically, her Germanic roots showing.

"Eh…" Shinji was a little apprehensive over letting Asuka run rampant with his wallet (male intuition at its finest). "Fine."

Sensing weakness in the iron fortress that was Shinji's wallet, Asuka eagerly grabbed Shinji's hand and dragged him to the nearest steakhouse.

Within minutes, Shinji felt his wallet getting lighter and lighter with each flick of Asuka's eyes across the menu. He glanced at the menu and thanked whatever deity was out there that Asuka couldn't read Kanji very well, especially since Kobe beef was on the menu. Kobe beef is an incredibly high quality cut of beef where it can cost up to hundreds of dollars for a single steak of it. Shinji carried a decent amount of cash with him, but not that much.

Finally giving up reading, Asuka just ordered whatever she saw (and thankfully for Shinji nothing too expensive.) They sat in silence waiting for their meals. Shinji and Asuka looked around awkwardly, racking their brains for any good conversation topic. EVA? Too depressing. Family? Even more depressing. It took half an hour for the food to get to them, but each minute felt an hour to them.

Shinji was about to digging into his steak and a strange thought occurred to him. _Why would vegetarians refuse to eat meat? There's no point. There's hardly any environmental impact since the rest of the world is already so messed up. Cows have no other purpose in life don't they? Purpose is a human notion, so therefore we're the only ones who can determine it. Cows can't even think of it, so…But…if we can so easily give purpose to cows, then why do we struggle to find meaning for ourselves? It's supposed to be a cycle, but there is no equivalent exchange in life. _

"Asuka…what do you think about what it means to live?" This question had been bouncing around Shinji's head ever since the other night.

Philosophical debate? Asuka was nonplussed, but also a little pleased since according to Shinji, this was something he reserved exclusively for Rei.

"Finding something to fight and do it," Asuka said succinctly.

"Fight? I don't think you always have to have an enemy…" Shinji replied uncertainly, both surprised and not surprised by Asuka's world view.

"Whole world is full of things that'll rub you the wrong way. Just gotta pick one and stick with it."

"Why can't we just learn to live with them?"

"Typical wimpy Shinji. Well how else are we supposed to know anything's valuable if it's not worth fighting?" Asuka quipped nonchalantly.

Shinji paused before replying with any sort of articulate answer. "Life is pain. We have regrets regardless of how hard we try. If we try to take on just one regret or pain so aggressively, we just end up with more suffering than we started with…We become obsessed. And consumed by it all." _Like father…_Shinji left unspoken.

Asuka didn't let her reaction show, but Shinji's insight was surprisingly pessimistic and optimistic at the same time. She still stood by her belief, but Shinji rattled it a little, so she gave the only response she could at the moment.

"What else is there then?"

Shinji didn't have an answer or rather he had an answer, but it wasn't the one he wanted. Luckily, a waiter interrupted his reverie.

"Is everything to your satisfaction for you and your date?"

"Wh-what!?" Shinji and Asuka simultaneously exchanged embarrassed glances.

"No! I-I-I, she's not my date!" Shinji stuttered.

"Why would you think that _I _would go out with _him_?!" Asuka all but shrieked.

_Yet another girl who doesn't like going out with me…you know one of these days I might actually give into the rumors of me being queer if this keeps on going…_Shinji thought to himself dejectedly.

"Oh. My apologies." The waiter swiftly left, a little more embarrassed.

Shinji and Asuka avoided each other's gaze for the rest of the meal and quickly paid the bill. As they walked home, Asuka quietly said something that she thought that Shinji didn't hear. Shinji did in fact hear it and it was something he never would have expected Asuka to say to anybody in a million years.

"Thank you."

It's odd how just a few syllables can convey so many meanings. The sheer brilliance and idiocy of humanity made verbally. Shinji smiled and almost mockingly said in the same low tones as Asuka, "Sorry."

Asuka heard and smiled a little before starting off on another tirade about how cheap Shinji was. Business as usual.

* * *

_**Seven Days Later at School**_

Shinji tapped his laptop lightly, reading about the North American Revolution. It wasn't part of the curriculum, but Shinji got bored with hearing about Japanese history and Second impact all the time. He then came across a summary of the reading of the Declaration of Independence.

"In Philadelphia, at Independence Hall, a historic moment occurred on July 8, 1776 when John Nixon read the Declaration of Independence aloud to a group of fellow colonists. The group stormed inside the Hall and burned the King's Coat of Arms to signify the beginning of their freedom."

Shinji stared at the words thoughtfully, churning over what he just read. Independence was something that Shinji had never really felt. Loneliness. Sure. But Shinji knew enough about the concept to know that independence and being alone were two things entirely. Independence meant that you knew who you were. You were secure and safe inside, but perfectly functional with society. In other words, you were your own person.

"Oy Shinji! It's lunch!" Toji enthusiastically shouted. Indeed, if eating were a class, Toji would probably have gotten several doctorates in it before the day was out.

"And I'm selling more pictures today!" Kensuke said a little quieter, surreptitiously glancing around for any prying ears.

Shinji smiled faintly and decided to ignore all the troubles that plagued him at the moment. He closed the laptop and quickly followed after Toji and Kensuke to make sure that Asuka didn't catch them (Shinji didn't want to drag them to the hospital by himself). Unbeknownst to Shinji, Asuka was watching the trio very closely. She already knew about the photos and was planning to deal with that later, but her concern was watching a certain wimp. He was avoiding her ever since that night (a hard task to do in that small apartment, but by god Shinji persevered) and it just nagged at her that he was ignoring her.

_I guess I now know why he looks a little gloomier every Friday…what did he mean by it's his fault though?_ Asuka didn't think Shinji was the type to smack women around. She didn't want to ask him directly either. He seemed so sad and yet so hopeful when she first saw him holding that comatose girl's hand. _I wonder if he does it as a courtesy…_ Asuka quickly discarded that thought. Shinji was a lot of things, but irrational to that point was not one of them. Another thought struck her then. _If I was in that state, would Shinji care enough to come every week like he does her?_

Asuka expected a reply from her little voice, but there was none.

Later that day, Shinji would also go out with Rei for their usual outing, but both of them seemed more distracted than usual. Rei left earlier than Shinji for home, but Shinji decided to wander New Harajuku more before leaving for the hospital.

Shinji whistled as he walked to the train station, but stopped when he saw a music store. A song was playing from the store speakers. It was pre-second impact. It sounded so familiar. Until it hit Shinji what it was and how it struck such a chord with him. It was "As Tears go by" by the Rolling Stones. With new vigor, Shinji strode to the train.

* * *

_**At the Hospital**_

Rei stood silently, almost as if in vigil for the pure act she was about to commit. The pristine task that would vindicate all her discomfort and labor. In the deathly quiet hospital room, there were only two warm, breathing bodies. However, only one of them was living. Red eyes were trained balefully on the peacefully sleeping form. This…this…is what started Shinji's deviation.

Do what is necessary. This was the constant thought. Not that she'd ever admit but Rei was desperate. It seemed almost inconceivable that the phlegmatic young woman would ever beg for anything. However, Rei was not just the pilot or the tool or even the doll as Asuka had claimed so often. She was human and it hurt so much that Rei had to stay true to the titles imbued to her. Anything was better than being in pain. Than being human. When she did acknowledge her humanity, it was to simply dwell on the desire for her to die once her purpose was gone. Instrumentality was something that Rei both embraced and loathed. Rei had always wanted to create bonds and share her feelings, but in another way she was repelled. She didn't know why, but the part of her that was human detested the concept of having its 'free will' taken away and everything staying in utter blissful stagnation.

The necessary thing to do here was to end this harlot. To stop it from dividing his loyalties and destroying his bonds for new ones. Change was the enemy here.

Rei pulled a small syringe from her pocket. It was just filled with air. She took the comatose girl's arm and the point hovered just an inch above her skin. A minute passed. Two minutes. _Why am I hesitating? I do not know this girl. I should not care about her life. I will not be arrested or discovered…so why do I not take action?_

_Because Shinji would disapprove. He does not condone violence or pain. _

_There will be no pain. Just a dreamless casting away. As for violence, there is significant evidence that Shinji is capable of it._ Rei thought back, her mind on the reports of his defending Asuka or even in the EVA.

_Yes…but you see how it hurts him. You will be hurting Shinji if you kill this girl. _

_It is for a greater good. _

_Yours? _

…_No. The Commander's of course. He is my only bond to humanity. He is the only one who can relate to me. I cannot abandon it. _

_And Shinji counts for nothing? _

_I…This is not the matter at hand. I must end this distraction. I must for…the scenario. _

Steeling herself, she felt for a vein and plunged the needle into the unsuspecting flesh. Her face was as blank as it ever was. Utterly void of any emotion, thought, or will. Of sadness. The deed was done. Rei capped the needle again and stuffed it into her pocket to be disposed at a more discreet location after wiping it clean of any DNA or fingerprints. She hurried to the door to leave when she heard a familiar voice. Shinji. Glancing around for a hiding place, Rei sighted the empty space under the bed which was just large enough to hide her slender form.

Shinji walked into the empty room, wearing the same self pitying expression as he did the first time he visited. Seeing the girl in this condition made him feel guiltier with each passing day_. Why…why does God let us do this to each other? Hurt and kill and defile. Always in motion. Always in pain…What design is this?_

_There is none. God is just like us…He doesn't care. It's none of his concern. He's God, why should he cater to pathetic little cretins like us? Why should he even give a design? There are only us. To possess all the horror and all the joy. To stare back at each other. Abyss to abyss_…His little voice answered.

_I…I can't believe that…if that's true then why would the Angels come?_

_Our design. Our fault. Whatever fingerprints of a deity on this universe…they don't matter anymore. This world is blank…left to us to write our own morality..._

_So what do I do?_ Shinji demanded.

_What every human does…write your design._

_No…there has to be a plan! There has to be_…Shinji weakly thought to himself, trying to convince himself of this. If there was a plan, then it meant that it wasn't his fault. It meant that he didn't have any responsibility.

He reached out for Ran's hand like he always did on these visits and it jerked away from him. Shinji was shocked. Ran was conscious! ...But she was in pain!

"Nurse!!!" Shinji screamed.

Minutes later, Rei calmly walked outside the hospital and made it to the next newsstand on the corner. It was raining.

_I…It hurts…why? A tool…I…cannot touch. Cannot sense. Cannot live…this rain tastes like…salt_

It was then that Rei noticed that she was crying and leaned against the flimsy wooden wall for support. _Do I wish to die…?_

To her surprise, the answer was a resounding no.

As she stared at the doused streets, she knew that she was alive.

As he stood outside the hospital, Shinji stared at the falling droplets, desperately searching for an answer. Some meaning. Some reason for all the pain he had to take and all the horrors in the world. At last he came to resolve on the one terrible conclusion. There was none. _If there is no reason…then why should I fight? Why should I do anything if it just ends in more pain? God…He has forsaken us…there was no 'He' to forsake us to begin with. We're not hellish monsters, but so often we become these monstrosities…these caricatures of real people._

_Write your own design. You are God here._ Whispered the little voice.

Pausing a moment to think it over, he noticed his hands. Shinji glared plaintively at his shaking hands as if their very presence offended him. _All these hands can do is hurt. I ended up hurting Ran more instead of saving her. I'm…not meant to heal…my design…what is __**my **__design?_

Often rain is mistaken as a purifier to wipe the soul clean of all its evil and sin. This is wrong. Sin and evil cannot be removed. It is eternal. Rain only dilutes it…but it's a step. A step in the right direction.

_What else do I have? Who else do I have…who won't judge me?_ Shinji thought to himself like the scared, lonely child he was deep down.

There was no life on that little street of Tokyo 3.

* * *

A/N: You know, I'm a little sick of deconstructions. We all gotta pick apart everything and point out its flaws. Usually, I'm fine with that, but the way authors and directors go about it, it just makes the story unnecessarily grim and dark. And then they go on to claim that it's edgy and cool. They really fail to realize that edgy can become the norm and then we keep pushing until our expectations of a good book or movie could potentially always has to include something like infanticide or bestiality. I want to go for a sober story with all the nice bittersweet quirks of life blended in…like how reality really is. Life isn't one big orgy of pain and chaos where the only solution is either insanity or incessant hedonism. But it's not rainbows and sunshine spun on a magical harp either. Authors have always tried to address that for ages and this is only my spin on it. And for those of you who think Freudian psychology is going to be prominent here: it's not happening. There will be some for flavor, but overall this'll be closer to modern interpretations of Abnormal Psychology, Cognitive Psychology, and a dash of Behavioral. For instance, Rei's whole Thanatos thing just doesn't work in any human or animal for that matter. The 'death drive' doesn't exist. There are numerous studies about humans fearing death over pain, not the other way around. I won't give too much away though. Mystery is a little something we all love in our stories, right?

Also, I've been thinking of writing a little romantic comedy just to relieve my gloominess I anticipate from writing this story's future. I don't want to fall into a big ol' funk like that genius Hideaki Anno. I might write better, but at the cost of sanity?...Eh, I think I'll stay mediocre. Nothing raunchy and nothing fluffy though. And by rom-com I mean something along the lines of "When Harry met Sally" or "500 days of summer". Stuff with genuine lessons attached. What do you guys think? Go or no go? Till then, good night.


	9. Old Bastards

Disclaimer: I do not own NGE or Gundam Wing. Don't worry it's not a crossover.

* * *

**Chapter 9**

**Old Bastards**

Shinji toyed with his food a little. Misato and Asuka didn't speak up about it. They knew what happened. It's been three weeks since her death, but Shinji was still dealing with it. It was the second real death he's had to deal with and even then he never knew how to deal with the first one. Father never taught him how to. Maybe, father didn't know either.

Asuka intently chewed on her rice, but she kept a close eye on Shinji out of her peripheral vision. She could never forget the day that the girl died. Not for the death itself, but out of Shinji's reaction to her death.

________________

_**Flashback**_

The door closed softly with a quiet little click. Asuka leaned against it for a moment and sighed. Another failure of a date. She didn't know what her deal was with those guys. They were perfect. They were _men._ And yet…she wasn't content with that. She thought that guys like Kaji, full of mystery and suave, were something that she was looking for, but the last couple dates she had proved her wrong. Asuka was just about to walk to her room when she noticed music playing. It was a cello.

Striding up to the living room, Asuka saw Shinji playing with his back to her and facing the screen door. It was an extremely good piece and it sounded familiar. The strange thing was that it wasn't classical. She waited patiently for him to finish, but…he didn't. Ten minutes passed and yet Shinji showed no sign of finishing. He just kept repeating the same song over and over and over again. On the fourth repitition, she walked in front of Shinji and jerked back in horror. On closer inspection, his arms were trembling with the effort of supporting the bow. His hand was purple from the death grip he had on the bow and the hand holding the neck of the cello was holding it so tightly that blood had been dripping down its length.

"Shinji!" Asuka frantically grabbed the cello and struggled to get it out of Shinji's hands. After a minute's labor, his grip finally slackened and Asuka tugged it out. Ignoring the sting in her own hands, Asuka shouted, "What the hell are you thinking, idiot!!??"

Shinji didn't answer. He looked catatonic with his arms limply at his sides and a vacant stare. He looked a lot like…

Asuka shook her head and refused to relate the two together. She tried again to get an answer from him and grabbed his collar to get a closer look at his face. At last, Shinji finally spoke in a cracking voice, "She's dead."

"Who?"

"Ran." Shinji began trembling and tears ran free down his cheeks. "She died right in my arms…and I-I couldn't do a damn thing. I just held her for all the good that did. Th-the nurse was too late and the only one at the floor was a new intern. _They_ couldn't do anything. Like she was meant to die…after everything I did to keep her alive…sh-she"

At this point, Shinji broke down in Asuka's arms and clung onto her as though she were the only in the world who could comfort him. To her surprise, she didn't recoil and embraced him back. She patted his back soothingly and ignored his blood on her blouse. Several minutes later, Asuka whispered, "We need to go to a hospital to check your hand out."

Shinji reacted violently. He jerked away from her arms and pressed himself against the wall. "No! No hospitals!"

"All right. All right," Asuka said, trying to calm him down. "I'll call Dr. Akagi to check it out."

It didn't take long for Ritsuko Akagi to come. Misato caught wind of Shinji's injury when Asuka called and came along. Ritsuko looked rather windswept as she entered in the door (no doubt that Misato drove).

"Shinji! Are you all right?" Misato asked.

Shinji didn't answer. He was still sitting against the wall when they arrived. His eyes were dry now. However, Asuka would have preferred it if he was crying because now he was just blank. There was no trace of emotion in those eyes. It was as though he had spent up every last bit of his potential to emote or feel.

"Shinji…?" Misato repeated hesitantly.

Shinji gave an answer. "Don't fix my hands."

"Why?" Ritsuko was shocked that the boy refused medical attention. From the looks of the lacerations, Shinji must have been in an extraordinary amount of pain.

"I don't deserve to rule over people's lives like that."

Rule over? What the hell was the boy talking about?

"Shinji…" Misato started.

Shinji glared. This wasn't something that Misato was too surprised about, but the intensity and dead lack of emotion was something that chilled her to the bone. It was almost like she was looking into the eyes of a whole different person…or maybe just a side she hadn't seen yet.

"Haven't you noticed? Everything I touch, dies. No matter how hard I try. No matter how much I try to change. _It_ never changes. So what use am I other than for killing? That's all I can do. That's all you ever needed from me! A tool! You got what you wanted!"

Shinji broke into hysterical giggles. No tears came though. In fact, his eyes remained glassy and lifeless. The women could only stare in horror at this shadow of a man and echo of a boy.

"A weapon…" Shinji clenched his bleeding hands into fists, blood trickling even faster on the hardwood floors. _What is my design? What __**can**__ I do…I have to be a killer…that's all I can do…_ His head snapped up to stare Ritsuko directly in the eyes. "I take it back…Fix my hands…"

Ritsuko nodded and quickly averted her gaze before patching up his hands. _Christ. It's like looking into the Commander's eyes…_

Shinji didn't make one sound even when the alcohol was poured to disinfect. He only stared at the cello on the floor. The neck was snapped clean off and the bowstring was torn.

Asuka covered her mouth in horror. For once, she didn't know what to do. Usually, she would know how to act decisively in any circumstance, but when the chips were down and her friend was in pain, she couldn't deal. Though Asuka would deny it, she felt helpless.

Misato was in the same boat. She didn't know what to do. When she first took Shinji in, she thought that he just needed to get out of his shell. Instead she just let things go this far until Shinji was practically gone. Not physically gone, but mentally and spiritually. She could only watch in fright at how rapidly Shinji was growing up…and the thing was that she didn't know _what_ he was becoming. A man? A hero? A crackpot? A soldier? Or worst of all maybe all of those things and more.

Ritsuko was finished. Shinji stood up as soon as it was over and walked into his room as though nothing had happened. They all exchanged glances saying the same thing: we need to talk.

"Why is Shinji in this state?" Misato demanded. Ritsuko nodded in agreement with the question.

"Some girl he was visiting in the hospital died. He called her Ran," Asuka answered blandly, still dazed over what she just heard.

"That girl he saved." Misato had read the intelligence reports, but chose not to talk to Shinji about it.

"That does explain a lot," Ritsuko piped up, finally speaking in this.

"Well duh. The kid's traumatized!" Misato shot back. "But that doesn't matter right now. How the hell are we going to get him back to normal?"

"Do we want to?" Ritsuko said contemplatively.

"What?" Asuka demanded, not liking the way the conversation was turning. Why _wouldn't_ they want him back to normal?

"Think about it. If we can stabilize him a little, then he would be invaluable as a pilot."

The two other women stood in stunned silence.

"Are you saying that we just let him continue thinking that he's some monster? Not. Happening," Misato growled through gritted teeth.

"This isn't a matter of emotion. We have an opportunity here. No offense, Asuka, but Shinji is the most experienced and successful pilot that we have. And that was when he was running with panic and fear. Imagine what he could accomplish if he was genuinely determined and unafraid. With this he could become mentally prepared to deal with every Angel with utter ruthlessness and efficiency. Think about this," Ritsuko repeated. "The Angels could finally all be defeated and this war will be over with."

_But at what cost?_ Asuka thought. She might not have liked it, but Shinji was good at killing Angels. If he could do that much under panic and no training, imagine what he could do with his current abilities and mental state…but Asuka felt something strum across her stomach. She looked to Misato for support, but found none. Misato was in fact looking thoughtful and mulling over the prospect.

"Misato! You're not seriously considering this! Shinji needs help!" Asuka was shaken. She understood that Misato was supposed to be tactical commander but to condemn a child like that was just short of monstrous. Even Asuka had her limits on how much she was willing to do against the Angels. When it was just straight up constant training and fighting of their own consent, she was down for it, but sacrificing somebody like that was nothing short of inhuman. Shinji wasn't expendable. He wasn't collateral. He was--…what was he? What was he to _her_? A friend? No. Asuka had to admit that he was closer than just a mere friend. Certainly not a romantic interest…right?

Misato could only offer a searching look. The purple haired captain knew that in war, everything was collateral when the chips were down, so why should that be any different for a child? And the ultimate objective here was to kill every last one of the monsters that killed her father, right? However, another side of her that lived with Shinji for that past year was horrified at the concept of treating him like some object. Some pawn. Then again, was Shinji still a child at this point?

"Yes he does…but after this war is over."

Misato had made her decision. The monsters needed killing. With all Shinji had to go through, for him to have retained a modicum of innocence would be nothing short of divine intervention. He was no longer a child. Ritsuko nodded tightly in agreement, a little less sympathetic to Shinji's plight than Misato, but still intensely aware of the ethical tightrope they were treading on.

Asuka could only stare in growing disgust of what was happening.

_**End Flashback**_

* * *

The chair scraped as Shinji pushed it back. He was done eating. The apartment door closed with a soft click.

"Misato…we haven't talked to him in weeks…" Asuka felt so ashamed for caving into their demands. However, if she didn't, she would have been replaced by Rei and placed into standby for the rest of the battles. Like Rei, EVA was something that Asuka defined her life by. Not by the purpose of fighting, but the byproduct of that fighting. The fame and the glory. The acknowledgement that let her know that she existed. She didn't want to fade away.

Misato avoided Asuka's gaze. She too felt ashamed for not helping Shinji in his time of need, but if he was to become the weapon they needed, they couldn't coddle him. "He can bear it…"

_But…I might not_ Asuka left unspoken. With each passing day Asuka struggled just a little more to look in the mirror and like what she saw.

* * *

Shinji prowled quietly out to the noisy street. The laughter of all those people was almost unbearable to Shinji. It seemed like bitter benediction that they would share their joy with the rest of the world by laughing. The only reason that they could ever do it was because of him…and yet there was no appreciable reward. Why did he always go through this every time? Was it for them? Why should he care for them?

He passed by a group of schoolgirls. They giggled and stole glances at him as they passed. Shinji didn't bat an eye. It wasn't that he wasn't interested. He was conflicted. He cared about their opinions, but why did he? It wasn't just hormones. Shinji knew very well when something was hormones after the time spent around all the women in his life. In Shinji's eyes, there was no point in getting agitated since he had no chance. However, the yearning for approval was still there. _I'm someone who hurts others. The best thing I can do is just to stay away, but I'm so disgusting for wanting to get closer. I realize this…but I wonder why I have to always want others to acknowledge me. _

Shinji stopped by a music store. It was the same one he passed on that awful night. Hesitating a moment, he walked in. Shinji expected there to be just albums, but there was a whole selection of instruments. It was odd to see even classical instruments there. At that point Shinji read the name of the store: Sum Ergo Sum. Shinji could read it, but couldn't understand it. It read like English and yet it was completely incomprehensible. The first thing Shinji noticed upon entering was that the store was seemingly small, but on closer inspection, it was massive. It could have easily held half a football stadium.

He wandered around the store, ignoring the other customers and they responded in return. Shinji had been in a lot of music stores before and this one was easily the most eccentric he had ever encountered. There was the typical mainstream music (popular foreign music, J-Pop, etc.), but there was also loads of obscure and unknown artists placed right next to the popular music. The customers were giving an equal listen to the seldom heard music as well as the new stuff. It's not a generalization to say that most stores went with what was familiar, but the strategic placement of the obscure next to the known actually drew in customers to music that they normally wouldn't give a second glance to. Normally, music store owners focused on making the most profit over what was fair to the artists. However, in this case the owner seemed to have thoughtfully given no special attention to one artist. In a way it was like he or she was paying respect to the musicians who worked so hard. And the strangest thing of all? The store also sold instruments from every genre there was practically. Saxophones, pianos, violas, you name it, the store had it. Shinji stopped short in front of one.

It was a cello. He hadn't played ever since Ran had died. His arm was automatically outstretched before he knew it. He stopped as soon as he saw his hand. _What can I do? I make pain. Not music…I'm just silly. A silly little boy with silly little delusions…_

He was about to walk out when he saw someone he hadn't seen for weeks listening to a music sample in the 70s section.

"Mr. Kawahara?"

Kawahara glanced and slowly took off the headphones he was listening to.

"You haven't been to work lately."

"Yeah…" Shinji wanted to tell Kawahara, but at the same time, he was afraid. If Kawahara thought that less of Shinji for being a killer, then he couldn't be able to bear it. He already lost someone important…he couldn't stand losing another.

"You want to get some lunch?"

* * *

Asuka stirred her straw through the thick milkshake as Hikari took tentative slurps of her own drink and tried to think of a good way to broach the subject. The freckled girl opened her mouth.

"Don't ask. I'm not allowed to tell," Asuka said flatly. She knew that she was less cheerful these days and it was obvious that she was avoiding Shinji.

"I-I-I wasn't going to ask. I mean about whatever you think I was asking," Hikari stuttered.

"If you don't know what I thought, then how do you know that you weren't asking?"

"I-I"

"It's okay. I'm sorry I've been so bitchy lately. I…I." Asuka fell silent and went back to stirring.

Hikari could only think of just trying to get Asuka's mind off of whatever it was that was eating her. "Did you see those shoes on sale in Matsuki's?"

"Yes!" Asuka said, animated and distracted from her dilemma.

"Did you see those straps? They. Are. Gorgeous!!" Hikari squealed.

"I know. I wish I could buy them!"

"Don't you have some money?"

"Most of it is managed in a portfolio. My _step_-mother insisted and my father agreed. Said I was too young for so much money," Asuka huffed.

"That sucks."

"I know!" Asuka agreed with an excited nod, finally taking a slurp of her drink.

"Speaking of sucks, how about that new movie coming out?"

"I don't know. I think that another Gundam movie would be pretty cool. No deep thinking. Just kickass piloting. Of course _they_ can't compare to _my_ piloting in real life!"

Hikari was about to speak when she noticed two people walking in. One was a grizzled old man and the other…

"Hikari, why did you go quiet?" Asuka turned around to see what she was staring at.

Shinji was just 10 feet away from her.

"Hide!" Asuka ordered. She slid to the middle of the booth and slouched before hiding behind a menu. Hikari followed suit.

"Why are we in an American restaurant?"

"I lived in America for a time. Became a citizen. Liked some of the food."

Sensing that he wasn't going to offer any more explanation, Shinji sighed and looked around. Luckily for Asuka and Hikari, there were plenty of other customers so they didn't stand out. Coincidentally, they chose the booth right next to the hidden girls. They quickly ordered. Kawahara ordered a burger, well done. Shinji didn't really care much for it, so he followed suit.

"So…" Kawahara started. "Why haven't you been coming to work?"

Asuka and Hikari leaned a little closer to hear, more than a little curious about Shinji's response.

"Ran died," Shinji answered blandly.

Asuka's breath caught in her throat and the burning returned. This matter-of-fact reply caught Kawahara off-guard. He wasn't unfamiliar with someone he knew to die, but it still stung whenever it happened. "How?"

"Doctors say a pulmonary embolism. Apparently one of the nurses wasn't very attentive and they caught it too late." Shinji gripped his glass of water tighter.

Kawahara cast a critical eye on Shinji as he examined both the boy and the circumstances under which Ran died. First of all, her death just struck him as suspicious. There was no proof but some intuition told him that not everything was on the level. He recognized some of the shock that Shinji was going through. Survivor's guilt all bundled up with some depression, but there was something else buried there. Something that Kawahara couldn't quite put his finger on, but he was sure that he had seen it somewhere in his time in the military.

"I'm sorry."

"No. You're not. You hardly knew her." Shinji didn't know why he snapped like that, but the frustration was just building in him over time until he was willing to lash out at anybody.

"What?" Kawahara was taken aback. When did that meek kid he took in get so bitchy?

"You heard me. People always say that they're sorry for other's pain, but they never actually are. It's not that they don't care…it's that they don't understand."

"You got people who understand. What about those girls you live with?"

Shinji mulled over his reply. "They…have nothing to do with me. They don't _want_ anything to do with me."

The burning in Asuka's throat now spread to the skin of her neck. Did Shinji really think that?

"Haven't you lived with them for over a year now? I would think that it count for something."

"Well. It doesn't. Doesn't mean a damn thing to any of them. They just avoid me like some leper," Shinji said flatly, his tone silently agreeing with their supposed sentiments. "Maybe they should…what am I to them other than some gun they can point for their own purposes? All I'm good for…"

At this, Kawahara froze. Those were the same words that haunted him when he was a young man still trying to find his place in the world. Now he knew why that gleam in Shinji's eyes was so familiar. He had seen the same one stare back at him from a mirror 14 years ago. He offered only a few concise blunt words. Ones that if he heard back in his youth, it would've let him make better choices.

"Spare me."

Shinji's head snapped up at this, incensed at his insensitivity. He was used to the man's abrasive attitude, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Shinji stood up.

Kawahara however was having none of it. He glared with such intensity that his will was almost palpable. "Sit. Down."

Shinji quickly sat, his anger not forgotten, but temporarily cowed.

Kawahara paused for a moment as he saw the waitress come with their orders. It was quiet while the dishes clacked onto the table, but he didn't start until she was well out of earshot.

"Shinji…you're being delusional."

Shinji looked nonplussed.

"Hear me out," Kawahara continued. "You think you failed her…don't you?"

Seeing the boy nodded immediately, Kawahara grimaced and said, "And you did."

Shinji looked away dejectedly, but was interrupted from his oncoming brooding.

"By putting it all on yourself."

That was a comment that Shinji didn't expect.

"People die. Whether by design or cosmic injustice, it doesn't matter. It happens. And you're left alone to pick up the pieces…am I right?"

Shinji nodded again, but more thoughtfully this time.

"You come to hate it. You look for anything, anyone to blame…and the fact that you blamed yourself tells me that you're one of the biggest dumbasses I've ever met…but also one of the best men. Only a good man would try and take responsibility for things that he would consider to be his fault…no matter how horrible. But not necessarily the smartest."

"I'm _not_ good though. I killed her the moment I entered her life. All I bring is pain. With EVA, with my father, with everyone who's had contact with me!" Shinji spoke with his voice just loud enough to make his point, but not enough to disturb anyone. His lower lip trembled. He bit it in an effort to not cry.

_Now I'm sure that he's like me, God help him._ Kawahara waited until Shinji managed to keep himself under control. "Pain is not death. And you're an idiot to think that you bring nothing but pain. You've gotten a big head from your fights. You seem to think that you _can_ harm anybody. Not that you want to, you're no sociopath. And you take it all on yourself to handle despite the fact you _know_ it isn't your burden to bear. This is the exact antithesis of a sociopath. Quite frankly, you sound like some lameass stereotype Shonen hero. Listen closely, Shinji. Get over yourself."

Shinji felt hurt. He developed a thick skin from Asuka and at this point he was used to Kawahara's glib remarks, but this was something that stung. However, Shinji knew that it rang of truth and that he couldn't dispute it in any way. _Is Kawahara right? Am I just being self centered? But…it was my fault she was hurt…wasn't it?_

"It's good that you're taking responsibility for your actions…but don't take responsibility for the actions of others. Don't be a martyr."

Kawahara knew the type Shinji could become. Shinji needed to grow up normal otherwise there was a massive chance that he could either become like what he was before, an impassive, cold soldier or worse a hero with a God complex. In any case, Shinji undoubtedly had the chops to become great and go down in history books. Kawahara had seen too many men like that rise, but Shinji was a special kind. The kid was a rare sort who had a budding sense of personal morality and responsibility peeking out. If he continued to develop this way, Shinji could actually lead a good normal life or become one of the few truly great men in history. At that moment, Kawahara resolved to have Shinji raised to live on his own terms. He knew that he had no right to interfere in the rapidly growing child's life, but he knew all too well that Shinji was still vulnerable to manipulation. Kawahara didn't want to see Shinji forced to be something that he wasn't deep down.

"Now we should eat before the food gets cold."

Shinji nodded numbly and slowly reached for the burger.

* * *

"Okay. I think I've got it. Attach wire D into socket L and then solder-"

"Answer me this first…_Why_ are _we_ setting up _your_ sound system!!??" Makoto screamed.

They had been at Shigeru's apartment for four hours now, helping him set up what he deemed "The Most Awesomely Spectacular Entertainment System that Could Even Surpass Sex!" However, no matter how orgasmic the experience promised to be, they were getting frustrated with the truly moronic instruction from the start up manual.

"Dude…" Shigeru drawled. "This is a _guy_ thing. We drink and play with power tools!"

"Speaking of which, why did we need the chainsaw?"

"Why _wouldn't_ we need the chainsaw? Now I don't want you talking about Betty that way ever again."

"I…you know, just forget it," Makoto said exasperatedly, giving up.

"Um…why am I here then?" Maya said shyly, raising her hand as if in elementary school. "I'm not a guy."

"You're an honorary one…and we figure we can safely talk and objectify girls around you."

"What!?" The timid bridge bunny shrieked. "Wh-why would you think that?"

"Well…since you always seem to work closely with Dr. Akagi, we kinda figured…" Makoto trailed off.

"It's all right. You're with friends," Shigeru said soothingly, oblivious to the oncoming hurricane. "It's okay to admit it."

"Admit. What?" Maya said icily, her eyebrow twitching with suppressed rage. The petite brunette was ready to blow (mostly because they were only _half_ right…)

"Whoa! Calm down. We're just joking," Makoto lied. Shigeru swiftly nodded to avoid an eruption of Mount Maya.

"All right then. Now who wants a beer?" Maya said cheerfully, switching moods faster than the eye could blink.

_Holy shit. That's scary._ The two men thought collectively, as they both shakily raised their hand for one.

"Now where were we?" Maya said as she brought back more alcohol from the fridge.

"Drinking and power tools," Makoto swiftly said before Shigeru could say the wrong thing and have Maya commit manslaughter for the first time.

Maya just giggled (which creeped the men out a little more). "No. Before that."

"Oh uh, right we were talking about the pilots," Shigeru's alcohol infused brain remembered.

"About their childhood!" Maya enthusiastically recalled.

"I gotta tell you. No one's childhood is perfect, but those kids…"

"Yeah. Those kids…" Makoto said with a measure of bitterness, his feelings cutting through the numbing sensation of the liquor. "You know. I think that second impact just tainted an entire generation there."

"What do you mean?" Maya inquired.

"I mean that those kids should be out having fun! Having a childhood! And they have to take up responsibilities that never should've existed to begin with!" Makoto said, desperately trying not to slur his words.

"I agree man. They _should_ get mindfucked, do drugs, and live their lives in a state of constant stress."

"What?" said Maya and Makoto.

"Face it," Shigeru said in an uncharacteristically serious tone. "They were never going to have a good childhood considering their parents. Whatever we have done to them, it would have happened eventually. A few more years wouldn't have made much difference."

"I…damn it. I hate it when you're right," Makoto said bitterly.

Shigeru smiled faintly and said, "I hate it when I'm right too."

* * *

The two were finished with their lunch. Asuka and Hikari were still listening in and growing a little bored with the continued silence. Kawahara toyed with a French fry.

"You're right. You're absolutely right," Shinji said resolutely.

Kawahara looked up from his plate expectantly.

"It's not my responsibility. It's not my fault. It may feel like it…but I intellectually know and have to _accept_ that none of it was my fault. What happened was an accident and I can't do anything to change that. I can't take responsibility."

Kawahara went back to his plate, satisfied with Shinji's answer.

"But I will."

All three listening to him jerked in surprise.

"Kid, you have no obligation. Why torture yourself like that? This is eating you up inside." Kawahara was at a loss.

"That may be, but then who else will? God? He's not there. _He_ doesn't care. Her family? That's a cross that no parent can or should bear…So I will. That's all I'm known for. To be a substitute."

Asuka bit the inside of her cheek, the guilt gnawing at her.

"I want you to give me more training. Stealth. Combat. Whatever you can. I can only fight…that's the only thing I have right now. To be a weapon for NERV. I have to be prepared for whatever comes…so that I can find who I am now."

"No," the old man replied flatly.

"That's it? No?"

"No. I'm also adding: you're an even bigger idiot than I thought. Everything else I could teach you is something meant to harm _people_, not Angels. You want that burden? Hurting people is something that you can't handle. I taught you to fight to defend yourself. So no. Don't be something you're not. You can find who you are without fighting."

"And what if I need to?"

"You _won't_ need to," Kawahara insisted.

"…all right. I understand. It's just…I know it was unreasonable and I'm sorry for bothering you, Mr. Kawahara," Shinji ended lamely, embarrassed for ever asking.

Kawahara sighed. "No, I'm sorry. Sorry for all the things you have to shoulder at your age."

"Don't be. You have no reason to."

"Who else will?" Kawahara echoed with an ironic grimace.

Shinji stared at the man for a moment and then a chuckle escaped his lips. Soon like a dam breaking from a trickle of water, he started laughing until his stomach hurt. Kawahara looked at Shinji like he was insane, but he started chortling too.

_Men._ Asuka and Hikari thought, rolling their eyes in unison.

Asuka nodded at Hikari and signaled for her to discreetly follow her out the door. Outside the restaurant, Asuka was decidedly silent, lost in her thoughts.

"Hikari…do you think that…I'm too harsh on Shinji?"

"Yes."

"Way to pull your punches," Asuka said softly.

"I'm your best friend. At this moment, you need the blunt truth. You wouldn't accept anything less," Hikari said firmly.

"…Thanks for being a good friend," Asuka said sincerely. "I'm going to go home now. I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

Asuka shook her head. "This is something I have to figure on my own."

"Okay. Give me a call if you do. Seeya!"

After a long fight with Kawahara over who would pay the bill (both were extraordinarily stubborn and insisted on paying the other's bill), Shinji compromised to pay for half.

There was the music store again. Without the slightest hint of hesitation, Shinji strode to the display cello and began to play, ignoring any and all people looking at him. His hand still stung a little, but the tiny pinpricks of pain jumping up and down his fingers were oddly comforting. They let him know that he was alive again.

So why did he want all those people to acknowledge him? Why did he care about any of their opinions? Since when did those strangers have a say in his life? Maybe he didn't need them _all_ to acknowledge him. Maybe just a few people he needed. He didn't hunger for acknowledgement like that anymore. Then why did he decide to be a pilot again? Did he continue to fight on for the noble but flawed notion of humanity? Those faceless people to continue laughing and living?

Not at all…they weren't faceless. Ran was their representative to show what the stakes were if he failed them in any way._ Mr. Kawahara is right. I'm not a killer. But I have to be right now. I have to kill. However… it is not all what I will do…Kawahara…Mother…no…__**I**__ don't want that…_

Shinji knew in that moment, in that decision, he was doing what he wanted for once in his life.

* * *

_**The Next Day**_

Lilies. That was the first thing Shinji noticed at the funeral. Lilies always struck Shinji as a flower with no inherent meaning. It was often connected with death, but then why would it be so popular and loved? Maybe by embracing the symbol, we embrace the idea. If that was true, then did humanity embrace death? No. That wasn't it. Humans are afraid of the unknown. Death is the greatest unknown that has ever existed. No variable, no formula, no device of logic could ever pin its horrendous and massive existence. Humans embrace death because by taking it as an inevitable we can exert some control over it. Not much, but at least we have enough to satisfy our neuroses for control.

Shinji stood in front of the open casket. He had nothing to say now. She looked serene and calm on her deathbed. Her smooth, pale face was pristine and almost angelic amidst the mourning. For all the world, she simply looked as though she were sleeping. Shinji thought that she deserved that much. The black suit he wore felt strangely comfortable. What that said about him, Shinji didn't know. He was only grateful for the thin layer of warmth it provided in the chill air. He had only one thing to say.

"Thank you…Thank you for being my mirror."

He turned back and saw the small congregation. It was just her family and a few friends. Shame hit Shinji in the form of a wave of nausea. He was the only one not crying. He couldn't. He wouldn't. Keeping his face downward he retreated back to the corner of the small space allotted for the funeral, but someone stopped him. It was Ran's mother and father.

"I…don't know how to thank you," Hinako Hinamoto whimpered through teary eyes, handkerchief clutched close to chest.

"Don't." _I couldn't take it you did._

"B-but you saved her from that gang. You paid her hospital bills and for this funeral!" Hinako could scarcely understand why he refused to acknowledge his charity or accept their gratitude.

"I'm sorry…but I'm not the good person you think I am."

"No. You are truly an Angel," Kazuya Hinamoto said, desperately trying to keep a stoic façade, but failing horribly.

Shinji didn't answer, casting his gaze downwards to his hands. He only thought of Angels in the context of the monsters he fought on a regular basis. However, Kazuya picked up on this and revised his statement.

"No. I take it back."

Shinji looked up, expecting for something truly worthy of his filthy character.

"You're a good _man_."

Twice Shinji had heard this and yet it still didn't sound right to him. The only opinion he even remotely trusted was Kawahara's and he still didn't believe him. In fact, why did he trust Kawahara so much? The man obviously had some skeletons in his closet.

Shinji was back at the auto-shop. He had an agreement with Misato now to be able to skip school for that week to recuperate. Being at school did him no good since all he did was just toy with his desk the entire time and never talked to anybody there after Ran died. Kensuke and Toji just sat there with him during lunch, trying to think of something to say, something to make it better, but they both knew that this sort of pain only disappeared with time and more time.

"Oy! Get that *^&*%*-ing %$&$% to get his ass in gear or-"

Shinji just tuned the other guys out and patiently worked on reassembling the carburetor. There was something good about putting all the pieces together. Kawahara was working alongside Shinji. For some time now, Shinji had wanted to ask Kawahara about his time in Dreamland. There was something that he just couldn't put his finger on, but there was just something that nagged at Shinji about his story. He had a feeling that it was connected to him somehow.

"Mr. Kawahara…you never finished that story in Tasmania," Shinji said quietly.

"…no. I never did," Kawahara replied.

"Will you?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"Whether I know when you're ready." _Or I am._

"…so coo~ool"

That was Shinji's voice. Kawahara and Shinji simultaneously turned around at the same time to see "the Mountain" as Shinji had once dubbed the transsexual.

"Nakamura…one, don't ever say stuff like that again. It creeps everybody out. And two, why are you eavesdropping?"

The Mountain harrumphed in a girly manner (which disturbed Shinji in ways he didn't even know to exist) and gruffly answered, "There's a visitor for the kid."

"Me?" Shinji was bewildered. Why would anyone feel the need to visit him at work now?

His answer came in the form of a slender figure coming from behind the newly named Nakamura. It was Rei.

"Shinji…"

"R-Rei! Why are you here?"

"You didn't go to school today. I was…concerned."

"Oh. I'm sorry to make you worry. I just needed to be alone for a little."

Rei's grip over her satchel tightened. "I heard about the girl. I'm sorry that this happened."

Shinji offered a bitter smile. "So am I."

"I…I came to se-_bring_ you your assignments from school," Rei said carefully, her face staying as taut and unmoving as it ever was, her hand proffering the homework.

"Ah. Thanks," said Shinji, oblivious to Rei's slip.

As Shinji glanced through each paper, Rei's eyes were trained intently on Shinji, trying to decipher his mood. Lately she had been feeling nothing but a tightening of her throat and her hands shaking for no apparent reason. Rei never dwelled on what she did. She considered it an absolute necessity, so the act itself didn't repulse her. It was what it did to Shinji. He had gotten even further from her and she felt alone. It wasn't an unusual feeling at this point, but it was painful. Hearing Shinji's desperate pleas and cries had struck what felt like a nail deeper and deeper into Rei's heart. _Perhaps what I did was wro-_

"Mein Gott! The doll beat me here!"

Three guesses on whom that was and two of them don't count.

"Why are you here, Asuka?" Shinji was shocked to see Asuka actually talking to him. She and Misato had avoided him like the plague the past couple of weeks.

"Hmph! That's gratitude for you! I came to tell you that we're going for synch tests in two hours!"

"Oh. Okay, let me finish up my work here." Shinji was little uplifted to hear Asuka talking to him again even if it was simply to berate him.

Rei shifted uncomfortably from where she was standing. What kept Shinji bound to her and NERV was starting to unravel and Rei didn't like it.

"Oy, kid! You going to finish that carburetor any time this week or are you going to flirt?"

"I'm not flirting!"

Asuka was about to open her mouth when the power cut off.

"What was that?" asked an employee in the back of the garage.

Shinji, Rei, and Asuka shared a glance. Angels.

"We have to get to NERV as soon as possible."

* * *

"What happened!?"

"We detected a code blue before our power went out! The Angel is right above us trying to break in!"

"Where's the backup?" Ritsuko Akagi demanded.

"Gone!"

Ritsuko pinched the bridge of her nose. "How the hell did this happen!!??"

"If I knew that, don't you think I'd have the fucking generators back now!?" Makoto snapped.

"Don't take that tone with me!"

"Enough! We need to prepare the EVAs." Commander Ikari quickly took control of the situation.

"But the pilots aren't here yet!"

"They _will_ be." Of this Gendo was certain of. Ever since he had last seen Shinji, he knew that he was his son. That sliver of invincible ice he had seen in Shinji and the horror in his eyes as he realized that it was there. It was beyond a shadow of a doubt now to Gendo Ikari that Shinji was indeed his son.

* * *

"Why does the old man have to come along?" whined Asuka.

"Yes. Let's leave three fourteen year olds alone in a city full of panicked and potentially armed civilians," Kawahara said drolly. "I'm sure that'll go over real well with whatever ethics committee you've got at NERV."

"We have an ethics committee?" Now that Shinji thought about it, why didn't they have an ethics committee? The world was at risk, but in any official military operation there is always an ethics committee usually called by a concerned part of the populace. And Shinji was sure that statistically a decent amount of the population would be concerned about the pilots being _children_. It seemed almost unnatural now for there to be no bleeding heart faction to cry child labor.

"You mean you kids don't have one?" Kawahara growled.

"No…" Asuka said slowly. She always thought that since it was the world at stake, an ethics committee would just be in the way.

Kawahara stayed silent as he thought it over. Something was definitely rotten with the situation. No matter how disorganized or panicked a government is, there was always some group crying for human rights, but in this case there wasn't even the faintest mention of it. It took a lot of political power to silence that with absolute impunity.

"Shinji…you never explained who Ran was," Asuka broached the subject tentatively. She never knew of the girl until a few weeks ago and it was too late then. Up to this point, she just knew that she was someone he saved in a fight.

He abruptly wheeled around on his heel to face Asuka. She almost flinched. Kawahara and Rei stopped walking, the former out of necessity and the latter from curiosity. Rei only knew that Shinji was attached and that was detracting from his focus as a pilot, but she didn't know what kind of connection he had.

Asuka sensed that it might have been too soon to talk about it. Shinji almost looked ready to something…or someone. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I-I just thought that you might want to talk about it."

_Liar. You just want to know for your own selfish purposes _whispered the vindictive little voice.

Shinji just continued gazing at Asuka. At last he spoke, "Someone I needed."

With that, Shinji quickly walked again in the direction of NERV.

_Someone he needed? Why did he need __**her **__of all people when he had-_

_What? You? I thought delusions were best left to children. Not the best EVA pilot there was. Not the Great Asuka Langley Soryu._

Asuka didn't answer the voice back. She didn't need to. It was just a stupid little voice…right?

* * *

"Hey, Ritsuko," Misato whispered.

The bleach blonde scientist looked up from her work at the console, trying to get the generators back up.

"Yeah?"

"Do you have any idea why the commander was so sure that they'd come? I mean they should know by now to come to NERV in this kind of situation, but in time to have the plug prepared? That's kind of wishful thinking."

"Well…I did hear that Shinji talked to his father before…and it didn't end well."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Two guards in the hospital wing to be treated for sprained wrists."

"_Our_ Shinji did that!?" Misato knew that Shinji was capable of taking care of himself, but the guards they hired were usually big hulking ex-special forces guys recruited from all over the world.

"I was surprised too, but the bruises don't lie. I don't know what it is, but let's pray that it keeps going for all of our sakes"

"Yeah…for all our sakes," Misato repeated weakly. Shinji was definitely changing. And once again, Misato felt a creeping sense of terror as she witnessed it. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that Shinji would be able to win the war for them after seeing him grow in the past few months, but…there was something in his eyes lately that she didn't like one bit.

* * *

"Here we are."

"Are you sure Asuka?" Shinji had heard that a grand total of nine times since they'd managed to get up into the vents.

"Yes. I _am_," Asuka ground out.

"I believe we are directly above Central Dogma."

"_See_. Even wonder girl concedes to my brilliance."

Kawahara was silent the entire time. He had been taking mental notes about the situation and the security around NERV. This only increased his suspicions. He didn't know much about Angels, but he knew about shadowy operations. And this reeked of strategic planning.

The duct floor wobbled. Shinji's eyes widened. He opened his mouth to form the words "Oh shi-"

Impact. Pain shared all around.

"Shinji? Asuka?"

"H-hey, Misato," was the weak reply from the pile of twitching limbs.

"Just in time," Ritsuko said briskly, acting as if nothing happened. "The plugs are almost set for entry."

"What? How?"

"Manually of course. Your father led the entire thing."

Shinji went quiet and just walked away without a word to the lockers for his plug suit.

"What was that about?" Asuka asked.

Kawahara only stared at the face of the commander as he was helping the plug into place. _This man…he was…this means that. Dear God._ In his mind's eye, the events of Dreamland played and he shuddered in horror.

* * *

"All right, Shinji. Asuka will nullify its AT field while you and Rei fire. Remember that the core is the target."

"Roger."

Shinji steadied the rifle in his EVA's hand. He breathed in and out as slowly and calmly as he possibly could. He wasn't afraid at the moment. What was there left to fear? His weakness? His inability to save anybody? Or was it his ability to harm? Whatever it was, it didn't matter. In this moment, he accepted it all just to keep on going. In the end, this was all he had. So he might as well have accepted it and tried to improve, right? What other option was there? No God to help him. No family. No friends in the long run…no Ran.

"Fire!" Misato ordered in his ear.

Without hesitation, he opened fire.

* * *

Shinji was trembling as he sat on the bench. Every time after an Angel fight, he would keep shaking for at least an hour. Of course, not knowing this, Asuka joked that Shinji just took a long time to romance his right palm. However, Shinji wished this was true. That he was just some pervert as Asuka had kept claiming instead of a weak coward.

"Still can't get rid of the shakes, huh?"

Still trembling, Shinji knew who it was. "Mr. Kawahara."

"Every soldier goes through this. It's only the adrenaline running its course through your system."

Shinji didn't answer. He knew that this wasn't the case.

"You think that it's fear don't you?"

Too tired to try any subterfuge, Shinji nodded speechlessly.

"You're right. It is fear. But that doesn't mean that you're any less of a man."

Again, someone called him a man. He was only fourteen.

"If anything it makes you more of one. You hate this job. You hate what you do. But you keep going on. I don't know your reasons to keep this up, but I've known all sorts of soldiers and you're among the more likable ones."

"Am I?" Shinji's voice cracked. "A man? ...I'm too young to be one. I don't _want_ to be one yet!"

Shinji shouted the last sentence.

"You want to be a weapon and not a man?" Kawahara asked in muted tones.

Shinji made no movement, but the look in his eyes told the whole story.

"Kid, that's the very definition of a monster right there."

"I'm already one."

"Wrong. You're just a fucked up kid in a fucked up world who was fucked over a barrel. That's the very definition of average."

"If I'm so average, then why do I have to have all these responsibilities? These weights."

"Because you keep deluding yourself into believing that you're a weapon. Those 'weights' are just the wages of becoming a man. It hurts, but people are counting on you. Those girls you live with are counting on you. _I'm_ counting on you."

This was the first time that Kawahara ever admitted any reliance on Shinji. However, it was a surprise to Shinji that he never realized exactly who was relying on him. He knew that he held the lives of the entire world in his hands, but he never acknowledged that the people close to him were in that world. They were just part of his own personal sphere again. He was being selfish…again.

"I'm a weapon…"

Kawahara rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to dispute that.

"And a man," Shinji finished. "…I don't want to be a man…not yet, but I have to be, don't I?"

Kawahara wordlessly nodded.

"I wanted to be a weapon because…it was the only thing I was good at," Shinji continued. "Hurting people…with selfishness or my bare hands or EVA. It also freed me from responsibility. I didn't have to decide anything. I could just leave it up to others…so _I_ couldn't be blamed. A man is someone who always takes responsibility and _always_ gets blamed."

"Shinji…"

Shinji didn't let him interrupt though. It was hard enough to try to express everything, but to have a father tell him that it was all right would be too much for him to handle at the moment. "I don't want to be a coward. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I thought becoming a weapon would let me do that…but it's just the opposite. I would be doing it for entirely my own sake. I'll become a man, but not a weapon."

"Wrong."

The word came out like a lash from a whip.

"Shinji…part of being a man is realizing when you're needed to be something that goes against your very nature. You're too kind to be a weapon…but that's precisely what is needed of you right now…so I'm asking you…to be one until this is all over with. To be able to do whatever is necessary to save me and whomever else you care about…just until this war is over."

Shinji stared directly into Kawahara's eyes and found nothing but truth. "Okay. I'll become a weapon _and_ a man…but at the end of it, I only want to be a man."

"I'm not happy about relying on a squirt like you when I'm the adult who should be protecting wimps like you."

Shinji smiled, enjoying his gruff humor.

"But I have no doubt that you can win this and still survive, coming out the same as ever."

"No. Not the same. I want to be better," Shinji said firmly.

All of a sudden Shinji started retching onto the tile floors. The smell of LCL finally got to him again. It was like blood. Shinji hated the taste and sight of blood. However, at the same time, Shinji felt better after these realizations and talking to Kawahara. It was a true catharsis in every sense.

Kawahara just patted his back for him to get it all out. "I've thought about what you asked…And I'm going to teach you everything about being a weapon. You're going to need to harden your heart if things are going to get any more difficult."

"Yes, sir."

"Get dressed. I'm treating you and your girlfriends to some dinner," Kawahara said with a blank face.

"They're not my-"

Too late. Kawahara left already.

Shinji sighed at the futility of convincing Kawahara and fiddled with his fingers, reddening at the thought of having any one of the girls he worked with as a girlfriend.

* * *

The old soldier heard a passing NERV employee whistling a tune as he briskly walked to do some report. It sounded familiar to Kawahara. It wasn't until two minutes after It was The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes". He heard it as a young man and only as of late he realized the meaning behind it and how terribly apt it was to what just transpired.

Kawahara just leaned against the wall outside of the locker rooms and choked back whimpers. _I'm a real old bastard…I just convinced a kid to temporarily kill his humanity._

He then turned to face the wall with only his trembling arms for support against it. The shame and guilt from manipulating a child who trusted him was almost unbearable. _But if I'm right. Then it'll be Dreamland all over again. The nightmares and the perversion of…Shinji has to be an instrument against this. I won't be able to stop this outright and directly. I'm too old and in no position to do anything significant by myself, but Shinji can. He'll have to be the boy soldier, the man who saved the world…in more ways than one. For this…he'll have to become __**my**__ weapon…God forgive me. _

He started combat breathing to keep himself loose and relaxed. Drying his tears, Kawahara regained composure. He had to be a man now.

Shinji walked out, clueless to Kawahara's previous state. "Okay, I'm ready."

"Okay let's get your little harem."

"I-I-I, wait stop walking so fast, Mr. Kawahara!" Shinji yelled as he jogged to keep up with the older man's pace.

_I'm counting on you Shinji._

* * *

A/N: Okay, I think I deserve a little pat on the back for writing this chapter in the midst of five tests and two essays all while fighting off a life-sucking cold. Ego stroking done. Now onto the actual talking. Shinji was focused on here, so sorry to all the female focused fans. The show is somewhat of a bildungsroman for Shinji (Still sticking by my guns Fresh C). Except I'm taking the thread that the Rebuild movies have adopted. This is not going to be super positive with sugar, spice, and Element- wait that's the Powerpuff girls…never mind, but it won't be some emo sadgasm. It'll be life: bittersweet with all the right flavors of interest. As for a happy ending for all…well you'll just have to read to find out. A good magician _or_ author never reveals everything (their assistants do, wink wink). Review if you've got any advice or something to nitpick. I am open to suggestions. After all, I'm still a growing amateur writer.


	10. Blind Men and Buffalo Wings

Disclaimer: I do not own NGE or any of the works of Rainier Maria Rilke.

* * *

**Chapter 10**

**Blind Men and Buffalo Wings**

A cool breeze passed through the Sakura trees. The one thing that all of Japan rejoiced in was that the cherry blossoms remained unfettered by the ecological disaster that met their world. Rei Ayanami pensively sat under these blessed petals in a typical kneeling position. None of the petals touched her as if they were keeping their distance from the ethereal beauty. She sat calmly, feet tucked beneath thighs as if in prostration.

Shinji had proven to be unpredictable again. No statistic or algorithm could begin to describe how or why he reacted to everything. It was maddening and disappointing. Rei wanted to be closer to him now. To try and possess that unquantifiable element of chaos in him. The scenario would continue as long as that insanity was contained.

She didn't know why the sight of all the blossoms coming loose to meet and leave again irritated her. The sheer transience of it just ate at Rei. This was exacerbated by the roiling heat in Rei's chest ever since she killed Ran. Dissonance rampaged through Rei's mind, body, and…soul? Was that what she had now? Or did she have it all along, but simply neglected it to becoming the withered flower it was now? Cherry blossoms withered all the time and they were still worshipped. For what reason?

Why should they?

They were only flimsy pieces of cellulose.

* * *

Asuka was planted in front of the TV, her head in her hands. She watched in utter rapture. It was just a run of the mill drama, but to Asuka, it represented everything that could be right with life. It was predictable. And it always had a happy or life affirming ending. Nothing at all like reality.

A hung doll.

Asuka shook her head to rid herself of these painful memories. She swore to herself that she'd never tell anybody about that. Hatred, adoration, anger, and lust were things that Asuka could handle, but pity…that would be unbearable. What would be worse was if Shinji pitied her. Thought less of her. Why she cared about the opinion of a boy that she insulted and mocked at every turn she didn't know. All she knew was that she did. And that because of this it was killing her a little more every day that she ignored him.

Asuka glanced at the clock. This was around the time that Shinji left for work. Lately it had been growing harder and harder for Asuka _not_ to talk to Shinji. He had long since abandoned any attempts at communication with either her or Misato. Not out of despair it seemed, but like he was too distracted by more important things. Since when was anything more important than the greatest EVA pilot? A girl as hot as Asuka Langley Soryu?

Shinji strode out of his room and to the door. Asuka thought to hell with orders, she opened her mouth to say good bye. To try and let Shinji know that at least one girl in his life still gave a damn about him. But it was too late. He left.

"Damn it. That verdammt boy!" _That verdammt girl._ Which girl Asuka was referring to, even she didn't know. "Ah well. Ooh, TV!"

Two hours passed and it was 8 pm. Asuka was still watching TV. Her homework had been laughably easy (considering her time in college), so she had nothing else to do that night until the phone rang. Asuka was surprised. She wasn't expecting any phone calls.

"Hello?" She asked into the receiver.

"Asuka? It's Shinji."

* * *

"All right. Time to call it a day. We're going to the bar," declared Kawahara, wiping his hands of the motor grease. "Who's going to be watching the kid this time?"

All the men in the shop turned to look at Shinji who was still patiently working on a car. They raised a collective eyebrow and most of them could only imagine Shinji in a real jailbait scenario.

"I'm paying."

The last two words sent all of them scrambling for the locker rooms. When a man offered to pay for a group's drink, the only honorable thing to do would be to milk it for all it was worth. It's just bad manners if you don't.

"Um…Mr. Kawahara, I'm not so sure about this…every time I go, there's always somebody creepy."

"Well, you've had some more success. Only three women and a creepy old man went for you last time. I'd call that a win in my book."

"Yeah, but those women were like twice my age…and that old man said some _weird_ stuff."

"Gee. What a pain it is having hot older women throw themselves at you. Such a curse you must bear," Kawahara deadpanned. "As for the old man, I'm sure you could've taken him."

Shinji just grumbled under his breath and mourned the loss of his ear's virginity. Just as he was about to tell Kawahara exactly what he thought of his assessment, a memory floated to the surface of his mind. It was about Asuka of all people. She once demanded that when he went to a bar again that she come along. Initially Shinji thought it was about preventing girls from being "corrupted" by him but now…he wasn't quite so sure about that anymore.

"Mr. Kawahara…" Shinji started.

"Hm?"

"Can I bring Asuka along for this one?"

"You mean that redheaded one with an attitude?"

Shinji nodded.

"…sure. She might keep those 'creepy' people away."

Shinji didn't bother pointing out his real reasons. He'd tell that for later. He pulled out his cell phone. Each ring as he waited was like it was punctuating his heartbeat as it rapidly sped up.

"Hello?"

"Asuka? It's Shinji."

"Shinji! What are you doing calling?"

"Um…remember when you asked to go with me to a bar the next time I go out?"

"Yeah…"

"So…uh, I _am_ going to a bar tonight…and I thought…"

"That you could get me drunk and take advantage of me?"

"No!" Shinji yelled indignantly.

"Just joking." Asuka actually sounded cordial. "I'll drop by your work in twenty."

"O-okay…Asuka, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For being so selfish that time…"

"That time? Just one? Well, you should especially since it took so long for you to say it, but…I forgive you."

"And thank you…for being there on that day."

"Is this really appropriate pre-drinking talk?"

"I-I don't think we're going to be allowed to-"

Asuka hung up.

"Drink," Shinji finished. He sighed and reluctantly slid his phone into his pocket.

Back in Misato's apartment, Asuka smiled and whispered, "Baka."

She was about to apologize to him and he went around and took her burden. He may be oblivious to a lot of things, but this was something that she was thankful that he was ignorant of…at least for now. Now, what to wear?

* * *

Mist fills Gendo's field of vision. His breathing never changes. This is the hell he now lives in. Never seeing, never hearing. Only existing…alone. Nothing but him exists in this realm. A brightly lit hawk always beckons to him in the distance. It is sacrilege. It is salvation. It is all he has. The mist is thick and binding and only becomes more restrictive as he inches closer and closer. The mist is so tight that he can barely breathe. A sharp pain in his hand.

He glances at his right hand.

It is falling to pieces.

Irrelevant. The hawk is getting farther and farther ahead.

So close now. He can feel the heat from the light. It is scalding, but so close!

A scream! That can't be. Nothing exists here. Only himself and the hawk.

He must not turn away! The hawk must be captured!

The scream intensifies. Gendo clenches his teeth. What was it? Why did this tug at his heart? NO! He had to focus. He had gone too far to give up now.

But the scream! There was no ignoring it. Against his best wishes, Gendo turned to the source of the sound and recoiled.

An infant albatross is born.

"Bzzzz!"

Harsh light shone directly on the Commander of NERV. He woke up with a jerk as he took stock of his surroundings. A room empty of all personal impression was all he saw. No pictures or possession to hint at the possibility that a real human being lived there. He began every day the same way he did for the last decade and wept with all fury and sadness mustered. It was the only way he could exhaust his emotional core to do what was necessary. On a deeper level, Gendo knew it was the only way to convince him that he deserved to be redeemed for all his sins.

The phone rang.

"Sir. We need you in the Geofront immediately. An angel is approaching."

Gendo took a moment to regain composure before he answered. "I'll be there in 20 minutes."

The phone clicked to signal that contact ended. Gendo sighed in relief. Work would take his mind off things. With each angel, he was growing closer and closer to completing his scenario.

A scream.

Gendo's neck snapped to look. Nothing. Dismissing the scream as a figment of his imagination, Gendo got dressed, but more cautiously than he did before.

* * *

Ritsuko Akagi drummed her fingers on the desk, eyes trained intently on the computer screen. She huffed and glanced at her watch. 2:30 am. It was too damn late for this kind of work. Especially for that doll. Ritsuko then glanced at the unearthly girl in liquid suspension and growled in frustration, knowing that she couldn't hear in the tube. Why did she have to wait hand and foot for this copy?

"You bitch. What makes you so special? You're disposable. I'm not. He can't replace me. So why does he care more about you? You're a copy. A fake!"

Ritsuko's hand hovered over the controls of the tank. She could raise the LCL pressure to lethal levels. It could be chalked up to machine error and what did it matter? Rei was expendable. There were a dozen bodies waiting to replace her.

But no. Ritsuko sighed in disappointment. Unfortunately the man she loved was a genius on human psychology. He would know in an instant that she killed his precious photograph. However, Ritsuko took solace in the fact that Rei was only a photograph of the woman he loved, while she was real and present. That was all that mattered. Reality was something bitter and inescapable, but it worked in Ritsuko's favor due to those very traits. Gendo couldn't escape her.

* * *

"It's been 45 minutes, kid. All the guys have already gone ahead and knowing them, I'll probably have to mortgage this shop to cover their tab. Hope that girlfriend comes soon."

"She's not-screw it. You're never going to listen."

"I listen. I only listen for the truth. Whatever you say about the girl, I can only hear about a tenth of what you actually say."

"Couldn't it be that you have selective hearing?"

"What? I didn't hear you."

Shinji rolled his eyes and turned his back on him to look out the window for any sign of Asuka. Kawahara smiled. The kid had come a long way from the depressed, nervous wreck he was when he first met him. But the rare smile didn't last long. The constant reminder of Shinji's role in the world was an albatross slung across Kawahara's neck and if he was guessing right, Shinji would have a few of his own albatrosses to bear soon enough…if he didn't already.

"Who are you looking for?"

Shinji jumped in surprise, but Kawahara heard her footsteps a minute ago and decided to play it cool to get a laugh from the wide eyed look on Shinji's face.

"A-Asuka! Please don't sneak up on me like that!"

Asuka laughed. It was a rich throaty laugh that hinted at the woman that Asuka would soon become.

"We going to drink or not?"

"First, eat this." Kawahara proffered a basket of biscuits out of nowhere.

_Where did he pull that from?_

"I'm…not hungry though. And why should we eat this, right Shinji?"

She turned to Shinji for support only to catch him in mid-bite of his second biscuit.

"Umm…" Shinji mumbled through a mouthful of bread.

"…Never mind," Asuka muttered.

"I have no doubts that you'll be able to sneak some alcohol despite any attempts to forbid you. You're a hormone riddled teenager after all. The bread will absorb the alcohol. This way I can keep an eye on you and avoid having to drag your stumbling, dribbling drunk ass home." Kawahara leveled a gaze that demanded obedience.

As strong willed as Asuka was, she was helpless against that relentless gaze. It was the first time she actually experienced anything remotely close to effective parental discipline in years.

"Rrrg!" Asuka quickly grabbed a biscuit and viciously bit into it.

"You worried about your figure or something?"

Asuka just glared and kept gnawing at her bread. It was then that Shinji noticed what Asuka was wearing. She was in a conservative red dress that matched her hair and brought out her eyes with just a little cleavage to tantalize, but not enough to be bold. She looked ready for a date.

_Not a girlfriend, right..._ Kawahara thought, observing Shinji's none too discreet eying of Asuka.

* * *

Rei flicked to the next page. Her posture was rigid and firm as she sat in her hard metal chair. She was used to being alone, but recently a sense of loneliness seeped in her regular mood. Shinji stopped attending the Friday meetings. He told her very politely and apologized profusely. His explanation was that he loved spending time with her, but his training with his boss left no time for any frivolity on a Friday. Rei could tell he was honest to the core about his apologies. She spent a lot of time watching people and quickly learned all the clinical signs of emotions and behavior. Rei experienced the world out of step with everyone else and had to understand the symptoms of emotion to function because she herself didn't express them as normally as everybody else. The concept of a facial expression was easy to connect to a specific emotion, but acting it out was hard for Rei. The only thing she learned to express was to smile and that was from Shinji. A feeling welled up from the depths of her heart. It was excruciating, having it in her. She didn't think what she was feeling was appropriate for a smile though.

But…the emotion she was feeling was howling for releasing. She clenched her book tightly. The demand for relief was unbearable now. Rei was prepared to take any attempt at letting this emotion out, so she smiled with all her might for any release. She smiled so hard that her cheeks ached, but she still kept it up because throughout it there was a little relief. Rei basked in this tiny measure of relief, but…it wasn't enough. Physically emoting was now proven to help, but…she only knew one way to do so and it just wasn't enough for what she was feeling now. If Shinji were here…but he wasn't.

Rei held her arms and did what she could with the little warmth that the slender limbs offered. Now more than ever, she wanted to reconnect with Shinji and forget her guilt. However, the smile was still firmly in place despite its strained image. Rei didn't want to relinquish the relief she felt, but also she didn't want to give up the one important gift that Shinji gave her those months ago.

"Shinji…" she breathed and closed her eyes. As she fell asleep, her smile never slipped, but it became softer and more natural.

* * *

"Hey Mr. Kawahara! Who's the cutie? A little young for you, don't you think?" called a fellow garage dweller.

"Don't you have some tranny to feel up?" Kawahara shot back flatly.

"One time! That was only one time! And in my defense, she was primped and beautiful a-and"

"And still had an Adam's apple," Shinji finished drolly before Kawahara did. "We were there remember? But I suppose we were surprised too…well maybe not _quite_ as surprised as _you _were…"

Shinji broke off; barely able to hold back from snickering, but the rest of the garage dwellers didn't bother. They laughed their asses off. The employee blushed and sputtered for a good response, but gave into the moment, seeing no other option other than just admitting that it really was funny. Asuka was too surprised to laugh. Since when did Shinji make jokes? Before he just brooded all the time and could hardly stutter a comeback, let alone a _good_ one, but now…

"Shinji? Have you gone with these guys to this bar often?"

"Yeah. Every week or so, we go out here and grab some dinner and hang out. Kensuke and Toji have come occasionally too. Kawahara only lets them get away with only one drink though."

"Why? I mean why does he let kids drink?"

"Well, he never lets them get drunk if that's what you're asking. He always forces Kensuke and Toji to do the bread thing like what we did, but…I think it's because he understands."

"Understands what?" If it wasn't for the cracked voice, Asuka could have sworn that Shinji sounded wise right there.

"That…we're not kids anymore. We haven't been since second impact. Our childhood can't exist for the sake of the world. Why do you think that we didn't have to pay for our school trip?"

Asuka looked at Shinji, a little puzzled. She never really thought about how nobody had to pay for the trip to Okinawa. It was a little embarrassing to Asuka for a college graduate and child genius like her to have never analyzed the situation. But the oddest thing about it was that she didn't mind missing it. By now she realized that Shinji wasn't the type to judge and if she had to be frank, his was one of the few opinions that she respected, so it felt all right to be wrong or miss something he caught.

"The government is well aware of the fact that they're relying on children to fight. Not just us, but the rest of them. They're going to have to support the adult's mistakes and excesses for the rest of their lives."

"You mean to say that a group of the most powerful, affluent men in the world just decided to open their coffers for a bunch of kids out of _guilt_?"

"Well…no. They do it because they're well aware that we children are taking over for them and it wouldn't do any good for them to displease us. Especially since the pilots are part of that group."

The penny dropped for Asuka. Pilots were undisputedly the most valuable political bargaining chip in the world. Because of their work to protect the entire world, the power and respect that they commanded in the world was near inexhaustible. Psychologically, the pilots would typically identify with their age group and find little sympathy for the current adults in power if they mistreated them. Add into the fact that the organization they worked for, NERV, had all of the world's military power at its beck and call, and you had a bona fide powerhouse to rival any superpower on your hands.

"This isn't a time to be discussing serious matters." Kawahara had somehow slipped right behind the two without making a sound. "You may not be children anymore, but that doesn't mean that you're not entitled to have fun in your life."

"I guess."

"Get some dinner. Relax. And take the lady to a movie. She looks like she needs to decompress. You too. I'm paying tonight." Kawahara ordered before running off to do damage control on the rest of the crew.

Asuka and Shinji glanced at each other and just as quickly looked away.

"Um…this place has some pretty good buffalo wings…" Shinji said timidly, rubbing the back of his head. "I-I mean y-you don't have to. You might be watching your figure. Not that you need to! I just meant-what I wanted to-I'll shut up now."

Asuka smiled. Shinji really hadn't changed had he? Sure he was a little wiser about the world, but at the heart of it he was still the same awkward neurotic that she met on Over the Rainbow. Asuka was strangely simultaneously disappointed and relieved.

"Good idea," Asuka said before grabbing his arm and dragging him to a table. She swiftly grabbed a menu. Shinji followed suit and browsed through the selection, but wasn't really paying attention to it. To be honest, if Shinji really had to describe the entire experience of it, it felt like a date.

"S-so..." Shinji searched for a conversation topic. "Have you seen any good shows?"

Shinji really wasn't interested in the soaps that Asuka watched and she knew it. Despite herself, she appreciated his attempt.

"Yeah! I just saw this new one before coming here. By far it's the best one I've seen."

"What's it about?" Shinji said interested in what made Asuka tick.

"Well, it starts off like pretty conventionally. Guy meets girl in unexpected way. Guy falls for girl. Turns out there are obstacles before getting girl and then the girl falls for the guy now. But guy has someone else going for him and jealousy ensues. Standard stuff right?" Shinji nodded his agreement. He spent enough time with Asuka's dramas to notice that typical pattern.

"The twist here is that she is a mafia princess and he is an ordinary salaryman. And the girl the mafia princess has to compete against is the man's adopted sister. However, the man doesn't know that she isn't really his sister, so he becomes incredibly creeped out and self loathing when he thinks about his 'sister' like that. The mafia princess is too ethical to try and play on that however. The show progresses on how she struggles to not spill the beans out of consideration for his feelings despite the fact that if she did, he would be easy pickings for her to take. There is also the fact that she is the daughter of a mob boss and the guy is really straight laced, so there are some serious problems there."

"Wow. Sounds like a complex plot."

"That's just the general outline, but the show is great," Asuka gushed.

Shinji smiled cheerfully and took a sip of his drink (coke, not alcohol). Asuka reciprocated, but realized that she was the only one actively talking.

"Shinji, what do you like to watch?"

Shinji almost choked mid-sip. Often, he never watched television. Asuka usually commandeered the TV before he did. "Uh, I don't watch TV that much."

"What do you watch when you do then?"

"Um, I guess detective shows." Asuka wrinkled her nose. "Sounds boring."

"I like them," Shinji said quietly.

A pang of guilt struck Asuka. "S-so, why do you like them then?"

"They're realistic."

"You call murder and crime an accurate representation of reality?"

Shinji looked at her critically over his mug. "Not really, but I think it's a main and important part of growing up."

"Killing somebody?"

"No. Pain," said Shinji with bitter finality.

Of all the answers that Asuka expected, this one was completely unprecedented.

"Why? I mean it's something we spend our entire lives avoiding.""Exactly. We end up defining our lives by it…which…I think at least, isn't really a bad thing."

"What do you mean?"

"It's natural, I guess. Like death…" Shinji hesitated, but took a chance on the possibility that Asuka knew how he felt. "When mother died…I can only remember scraps of what happened and mostly after her death. I learned from it."

Asuka was fascinated. He never talked about his family aside from his obvious father issues. "What did you learn?"

"The person you end up having to rely on most is yourself…because there usually isn't anybody else." His father's lone figure walking away was the image burned in Shinji's mind.

"That's stupid. Don't get all depressed and mopey on me!" Asuka said in a tone that left no quarter for self deprecation. "When my mom died, I-"

She stopped short. Revealing her family's past was something she avoided at all costs, so why did she feel open enough and even wanted to tell Shinji?

Shinji understood. Talking about family was always painful for him, so it made sense that Asuka would share in that too. They were only human after all. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"No. No, it's all right. Doesn't matter if you know. I've moved on." She said, trying to convince herself that she was every inch the adult that she told Kaji she was.

"Okay." There was little else that Shinji could say. This was a major first for him.

Asuka had a tight grip on her glass. "Mom worked on the EVA just like yours…and I lost her to it too. I always wanted to do her proud, you know? She'd always hug me and hand me a lollipop or something when I got a good grade or did something smart or athletic. I may have been a kid and too young to understand back then that she just wanted to get that perfect daughter…it was just the German way, you know. Perfection must be striven for and for mom I had to be that perfection and I never wanted to disappoint her. I was so happy though. When I was a kid and she was still married to my dad, we used to go out for steak every Friday. It was the only time when we could all get together as a family. The restaurant we went to was some fancy and formal, but with mom and dad there, it didn't feel that way. Dad always mocked the uptight people around us and Mom just shook her head in exasperation, but I knew she loved it deep down. I always laughed and helped him with his impressions…The last time we went, she had to go to a mental hospital. Dad and me wanted one last reminder of normality before she had to go…but mom…mom tried to stab Dad with the cutlery. It was then that we both realized that she died in all the ways that mattered."

Asuka's voice cracked on the last word. Shinji didn't know what to do. He'd never had to console someone on the verge of tears, so he did as he saw people do on TV. He stayed silent and held her hand, not knowing that it was an act of intimacy that exceeded their current relationship. Asuka was aware of this though and moved her hand away.

"I…watched her wither away. She…she had a doll and thought it was me. And you know what was pathetic, I even felt jealous of the doll. A stupid, cheap, shoddily made doll had the affection that I should have been getting. A-and, my ever faithful father wasn't even there throughout it all. He was too busy banging mom's doctor. Bastard," Asuka muttered bitterly. "I don't blame him though. He was lonely and it took a stronger man than him to watch someone he loved suffer like that. Instead I blame that bitch. She shouldn't have taken advantage of a patient or for that matter a grieving man.

"I'm sorry, Asuka," Shinji said honestly. There were a lot of unresolved issues in his past, but compared to Asuka's, he might as well have led a cheerful childhood on Sesame Street.

Asuka smiled. It was a small one that barely strained her facial muscles, but Shinji was irresistibly reminded of Rei's smile after the defeat of the third Angel. It told Shinji that it was a smile that came from the deepest well of Asuka's heart. What that told Shinji about Asuka, he didn't know. All he knew at that moment was that Asuka had finally been honest with him and that was all that mattered right then and there. "Thanks…but we should stop bitching about family life now. This is a night of fun, right?"

"Y-yeah. So did you want the buffalo wings?" Shinji asked innocently, attempting to comply with the mandate of changing the subject.

"I thought I was trying to watch my figure?" Asuka shot back teasingly. Shinji smiled shyly back at her.

The moment of innocence was ruined by the sounds of alarms. Angel alarms.

* * *

Misato had a grim expression as the pilots stared at the screen expectantly.

"The Angel is in low earth orbit, so we cannot attack it with our usual weapons. Before all satellite imagery went haywire from the Angel's presence, we caught this image."

A blurry photograph came on the screen. It appeared to have wings and was made of pure white light, but even from an image, the Angel emanated menace and power.

"At this moment, we will be launching Units 01 and 02 with A type equipment. Rei will be on standby. While we may have not anticipated it this soon, we have prepared you for combat in low earth orbit. We will be arming you with conventional weapons to attack the core, but we will also arm you two with an N^2 mine. Or more correctly, several mines in a RPG."

"So is there any real strategy to fighting this thing?" Asuka asked skeptically.

"I'm afraid not. There simply is not enough intel to launch a fully informed offense and not enough time to gather it. The Magi estimate the Angel's arrival to be in 8 hours. Good luck Shinji. Asuka. We'll be ready to pull you at a moment's notice. The A type equipment has a remote control where our personnel in the Geofront can direct you back if you fall unconscious."

Shinji didn't feel much dread at the concept. He was too used to being on his own on the field. The only thing he did fear at the moment was dying. Too many times Shinji felt his own mortality and against beings with insurmountable power to top it off.

* * *

Shigeru studied at the readout from the preliminary scans of the Angel. There was absolutely nothing of value. He glanced at Maya and Makoto to find his own desperate expression reflected on their faces. They all sighed in unison.

"Dammit! This is completely unprecedented. We usually have something tangible and solid to fight, but this, this is nothing. What makes it worse is that it's in LEO and we've never had to conduct combat there."

Maya just shook her head. "It's no different from the other times. It's just a new terrain. These kids were trained from childhood with the exception of Shinji. Even then considering his track record, he probably didn't need it much."

"Maybe, but the terrain does matter. It's a fundamental factor in a war. This is something people have learned time and again in Russia or Italy or Vietnam. And that was when we were fighting against ourselves. This is a whole new enemy who thinks in entirely different ways than us with powers beyond our comprehension. If anything, terrain is one of the biggest advantages we're supposed to have since we've had years of conflict to prep for each frontier," Makoto pointed out. "Yet here we are, at a complete loss"

"Still doesn't make us feel much better though," Shigeru said despondently.

"It's not supposed to." A new voice entered the forum. The bridge bunnies turned around and saw the Commander.

"Sir!" The trio said in unison and saluted.

"War is hell. General William Sherman said that a century and a half ago. First Lieutenant Hyuga is correct in his assessment of our situation. We are closer to the brink of annihilation than we have ever been before. However, we can only take solace in the fact that we have done all we could to prepare for this, barring any prescience over how every Angel will attack. It will be enough because it has to. In the end, battle is all about our flexibility and ability to adapt. You have been recruited because you were not only at the top of your respective fields, but also for the ability to react to any change."

The three nodded to acknowledge the praise, but still felt tense.

* * *

"Be ready, dummkopf." Asuka gripped her controls. She was just about to launch.

Shinji didn't reply. There was an ominous feel to the approach. It was worse than any other attack he's had to deal with. The ascent to low earth orbit was fast and very shaky. He went first to launch because Asuka's equipment malfunctioned due to a bad subroutine.

"Visual contact established. You are 30,000 kilometers and closing."

The distance did nothing to allay Shinji's worries. If anything, it worsened them because the Angel was simply massive even at that distance. He was in forward position and was the first to feel its approaching attack, a vast blinding light.

Memories mercilessly flashed to forefront of Shinji's mind and he felt an unbearable pressure inside his skull. His thoughts were jumbled and fractured, but he had no control or way to relieve this. If he had to describe it, Shinji imagined that this would be how it felt if he went insane. A scream was in his ears. It took him a second to realize it was his own voice.

"Shinji!" Asuka barked. "What's going on?"

"Stay away, Asuka! Do not launch!" Shinji shouted with all coherent thought mustered.

"The hell with that!" Asuka fingered her controls for the equipment.

"Misato! Increase the plug pressure and knock Asuka out! Don't let her go up!"

Despite her reservations and concern for Shinji, Misato complied. Asuka didn't have a chance to swear before she was rendered unconscious.

"All right, Shinji. What is going on?"

Shinji was in agony. The Angel was relentless. Its light didn't just penetrate Shinji's armored protector. It went into his very soul. Memories forcefully bubbled to the surface of Shinji's mind.

**Oh my. Such sad recollections. Are all humans so pathetic?**

_What was that?_ Shinji searched around in his cockpit for another person, praying that it wasn't whom he thought it was.

**All prayers are answered by the one true God, my father Adam. I am an Angel, dear boy. And I assure you that you are very dear to Us.**

"…What?" Shinji grunted. The memories still fled through Shinji's mind, presenting every pain he had in his life, both physical and emotional.

"Shinji. What's happening? Give me a sitrep." Misato demanded.

**You are the very embodiment of our destiny. Our great enemy sheathed in perverted flesh.**

"I-I don't understand."

"What don't you understand? Shinji, answer me!" Misato barked. Something was wrong. He was talking to himself.

"I think…the angel is talking to me," Shinji answered unsteadily.

"Shinji, if that's true, do not let contact get any further!" Misato ordered. She motioned for Ritsuko to send Shinji back. He was clearly in no condition to fight against this.

"No go! The controls aren't responding! The Angel's light appears create RF interference!"

"Fuck!" Misato swore. Shinji's vitals were approaching dangerously high levels.

**My, lilim are very slow aren't they? **

"Shut up!" Shinji keened. "Get out of my head!"

"Shinji! Calm down! Head for the lift!"

Unfortunately Shinji couldn't hear her. He was trapped in a fugue state with only a dim awareness of what was happening. He continued screaming. "Stop it! I'll kill you!"

**And what they lack in wit, they make up for in meaningless wrath. Calm down, oh Great Enemy. Allow me to clarify. We Angels have a purpose. Which is to liberate our glorious Father who was so mistakenly cast upon this purgatory of meaningless aberrations you so-called children of Lilith. And you vindicate our attempts to retrieve him. By acting as our enemy, you make our inevitable victory all that much worthwhile. The pain only contrasts to make our unification shine brighter. A flower is the most beautiful when in the midst of death. **

_What do you mean by unification?_ Shinji breathed heavily. Memories were unwillingly flung to the surface of his mind. Each one was another sharp pinprick into his heart.

**You'll find out soon enough, but let us focus on another topic. I'm ashamed to say it, but I have become enamored with humanity. I have stayed above and observed your race for a considerable length of time and learned a great deal. However, I understand very little of it. For instance I don't understand why you cling to a traumatic and disgusting past. Second Impact as you call it is merely testament to humanity's vanity and yet you teach it to every school child with absolute impunity when forgetting all your losses would be much more satisfactory. It only brings pain. There is no sense in holding onto your pain, assuming of course you lilim are not masochistic. **

…_We don't cling to the past. We try to forget…_Shinji vehemently denied in his agony.

**Are you referring to your father? **

Shinji was taken aback. How did this thing know that?

**I'm inside you. It won't be long until you are a part of me. Your father is much like mine, I suppose. I also know nothing of His plans. You and I are brothers in a sense. We are both lonely and only given purpose. Never finding on our own.**

_We are nothing alike!_

Shinji looked despondent as he craned his neck to see out the car window. Mother was gone and now Father was so quiet and sad looking.

"Father, where are we going?"

It was only when they did arrive that he replied. "Your uncle and aunt's. You're going to stay there for a while."

"Wh-what? Why?" Shinji looked stricken.

Father gritted his teeth and avoided eye contact. "I – the world- your mother wanted-but"

Shinji's face was upturned and silently begging for an answer. The thing was that Gendo had none.

Words failed him. It was when they arrived at the porch and rang the doorbell that he spoke again. "I have no use for you."

Shinji started sobbing and begged for Father to come back, but only saw his back. In his pain, Shinji didn't notice a glint of water reflecting off the side of Father's cheek.

**Aren't we? My only purpose is to serve my father Adam and yours as you have defined is EVA, which is merely an extension of your father…and your mother. **

_That's…not true. _

In the dark room, Mother looked grim as her face was illuminated by the pale light of the computer screen. Shinji looked lonely as she ignored him to focus on her work. Turning to play by himself, he felt a weight on his shoulder. It was Father.

'Your mother has a lot of work to do, son. Humanity is depending on her. How about I play with you?'

Shinji felt elated at first, but one part of his Father's speech caught his attention. Humanity? What about him?

"NO! I want mom! I don't want her to go to anybody else!"

Father looked shocked and angry at first. However, it gave way to another emotion. He kept holding Shinji's shoulder and a sad, sympathetic smile crossed his face.

"So do I, son. So do I."

**You deny that your father is leader of the 'Evangelions' and that your mother created them for the sole purpose of combating us Angels? No, even humans are not that self delusional. So why are you denying your purpose? **

_I-I_ Shinji rubbed his sleepy eyes. The engine just needed to have its oil change and he would be off work. Soon training would start after though. It was only a few days ago when he started learning how to fight against opponents with weapons. Kawahara used a sheathed knife, while Shinji used nothing but his hands. Despite the blade being covered, it still hurt as though he were really cutting him.

"You ever think about the future?" The worker on the next car was talking to his fellow employee on the car.

"Not really. What's up?"

"I…was thinking about proposing." The man coughed and focused intensely on his screwdriver.

"That's great, man! When are you doing it? We need to plan the bachelor party!"

"Calm down! I haven't done it yet and…I'm not sure I ever will."

Despite Shinji's aversion to gossip, he was intrigued and leaned ever so slightly to hear.

"What? Why not?"

"I just feel…obligated to do it."

"That's a reason against proposing? I'm sorry man, but that is bullshit."

"No it's not! If it's something forced, then what meaning does it have?"

"Fuck meaning! You love her right?"

"Yeah, but-"

"And she feels the same right?"

"I think so, but what I'm saying is-" He was cut off again.

"What's the big problem then?"

"The _problem_ is that I don't want to enter a commitment because I was forced to!"

Shinji silently concurred with the sentiment.

"Forced by what? The only one who has any say in what you do is you." A new voice. It was Kawahara's. "Don't feel pressured into asking the girl. If you don't want to, don't."

"Preach it brother!"

Kawahara glared warningly.

"I'll shut up now."

"Yeah, but if I do, I'll always know. And a small part of me will always twinge at it and maybe grow bitter. I don't want her or any kids of mine to suffer."

Kawahara gave an exasperated sigh. "And if you don't, you'll likely regret it for the rest of your life. That's your choice right?"

The man nodded.

"No it's not. Because the choice doesn't exist for you. You're a good enough man to know that it would be wrong of you to just break up with her because of this. You're going to marry her. But not because you were obligated to. No outside pressure can force you to spend the rest of your life with only one person. No. That's absolute bullshit. You just want to set it up so that whatever troubles happen in the proposal, you can blame it on society or fate or whatever shit other than yourself. Can't do that. Have to be a grown up and take whatever responsibility there is. Because then…you get the right to pursue what you want in return."

The man worked silently, churning over what Kawahara was saying. Kawahara, for his part, went back to looking over the finances for the month.

"Okay. I'll propose."

A rare grin broke out on Kawahara's lined face. "Don't tell me. Tell the poor girl who's going to marry you!"

**Are you going to answer me or are you going to continue wallowing in your memories?**

_Shut up!_ Shinji forced the Angel as far as he could from his thoughts. It was still there, but he could only faintly hear it like a badly tuned radio. The mental effort caused Shinji to shake uncontrollably and sweat poured from every pore of his body. _I hate this. I never wanted to look back…but…I have to take responsibility. This Angel is now my responsibility and I have to stop it. __**I**__ decided to become NERV's weapon. __**I**__ chose to fight. I'll suffer and I'll scream. But at least this Angel will die and scream with me…If I live, then I get to choose what I want then. I earn the right to get what I want. The thing is…what do I want?_

"Shinji…what do you want?" Asuka asked moodily.

"Huh?" Shinji blinked as his eyes readjusted to focus on Asuka. The book in his hands was a manual for motorcycle repair.

"Out of life, I mean. We're not going to be pilots forever. Someday the Angels will be all beat…or we'll all be dead, but that won't happen as long as you've got the best EVA pilot there ever was next to you!"

Shinji didn't know how to reply. "I never gave it much thought. I'm only fourteen."

"That's no excuse."

"I…don't look at the future because…every time we go out there, we might not have a future then. And I don't want to be disappointed anymore. There's no point in having expectations if they're never going to be met."

"Gee Shinji, you sure know how to cheer a girl up." Asuka rolled her eyes and poked Shinji's chest. "All right, suppose we do survive, which we _will_, what then? What do you think you'll do?"

Shinji shrugged and considered the question. "I guess…I don't want anything. My aunt and uncle were Buddhists, so I was never really taught to want anything. I never had a reason to. Desire leads to pain in a never ending cycle until we stop wanting."

"That's crap. What we want and don't want are the things that define us. They make us human. Without them, what are we then?"

"Better people," Shinji answered shortly.

"What is wrong with you, dummkopf! You honestly don't want anything in your life? You can't just reject the world like that!"

"I'm not rejecting the world!"

"Then why don't you want anything? Aren't you a person?"

Shinji stayed silent. He didn't have an answer to the question. Often he felt like he wasn't a person. A person would be able to want something. A person would cry at a funeral. At this point he wasn't even sure if he deserved to cry.

"Shinji! Are you listening to me?"

"Huh?"

"You went catatonic there for awhile. You all right?"

"Yeah," Shinji replied halfheartedly, faking a smile.

Asuka wasn't convinced, but decided not to voice her disbelief.

"Do you know what you want?" Shinji asked.

"That's easy. I want to be world famous."

"You already are," Shinji pointed out.

"As a pilot. I've realized something…EVA is all that I've defined myself by. And…that's not enough anymore. I got to thinking about after it all. I mean the EVAs are too powerful to be left to any single nation and producing them in mass quantity is financially infeasible. In all likelihood, the EVAs we pilot right now are going to be mothballed and dismantled. I want a life after that. And it really wouldn't do for someone as talented and beautiful as me to fade into obscurity. So I want to start out in some TV shows. A couple guest spots on popular dramas or hosting a televised event. And then I'll get a contract to have my own show, probably as some talk show host or something. From there I'll enter movies and modeling."

Somehow Shinji wasn't in the least bit surprised at her aspirations. Asuka was never the type of person who was comfortable to just lounge. She always had to be doing something. He said with utter honesty, "I'm sure you could do it."

"Of course I could do it!" Asuka grumbled irritably, but she avoided eye contact in a very coy manner. However, Shinji didn't take much notice. "But it annoys the hell out of me that you haven't considered the future. I guess it just goes to show that you're typical Shinji as ever. No personality or will behind anything."

_Do I have no will? Is this the reason why I can't force the Angel out? _

**Dear boy, I grow impatient. Answer me now. How are we different from one another? Self delusions aside, I doubt we differ at all in our very cores. **

Shinji refused to listen. He had to find will. The alternative of staying in this purgatory of tormenting memories was unacceptable.

"What I want," Shinji breathed, pushing all other interferences in his mind.

Mother smiled.

"What I want" He repeated longingly.

Father ruffled his hair affectionately.

A tear crawled down Shinji's cheek in the LCL. "What I want"

In Central Dogma, the display above the technician's heads revealed a synch score of 45.9 percent for Pilot Shinji Ikari.

A silhouette left as a young, grief stricken Shinji looked up, tears running down his cheeks.

More tears. Shinji's lower lip quivered. A weak repetition. "What I want."

39.56 percent. Maya gasped in shock as her fellow bridge mates were watching in dumbfounded silence. The synch score was plummeting. It couldn't possibly happen without their controls unless the pilot was losing connection and the only way that would happen is if he was losing consciousness.

Rei looked up in quiet serenity and offered a soft smile at his behest. The acrid scent from melted polymer on his plug suit filled his nostrils, but he didn't mind at that moment. Rei was smiling. A rare event that was worth any amount of pain or nausea.

"What I want…" Shinji sounded wistful.

28.4 percent. Ritsuko stared in disbelief at what was happening. Were they going to lose their most valuable weapon at hand?

Misato grinned and leaned forward, expecting that he'd blush and resist looking down her cleavage. However, he only saw her scar.

"What I want" A snarl slowly formed at Shinji's lips.

16.18 percent. Misato wrung her hands nervously. Her charge couldn't die here at the hands of a monster like the one floating above them.

Asuka pouted cutely and pointed her finger at him, demanding that he apologize. Shinji stuttered as he did so, only to realize that she was joking.

"What I want is" His eyes narrowed in righteous fury.

3.31 percent. Gendo's hands trembled in repressed tension. His scenario could not fail here. Shinji was much too important.

Kawahara gave a slight nod of approval at Shinji's work.

"What I _want_ is for you to FUCKING DIE!"

The display in Central Dogma at last read:

0 synch ratio/Pilot Shinji Ikari

Shinji roared in inconsolable rage. Unit-01 had no choice but to do the same. It was only a puppet now. The Angel roared as well, but in a higher and more pained pitch. It was bleeding. It was bleeding! Impossible!

"Maya! What is going on!" Ritsuko demanded. Shinji's synch ratio was zero! How could he move the EVA! Much as the crew hated it, they all fully expected the boy to lose control of Unit 01 and fall at the hands of the Angel.

Shinji looked up and the puppet followed suit. A massive gaping hole formed in the center of the impossible creature and it was getting larger.

"We are _nothing_ alike!" Shinji whispered fiercely, his voice hoarse from his screaming.

The Angel only spared one last barb. **You're right. I could never possess such glorious cruelty as it exists in you…I only wish I could see how it will be used. Kehehe.**

He clenched his teeth so hard that a molar was near cracking. The Angel screamed one last time as it was obliterated into nonexistence, but to Shinji, that scream sounded like hysterical laughter.

"What the hell just happened, sir?"

Gendo Ikari only stared impassively at the screen. A 0 synch score and the EVA could still move? What did this mean? An Evangelion could only move with a pilot matching in tandem with the soul occupying it. So if Shinji could pilot without needing to synch, was a soul even necessary? And if that was true, then was Yui's sacrifice in vain? She knew perfectly well that she would never be able to come back out. However, if she didn't even need to leave and break Gendo's life and what was left of his tenuous grip on humanity without even telling him, then what was it all for? In a rare display of emotion, Gendo choked back a whimper and disguised it with a cough. If any of it was true, then he became a monster for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

* * *

Shinji finally got out of the shower. The LCL still felt disgusting around him. It was until he reached for his towel to dry off that he noticed that he was still shaking. Gritting his teeth, Shinji focused on his left hand and only his left hand. His fingers stopped trembling. Every other part of him was still jittering, but his hand was still as a stone.

He was too preoccupied to notice Rei as he walked out of the locker room. She tried to walk up to him and try to strike a conversation, but the boy's pace was larger than hers and she lost him around the corner. For a moment, she considered running and catching up to him, but it didn't seem viable. He was too far ahead of her in more ways than one. Why was he so ahead? More importantly, how could she catch up? It shouldn't have bothered her, but it did. Rei was plagued with feelings of guilt and remorse ever since that day. Every time she closed her eyes, the sounds of Shinji weeping and the harried attempts at revival. No matter how much Rei tried to ignore it, the shame kept flooding her. Murdering that girl was just a step in completing the scenario right? Everything she did was justified in the end because…it was for the commander, right?

_Maybe. Maybe not. What the Third does in free time is irrelevant to the scenario as long as he continues to pilot. Which he has not faltered to do as of late. _The little voice preached at her.

_That is not true. _Rei vehemently denied. An edge of desperation entered her reply.

_Then explain to me then why it would make you so emotional if it was something that did not go against what few scruples that you do have?_

_I-I-I _

_Exactly. We killed that girl because of something else entirely. And it is consuming you inside. However…if you discovered precisely what that something else is, it may sustain you through your guilt._

…_What is my true reason then?_ Rei finally admitted to herself that in hindsight, the girl did not need to die. The scenario had nothing to do with her act.

_How would I know? I am you…but you are not me. What I can tell you is that there is hope in our frazzled mind. By having that something else, we are no longer expendable. _

_Why?_ Rei was puzzled. She was always expendable in the grand scheme of things. Another copy of her always existed for her soul to be transferred.

_We once defined your purpose by the Commander's scenario, but now there is purpose we have defined on our own. We seek to exist beyond Third Impact now which is exemplified by our attempts to tie Shinji to ourselves. We seek a connection to him because we are lonely. Mere existence is beyond the scenario now. Without realizing it, we have claimed authority over our soul. Therefore we have deemed our purpose to supersede the authority of the Commander's scenario as the Commander once held our soul for his sole purpose. Now our purpose instills a sense of a value and self worth especially to the end or object of the purpose. We have value to ourselves…and Shinji. We must protect our existence with impunity. This is the right of all sentient life to protect itself. I reiterate: we are no longer expendable._

Rei couldn't refute the point on self preservation. It made sense. _I…have worth._

_

* * *

_

Ritsuko's fingers frantically danced on the keyboard. What was going on? The synch score was not possible! There was no way that an absolute 0 synch score could exist. Usually, there was at least even one billionth of a percent for synch, but there was nothing and with their top pilot to boot. Yui Ikari's soul had to synch with her precious son's soul. It was inconceivable unless…

A smirk slowly crept onto Ritsuko's face as the revelation seeped in. She lit a cigarette and leaned back in her office chair; the nicotine tasting sweeter than ever. Gendo was getting closer and closer to her hands. For once, she was the one in a place of power and it was wonderful.

Gendo paced alone in his office. His breathing was heavy and ragged. With a roar, Gendo swept the papers off his desk and started rifling through his drawers. There had to be some clue in the scrolls or in any of the data files to tell him that all his work was for something. For there to be actual meaning and reason to it all and not the vast abyss of nothing that he saw at his feet. A book caught his eye. Poetry. Yui gave it to him on his birthday. She always said he needed more art and culture in his life. He never touched it. How did it make its way to his desk? Gendo curiously flicked to a page. It was a Rilke poem. Almost unwillingly, Gendo read it.

I am blind, you outsiders. It is a curse,  
a contradiction, a tiresome farce,  
and every day I despair.  
I put my hand on the arm of my wife  
(colorless hand on colorless sleeve)  
and she walks me through empty air.

You push and shove and think that you've been  
sounding different from stone against stone,  
but you are mistaken: I alone  
live and suffer and howl.  
In me there is an endless outcry  
and I can't tell what's crying, whether its my  
broken heart or my bowels.

Are the tunes familiar? You don't sing them like this:  
how could you understand?  
Each morning the sunlight comes into your house,  
and you welcome it as a friend.  
And you know what it's like to see face-to-face;  
and that tempts you to be kind.

A shiver jangled down his spine. The scream was quiet now.

At the ending line, a shiver traveled down Gendo's own spine much like the man in the poem. A sense of foreboding and terror permeated his soul. Everything felt out of phase for him. However, despite his feelings, the seeds of a revelation were planted deep in his mind. Gendo deeply related to the blindman's plight, but also feared the message imbedded in it. Forgetting his original intent, Gendo reached for a bottle of bourbon in another drawer. He took shot after shot until the bottle was at least only half full. He sagged on his desk, hands in hair.

"Yui…why did you leave me? Why did you let me become this? I'm so full of sin and evil. It's killing me. Godhood is in my grasp and I hate it. The things I've done to get here…and now…I find that it could all have been unnecessary. That what I've become never, never-"

At this point, Gendo wept openly until he passed out on his desk in that desolate, cold office. The very place that represented all his darkness of soul and sin now bore witness to the monster's tears and seemed emptier for it.

* * *

"Oh you're so muscular! Do you work out?" The working girl batted her eyelashes and pressed her ample cleavage against the man's standard issue Section 2 suit. The technobeat was deafening, but the sexual undertones were not lost on him.

"Well, you know. Gotta be fit to help save the world," said the agent, his cheeks blushing both from the liquor and the intimate contact. The club was full of disorienting, flashing lights and pounding music. Completing the scene of iniquity and earthly desires was the roving gangs of scantily clad women servicing intoxicated salarymen.

"My! I can tell. So you really save the world?"

"Nah. That would be the brats piloting those machines there."

The girl pouted in disappointment.

"But! I protect those kids, so in a way I am saving the world by saving them." The man tried to coax her interest again.

"Ooh!"

"Yeah. In fact, I'm the chief of the whole Geofront's security! Me! Jiro Hasegawa!" The man chuckled drunkenly before hiccupping.

"Hm. So you're the big man?"

"Heh. Yeah."

"That. Is. So. HOT!" She punctuated each word with a poke in the chest, ending the last word with her hand under his jacket. "Wait here, I'll bring someone special back with me because I'm not sure I can handle this alone."

"Oh! I like this…" Jiro slurred and leaned back against the booth in anticipation.

"Be back in a minute. And when me and my friend get back, we'll see exactly how big of a man you are…" The woman giggled and swayed her hips as she walked away.

As she turned her back, her lustful smile slid off just as easily as it was put on. No need to act aroused when the customer wasn't around. Waiting for her in the back of the club was a man. An old man to be precise. She didn't know who he was and didn't want to know. His face was hidden by a baseball cap and any other physical features were obscured by an oversized hoodie.

"Do you have the ID?" rasped the man.

"You got my money?"

"On the table."

After counting the bills in the envelope, she handed the ID.

"How's that going to do you any good?" She asked despite her reservations about the dangerous nature of the information. However, she was no stranger to theft and was curious about the disparity of how professional the man seemed and the amateur level of thought behind the heist. "It'll be reported missin' and be useless then."

The man just grunted and pulled out an old, battered, wallet sized device. The ID was illuminated with green light as it was scanned. With a flick of his wrist, he then tossed the ID back at her. "Return it."

"Hey bud. Deal was for a quick snatch. Nobody said nothing about returns." The woman raised her hands defensively as the ID bounced off her perfectly toned abdomen.

Without notice, the man was only inches from her face. She could only see darkness under the cap, but the voice that rumbled from it was terrifying. "You'll do it or else."

The woman swallowed and tried to put on the same confidence as she did on the club floor. "Or else what, pops?"

"Or else I tip off the police about how you covered up the fact that you killed your own little brother to save your own starving hide!"

She gasped and covered her mouth. How did he know that? It was years ago!

"He was so young wasn't he? Six, I believe. Your parents both died during the Relocation and you were only 15. But that hardly spared you and your little brother from the food riots and starvation. Not enough money or food to go around. Better to save your poor, little otouto from a slow, painful death right? And you were about to follow him to that end too before you lost courage. Easier to take someone else's life than your own, right?"

The woman squeaked in shame and shock. Real tears made its way to the corners of her eyes. "How, how"

"Never get in bed with someone until you know the other side can pay up. You working girls all know that rule. Be seeing you." The man slid back in the wall and seemingly melted into the shadows.

The woman shivered and held herself before regaining composure to go out on the floor again. She prayed that the man didn't mean it when he said to see her again.

As soon as Kawahara was outside the building, he started running to his office while the information off the ID was viable. It was the beginning of what he hoped to be his plan to save the world.

_I won't let it happen again. I'll stop it…by any means necessary…I'm sorry, Shinji. Your training as my weapon has just begun. Forgive me. Dear Lord, please forgive me someday. _

AN: I'm back and with a shitload more words than ever. Sorry for the major delay. I've been real busy with life. Don't worry. At no point will I ever contemplate giving up. Deadfic is something I hate with a passion. I know with this chapter I took a real turn, but it was what struck me at the moment of writing. Most of this was fairly on the fly, but there is an overarching plot that I've planned out. If you're wondering why I've taken the fifteenth angel so early to replace the tenth, I was doing it for the plot advancement. The 0 synch score will become important to Shinji's development and for how the story unfolds. As for Rei, she is growing and finding her morality. I think she's a character who really has no moral nature because she never really learned to apply her decisions beyond the approval of the people she viewed to have control over her expendable life. With the trippy dream stuff, it's really just a way for me to experiment with symbolism and to foreshadow. I'm trying to develop Gendo beyond the normal bastard status he's given. He's one of the most complex characters out there, so I want to take advantage of that and expand on the man he was before Yui's death and focus on creating the man he is now and what he will become. The Rilke poem is a very accurate representation of what I'm trying to portray here. Big stuff is in store for the future, especially if Kawahara gets his way. Also, Kawahara's intent is a bit bigger than NERV, so watch out. By the way, the plot for the drama that Asuka was talking about was actually a story idea I was floating for my rom-com. One of these days I might actually write it, but until then good night.


End file.
